Thursday, August 10, 2006

Pinks on SpeedTV


With the recent finale of The Deadliest Catch, and inbetween the increasingly rare new episodes of Lost, primetime TV pickings have been pretty sparse till now.

My new favorite show is Pinks on SpeedTV [Wednesday nights at 9 PM].

Noodle noggin that I am, Pinks is a show with a premise even I can grasp and understand: two guys show up at the track with their rides, and drag race for the best 3 of 5 races. The winner's then awarded the losing car's "pink slip" [the ownership title]

The loser walks away without his expensive custom-built race car.

It's all or nothing, in other words. No whining, no excuses, no begging for a second chance or a "do-over."

Kinda like eternity, if you stop and think about it.

Laughter is Surprisingly Good Department:
Sometimes I'm surprised how little emphasis is placed on comedy, as though 95% of movies and TV shows drill mindlessly into drama and provocative social themes. And what comedy there is is built on foul language, insults and sexual double entendres.

The past few days I've been re-watching Jeeves and Wooster, a comedy series set in pre-World War II England that ran on British TV between 1990-1993. I found Jeeves and Wooster by accident on PBS's Masterpiece Theater years ago, and one day hope to own the entire DVD 8-pack.
Summary from imdb.com
"Based on the well-loved novels of P.G. (Pelham Grenville) Wodehouse, this British series featuring Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, chronicles the misadventures (romantic and otherwise) of the impeccably dressed Bertie Wooster and his trusty and sagacious butler, Jeeves. Peppered with sporting dialogue and memorable, dim-witted and eccentric characters."

There's no swearing, no nudity ... not even so much as a sexual pun.

Call me tuppence short of a shilling, or a sandwich short of a picnic, but Jeeves and Wooster is still the only TV show that still makes me laugh out loud several times during each episode.

And Netflix even has all four seasons available for rental.

No Excuses

Except for the two or three years I spent inside Clemson's under-pool weight room, when I ballooned up to 240 lbs, I was always pretty certain my weight generally hovered around 210, same as when I was in college.

But then this morning, reality had a way of crashing down from under me ...

Well, now we have an explanation why some things might have appeared to have been done "half-iced."


































Wednesday, August 09, 2006

More on YouTube


Ok I'll admit it. Doing videos with Windows is like fighting underwater with an octopus that's packing a dagger in each tentacle.

But I finally converted and uploaded my first mini-dv project, a short film called "Grace."

Back in 1999 I finished The Hollywood Film Institute bursting with optimism, thinking I was hot on the heels of other HSI alumni like Spike Lee and Quentin Tarrantino.

So I wrote a script and shot the first version of Grace with a Hi-8 camcorder, got excited enough with the results to move up to Canon's XL-1, and re-shot the entire piece.

The only footnotes worth adding are that the lawn-mowing scene was actually shot at high noon, the make-up scene near the end took 38 takes (seriously) before it looked "right," and even though the bedroom in the final scene looks dark, it was brighter than daylight while we were shooting because I used something like 5000 watts of tungsten lights.

(And I never used the on-camera mic again.)

YouTube limits video length to 10 minutes, so I split "Grace" into two parts ...

Grace - Part 1
Grace- Part 2

Wednesdays is for Windows Vulnerability Issues

Here's this week's Windows Vulnerability Issues:

Critical
  • MS06-040 - Vulnerability in Server Service Could Allow Remote Code Execution
  • MS06-041 - Vulnerability in DNS Resolution Could Allow Remote Code Execution
  • MS06-042 - Cumulative Security Update for Internet Explorer
  • MS06-043 - Vulnerability in Microsoft Windows Could Allow Remote Code Execution
  • MS06-044 - Vulnerability in Microsoft Management Console Could Allow Remote Code Execution
  • MS06-046 - Vulnerability in HTML Help Could Allow Remote Code Execution
  • MS06-047 - Vulnerability in Microsoft Visual Basic for Applications Could Allow Remote Code Execution
  • MS06-048 - Vulnerabilities in Microsoft Office Could Allow Remote Code Execution
  • MS06-051 - Vulnerability in Windows Kernel Could Result in Remote Code Execution
Moderate
  • MS06-045 - Vulnerability in Windows Explorer Could Allow Remote Code Execution
  • MS06-049 - Vulnerability in Windows Kernel Could Result in Elevation of Privilege
  • MS06-050 - Vulnerabilities in Microsoft Windows Hyperlink Object Library Could Allow Remote Code Execution
Why The Blue Book Proudly Uses Windows Exclusively:
Windows Gives Me A Happy Face :-)

-People tend to think you're "artsy" if you use or have a co-dependent relationship with Mac (I think you know what I'm saying).
-If your PC doesn't work, you schedule an appointment with a repairman to resolve hardware issues. If your Mac doesn't work, you schedule an appointment with your therapist to resolve childhood issues.
-It's more fun showing people your actual work than it is showing them the coolest fonts ever on the cover of this month's Macworld.
-While 50% of all my Mac-owning friends call me with their technical issues ... they still tend to explore their inner-child issues here and in Mac-focus groups.


Laughter Is Good (ok, ya'll start laughing now).
The Blue Book is humbly greatful and saturated with benevolent devotion to all its readers, regardless of platform, and acknowledges that almost 30% of af ya'll are using a Mac.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

When A Name's Not Just A Name

Remember when you got in trouble as kid ... and your parents gave you the first clue by hollering out all three of your names ... like, "So-and-so so-and-so so-and-so! Where are you?"

Yeah well, when I saw my name included in today's post at the AVCLUB I got the same feeling, even though my middle name was left out. It's right out there in BOLD YELLOW CAPS and gives me that same cringing feeling ... like maybe I owe Ken money, and forgot.

Doesn't help that if you click on my name you get linked to the Junebug web site.

Guess that's better than being linked to a doodlebug, but still ... feels like I oughtta lay low until MY NAME'S disappeared into next month's archive.

Distracted Nation?

I lost interest in writing anything to go with this post.

Besides, a picture really is worth a thousand words. Sometimes a hundred thousand. Many times even more.

The Jesus Shrimp



The Jesus Rock

The Jesus Fishbone


Jesus Dental X-ray

Jesus Image on Bathtub



More "Jesus sightings" here.

"Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us." 1 John 3:24 [NIV]





Monday, August 07, 2006

Whadda Weekend

Slide Into Monday Playlist:
(The Playlist is what's ripping the fabric off the speaker grilles while I'm at the BB keyboard.)

Roger Hurricane Wilson (Can't Find My Way Home, Slide Sequence 3) Son House (Death Letter Blues) Johnny Cash & June Carter (If I Was A Carpenter, Ring of Fire)


Awesome weekend, eh?

Starting off on Saturday morning when I solved my NMEA VHS/GPS interface problem (and also finally identified what's been causing Ben's plumbing leak) through last night's 6PM, the past three days were incredible.

[I didn't forget to include Jenson Button's win for Honda in Sunday morning's Hungarian Grand Prix but there was too much FIA pre-race drama and rain-soaked tension to recap here, except to mention this: , a violation or Article 4.1

The disqualification moves Felipe Massa up to seventh place, with Michael Schumacher eighth despite not finishing the race. That means Ferarri's Schumacher is now just ten points behind Fernando Alonso in the drivers’ championship standings, while Ferrari is only seven points behind Renault for the constructors’ crown.]

What About Last Night?

I grew up like most Southern Baptists, thinking spiritual gifts only meant singing or playing the organ (preaching wasn't a gift, it seemed more like a punishment. As a kid I figured preachers must've done something really awful that got God's attention and had to spend the rest of their lives atoning, by warning others about the consequences of being bad).

I never considered that spiritual gifts could also include wisdom, patience or leadership. Since I lack any trace of any of those gifts, last night I realized how much patience is overlooked.

In the past two years I've gotten better, sorta, about screaming at minivan pilots and throwing stuff at drive-thru windows. But I'm still struggling when it comes to having patience with folks who can't see that even though I'm not always right, I'm hardly ever wrong (and when I am, falling to the floor with a tongue-biting, wall-kicking conniption fit usually gives me an out).

Last night I learned that nobody always likes the way things are done all the time, and if we're focusing 100% of our energy into putting Jesus Christ first ... not just for an hour of worship on Sunday mornings but in every waking moment ... then we might find there's not enough time left at the end of the day to squabble and bicker over insignificant, trivial details like boycotts, stained glass windows or whether to allow raising more than one arm at a time during hymns.

Every second we spend debating whether Adam had a navel is a second lost to witnessing ... because witnessing means more than standing on street corners holding up hand-painted BOYCOTT SIN! signs or sliding You're Headed for Hell, Mister tracks under peoples' doors.

Witnessing reveals Christ more completely in the little things we do when we're not even aware of it, like being patient, kind and forgiving, than He's revealed through publicity-oriented stunts like movie boycotts or CD-burning bonfires ... or through a set of draconian "covenants" intended to self-righteously prove how "holy" or "religious" we feel about ourselves ... especially when we're around people we disagree with.

Shouldn't people be seeing Christ living inside us the most in the little things we do ... like how we treat and act toward each other [clues here include Matthew 22:39, & Matthew 25:41-46], by being patient (not sweating the small stuff) , humble [1 Pete 1:18], and in realizing that if we have eternal life through Grace then everything else is all small stuff)?

Last night I saw the importance of being patient with other Christians who might not necessarily agree with me on every single negotiable theological question (like, How often should you have your mouth washed out with soap for saying "gosh" and "golly"?).

It's just not that important or worth arguing and fussing about, so long as we agree on the non-negotiables. We're on the same team, after all.

Ultimately we've only got one commission ... and if you're still whining about trying to find the one pure and faultless religion, the best place to start looking is here.

Now if we could just form a feasibility committee and vote on a way to stop all that clapping during the service, and make the pastor tuck in his shirt tail, and start having Sunday School, and have a Suggestions Box for picking songs like we did at my old church ....

Sunday, August 06, 2006

You Know You Want One ...


The Skywalker Jet Pack.

According to specifications, it's capable of lifting a 200 pound man and has a range of 4 miles. Retail price suggested at around $200,000 US

From engadget.com:
"No matter how played flying cars, kayaks, and other strange contraptions are, the allure of a jet pack strapped onto your back just doesn't seem to lose its luster. Rick Herron, creator of Skywalker Jets, has devised a rocket pack that weighs about 90 pounds and can propel a 200 pound pilot around the air for what is likely the most invigorating 5 minutes of their life.

"The crazy part is this thing actually works, and it doesn't get your backside all crispy in the process. Rick plans on producing a finalized model that has a range of about 4 miles and includes a GPS unit integrated into a
HUD showing flight time and engine information among other things.

"A prototype build solicited a bid over 10 grand from a hopeful buyer (or helpless
Star Wars fan), and this project hopefully won't end here -- Rick plans to get the device approved by the FAA and available to anxious customers as soon as possible, and the good news is that becoming a rocketeer will only cost you a cool $200,000 if it goes into production."

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Will Schumacher Become Tomorrow's F1 Goulash?


The Blue Book needs your help.
Yesterday, same as Friday, I spent most of the afternoon working on my boat ("Ben") trying to get the VHF radio/GPS chartplotter to talk nice to each other. The radio has a nifty set of DSC features, which allow it to transmit and receive position data from the Magellan FX324 GPS unit and then display position data "polled" from nearby DSC-capable boats on its LCD screen ... including emergency/distress signals.

Sorta like a poor man's radar for collision avoidance.

The problem is my old radio got fried, and I took advantage of the warranty to upgrade to Uniden's 525 but now can't sort which NMEA 183 data in/data out/reference wires to connect. Every time I got frustrated I switched the radio over to Fog Horn mode, dialed up the volume and let nearby pedestrians know I was anchored in the driveway.

Didn't have much luck finding model-specific wiring diagrams on the web. If you've got any ideas, please let me know; I'd appreciate it severely.

Enough Whining About Wiring Already: What About Schumacher?
Well, if you saw yesterday's practice sesession live from The Hungaroring Race Course in Budapest, you already know Ferrari's Michael Schumacher wasn't setting his usual blistering pace.

This could get interesting ... since the tight n' twisty race course has practically zero opportunities for overtaking.

Qualifying starts at 8:00am EDST on SpeedTv.

World Champion Alonso Penalized
-from Formula1RaceNews.com



Alonso gesticulated at Doornbos, whom he felt had held him up, and then appeared to deliberately weave and slow his Renault in front of the Dutchman’s car during the afternoon’s session.

Stewards Tony Scott Andrews, Antonio Vasconcelos Tavares and Lajos Herczeg decided that Alonso’s actions were “unnecessary, unacceptable and dangerous”, and awarded him a one second time penalty to be applied to his fastest lap time in each of the qualifying sessions, Q1, Q2 and Q3.

Additionally, Alonso received a similar penalty for overtaking another car after the session had finished, under waved yellow flags.

He will thus get an aggregated cumulative penalty of two seconds in Q1, Q2 and Q3, effectively damning his chances on a circuit on which overtaking is virtually impossible.

Please Papa ... How Is Any Of This Stuff Related?
Even though vampires are thought to have originated in Rumania, it's Bela Lugosi's Hungarian accent that's stereotypically identified as vampires' distinctive lilt. And clearly, it's old wives' tales that vampires can't cross water and only come out at night.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Are You Hacked?

-From WashingtonPost.com

At Least 12 Patches from Microsoft Next Week

Microsoft said today that it plans to issue at least 12 security updates to fix vulnerabilities in its Windows and Office products.

Redmond says 10 of the updates will address flaws -- some of them "critical" -- in Windows. No doubt one of the two Office updates will address the PowerPoint flaw that online criminals have been exploiting for the past month to steal information from companies.

Microsoft often fixes multiple, distinct security flaws with a single patch, so I would not be surprised if the updates released on "Patch Tuesday" next week mend more than two dozen flaws. As usual, Security Fix will have more information on the updates shortly after they are released.

By Brian Krebs | August 3, 2006; 6:08 PM ET | Category: New Patches
Previous: Javascript Attacks on Steroids | Next: Google to Warn of 'Badware' Sites

The Blue Book says: I don't care, and I'm not scared. The Blue Book crushes viruses, malware, worms, key loggers, trojans, and other stuff you aren't aware of and aren't supposed to know about.

Just remember this: There's a reason Macs aren't affected by viruses. They have immunity because they're the mother host-source of all viruses. In fact, you'll probably get sick if you own one. It's true. Macs are bad.

Bring back DOS. Now.

Figures


A few minutes ago I got an e-mail saying the girl on the left is actually Yvette Dita.










And Yvette didn't marry me; she married this guy. Or she's his step-daughter, can't remember.













This is the look on my face while I'm waiting for things to straighten themselves out. Maybe it's time to head back out to sea.

L' Atalante Life


Ah, the only photo from my honeymoon back in '34. I was a captain back then, piloting a cargo barge on the muddy waters of the Seine. Dita Yvette (or was it Yvette Dita?) and I eloped one dizzy summer night when I was in port delivering mason jars for the Iva Firefly Festival. She never learned to speak English, and I never learned any French. Communication was therefore quite difficult, and by the end of the week we lost touch and went our separate ways.
Au revoir, rêves doux de luciole. Mai toutes vos fioles brillent brillamment. (N'est-il pas étonnant comment le Français fait à non-sens romatic sain?)

-L' Atalante (1934) directed by Jean Vigo

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Thursday Morning Follow-up

Over the past two years I've had more than a handful of people ask me, "You've been going to church, no kidding? You? You're probably the last person I woulda thought ..."

Then they wanna know the reason why. They wanna know what's different.

It's not about New Spring, even though I love the worship service, think the band rocks hard! and consider the staff and volunteers I've met more like family than friends (we get to spend eternity together in the same neighborhood, after all).

It's not about the big guy doing the preaching, either (though he's got a God-given knack for finding all the stress cracks in your spiritual foundation, and teaching how only Holy Spirit-brand concrete can handle the repairs and give your soul's house an everlasting rennovation).

What made the difference for me was understanding this: either Christ's death and resurrection was absolutely, literally 100% true ... or Christianity is nothing more than another bogus, alternative man-made religion. Faith in Jesus Christ can't work any other way.

Christianity falls apart without Christ's literal death and resurrection ... and that means the resurrection cannot be accepted as a metaphor, a fairy tale or muddled wishful-thinking. Folks, it either literally happened exactly as the Gospels describe or we might as well start worshipping cows or space aliens or an old pair of socks ... because it won't make any difference.

If God could literally bring a man back to life then Christ's resurrection stands alone, not even the moon landing comes in a close second, as the most important and critical event in all of human history ... and for crying out loud isn't it time we "got the point" and started living as though the resurrection was as real and proved God's word is true as if we'd witnessed it first hand?

Don't bother arguing that the Gospels were written several decades later, or that the Gospels was painstakingly manufactured by candlelight around 200 AD in the Vatican basement by a bunch of cardinals who'd been ordered to fabricate or re-write the Gospels to consolidate the church's power and oppress people the Pope didn't like.

I've already tried those leftovers, and can promise you they all stink the same.

You'll find out "The Vatican Did It" theory won't wash as soon as you start reading Matthew and discover that Christ's message of forgiveness through God's love amounts to a revolution so unlike any man-made religion, and so clearly describes God's purpose all the way through Revelation, that no group of men could've created a radical, consistent, and life-changing fairy tale anything like it.

What gets to me personally is that if the disciples were lying, if they'd had a reason to steal Christ's body and make up a resurrection lie, maybe to keep the denari rolling in as they traveled around living like peasants, preaching forgiveness through God's grace (or maybe to save face after being deceived by Jesus and the lies he told about being God's Son for the past three years), then when the terrible persecutions started all they had to do to avoid torture and a horrible death was deny the whole thing, show the Romans where Christ's body was hidden, and start telling the truth.

But they were already telling the truth of what they'd seen, and were martyred without recanting. Not even one time.

If you still have doubts about the Gospels being a fabricated fiction, remember that the New Testament would've had to have been made-up and written down not by a single person but by a committee ... and committees struggle when it comes to deciding where's the best place to hang a new traffic light, or what color to paint the church's bathroom walls.

People don't like hearing Jesus Christ is the only way, and somehow feel more comfortable believing that "all religions are the same" or "all paths ultimately lead to salvation." But that argument overlooks folks like me, who get lost at Wal-Mart or forget the church office's phone number, or have to keep checking a web page to find out what time the 11:30 service starts.

The "emergent church" can argue from now till the Rapture that "each person is free to find their own way" but if that's true then there's gonna be lots of people like me spending eternity wandering around the mall parking lot trying to remember where they parked their car.

Believing that God literally raised Jesus from the dead seems like a tall order for lots of people who're too busy to spend much time thinking about eternity, especially the ones who got a dose of Theology 101 back in college. Maybe because they're uncomfortable with the dramatic changes that would re-prioritize their lives, or because they'd have to toss the latest version of politically-correct theology out the window.

No one enjoys finding out they've been living according to a bad decision based on erroneous assumptions ... and had somehow been ignoring what was obvious all along. All religions are not the same. All paths do not lead to salvation and we are not free to determine the quickest or easist way to get there.

Folks, living in the 21st century does not entitle us to ignore the truth and re-write the rules.

Either Christ's resurrection was real or it wasn't. And if it wasn't real then we can forget about all the assortment of religions bragging that theirs is the "one true way" and prance off into eternity on our own merry way without missing a step.

But if the resurrection is real then God's word is also true. And that means the joy of knowng Christ is also real.

The fact of Christ's death and literal resurrection proves that the gift of eternal life is available through Grace to all who ask Christ into their lives ... and also proves that every man-made religion, no matter what they might claim, leads to a dead end that has nothing to do with Heaven.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

First Wednesday

Confession time.

I didn't even get 4 hours of sleep last night. I woke up walking sideways with an aching back (from sleeping on an inflatable mattress in the most-air conditioned room). Didn't feel like going to First Wednesday all day, and even pulling onto the parking lot at 6:20pm I still felt like I was on auto-pilot and just following wherever my shoes were pointed.

Oh boy, I'm glad I went.

I'm as dense as a frozen bowling ball and have a hard time following lofty theological discussions. My attention span is measured in yawns and seat-squirms. I need to have the point spelled out clearly, in bold printed letters, or my concentration ends up wandering away and getting lost in another hemisphere.

This guy made Christianity come alive to me for the first time (and I grew up being dragged, sometimes literally, to church until I was old enough to quit going) about 3 years ago. That's not kissing ice or praising or cheerleading My Pastor's #1, because God hates boasting as much as He hates liars. It's the plain truth.

And when I saw this ...

Tonight I had the chance to see God turn Perry loose to communicate the message of The Cross to the people who needed to hear and receive it the most ... people who hadn't arrived at New Spring by accident or by chance but because they'd been led to face making a crossroads decision about eternity, and where they would spend it.

God used Perry tonight to lay down what happened at the cross in graphic detail, to explain what Jesus's death and resurrection meant, and then slammed hell's gate shut forever for the people who came forward and accepted Christ as their Saviour. Souls were saved because they heard the message being communicated in a way they could understand. It was incredible listening to Pastor P firing on 12 cylinders and watching him hit 220+ mph crossing the finish line.

The enemy got his butt kicked tonight, and had to go home knowing he finished dead last about forty times.

That's not bragging, that's rejoicing.

When Guard Dogs Go Bad

Did ya see on the news about the German shepherd employed as a "guard" by a London museum went nuts, and attacked a collection of Teddy bears?

Silly dog did over a million dollars US damage to the collection, including shredding a Teddy bear once owned by Elvis. Nobody's sure what precipitated the shocking episode. Maybe it was hearing "Blue Suede Shoes" played over the public address system one time too many.

Which just goes to show ya ... he ain't nothing but a hound dog, after all.

Bridgestone + The Wheel = 1 Awful Commercial

I don't care that Bridgestone brags about who the director's worked with.

"The Wheel" is one of the worst commercials I've ever seen. Goes round and round ... No, that's wrong.

It IS the worst commercial I've seen. Ever. If I had Bridgestones on my car I'd take them off the rims this afternoon and feed the 5-tire set into a wood chipper.

And I'm not even gonna point out that world-dominating Ferrari uses Michelins in their F1 campaign.

How HOT is it?

I dunno what it's like at your house, but this morning I caught my floor fan trying to crawl inside the refrigerator.

Yesterday afternoon my wireless router got weird, and refused to accept incoming connections from my laptop. I'm upstairs now as I type this, but I won't be for much long because the desk thermometer says it's already 923 F. degrees ... and it's only 9:47am.

While I wait for the IT Department to show up (that means soon as I get over being aggravated) and chill down my router, here's Today's Traffic is Such A Hassle Playlist.

Up from the Skies - Jimi Hendrix (Axis: Bold As Love) .... awesome album btw!
Like A Rolling Stone - Jimi Hendrix (live at Monterey version)
Red House - Jimi Hendrix ("Are You Experienced" album)

High Speed Highway Bonus:
Try this next one if you find yourself running late today on the Interstate and can't resist the temptation of asking the gas pedal for time-management assistance.

The song has nothing to do with speeding, running late or feeling rushed ... it's just too heavy to enjoy if you're staring at a red light. As you nudge the speedometer past 65mph make sure your volume's up high enough that wind & road noise doesn't interfere with your listening enjoyment, and also to make sure the drivers you're passing can appreciate the lyrics.


Spanish Castle Magic - Jimi Hendrix (the live versions, free of studio effects and gimmicks, are especially interesting if you're into feedback & electric guitar virtuosity)

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Shameless Self-Promotion

Had a great visit with cousin Ryan during her visit. When not teaching English to high school kids in Prague, she's finishing up a Masters in Psychology, and looking at PhD programs. She's cool, and I'd go with dreds too if I could.

"The human face is the great subject of the cinema. Everything is there." Ingmar Bergman, 18 June 2004

Back in 2002 I did a comedy parody of Ingmar Bergman's filmmaking style; kinda ironic since imho Bergman stands untouchably apart as the genius of the genre.

Sundance turned it down, but now you can see "Der Bass Treeifn: The Gift of Anna" at YouTube.com for free. Esch-tun-de.

The Blue Book highly recommends these Bergman classics:
Persona
Hour of the Wolf
The Virgin Spring
Through A Glass Darkly
Cries and Whispers

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Tarzan the Ape Man (1932)

It's on Turner Classic Movies right now. Tarzan's not only a wild man ... but he was also the original swinger.

Ah, Africa was simpler back then ... so much more like stock footage, indoor Hollywood sets, Silver Springs and matte paintings than the real thing is today.

Tarzan rocks. He even gets a Tchaikovsky score for the credits crawl.

Not even Elvis had hair as cool as Tarzan's, which makes me think chimpanzees must have some special scissor skills. Tarzan was the ultimate guy ... so what if he couldn't read or use a cell phone?

Tarzan calls elephants with a hillbilly yell, fights hippos, crocodiles, gorillas, man-eating plants, lions and cannibals with only a knife, plus he goes swimming with a prim total babe British aristocrat ... and is still severely environmentally-friendly by commuting to work on swinging vines.

Tarzan's knows how to moisturize his situation.

Cheetah can't touch this. Un-ga-wa, ya'll.

Kinda ironic nobody noticed The King of the Jungle was a white guy wearing a leather diaper.

Kickin'

How was your weekend? Mine was excellent.

Five quick reasons we're gonna kick back tonight, and do nothing but enjoy a one-song playlist til bedtime.

1) Jason had his game on for the 9:30.

2) Lunch with Orp [7/31 Update: I got some questions ...]

3) After watching Ferrari morph into German Grand Prix Dominator, did you stick around for the Porsche 250 Race?

Sure you did ... 'cause you wanted to see 17-year old driving sensation Colin Braun and co-driver Jorg Bergmeister win their second consecutive Rolex Sports Car Series win in the Porsche 250 at Barber Motorsports Park in Alabama.

4) Meg and Ken met Rainey Elizabeth for the very first time. Now Gardner's a big brother, for sure.

5) I learned how to play Bear-In-The-Cave (my cousin's coming tomorrow and she's got dreds, so don't let on. It's gonna be great on YouTube).

Loop The Playlist; repeat as necessary:

I'm Your Captain/Closer to Home - Grand Funk Railroad

Just A German Guess


If you're reading this "live" as it's being posted, chances are you've forgotten that the German Grand Prix is being telecast live from the Hockenheim race course on SpeedTV [speedtv.com] at 8 AM.

Sure, it's not the 1965 version of the Hockenheimring with its long 200mph+ straightaways that claimed the life of racing legend Jim Clark in 1968, much less the classic 14-mile long Nuerburgring with its notorious Nordschleife ("Northern Loop") winding around the Nürburg Castle; the course nicknamed "The Green Hell" by Jackie Stewart is still widely considered the toughest and most demanding race track in the world.



Nürburg Castle





Today's race is likely to be the last Formula 1 event held at the Hockenheimring, as Germany's been reduced to a single Grand Prix on the arduous 18-venue F1 schedule. But rumors are that race organizers are considering combining the two courses sometime in the near future.

Who's gonna win?

Well, it's a German race.
Michael Schumacher's from Germany.
And he's driving a Ferrari.

Your turn to take a wild guess.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

A Personal Note from The Blue Book

What would you rather do ... spend 5 minutes laughing, or 5 minutes getting screamed at for something you've done wrong?

Right. That's why humor is a tool. 99.9% of breathing human beings would rather laugh than get scolded. So I hope you'll keep reading, and be entertained.

What's next are two of the weirdest things in The Blue Book files. Science can't explain either one, but at the end we're gonna venture a guess. So don't skim or skip to the end ... you'll only miss out on some spooky stuff.

That's a promise from The Blue Book.

Weird Thing #1
Psychologists take a group of rats, and randomly divide them into two smaller, identically-sized sub-groups. Then volunteer observers (human beings, duh) are brought into a lab room containing a maze.

The observers are told they'll be observing a group of "dim witted" rats trying to complete the maze. The volunteers are asked to make notes describing how the rats learn to escape the maze.

Then the rats are released, and the observers start scribbling their notes. The first half of the experiment ends when the last rat finishes the maze.

For the second half of the experiment, the scientists bring in the other group of rats.

But this time the observers are told these rats are extremely intelligent, and expected to complete the maze very quickly. Then the rats are released, and the observers start scribbling their notes.

What psychologists learned from the experiment was that the "dim witted" rats completed the maze more slowly than average, and the "intelligent" rats completed the maze more quickly than average.

Yet all the rats came from the same original group.

Weird Thing #2
In the late 1990s scientists at Princeton began assembling data from a group of 41 random number generators [in this case, a random number generator, or RNG, is just a little gadget that does the digital equivalent of tossing a coin, creating a random series of "heads" and "tails" 200 times per second, day in and day out, as long as it's left on] from around the world ... and started keeping track of the results.

(Don't roll your eyes. You're already past the hard part and charging to the finish line.)

As you'd expect, the total number of heads and tails comes out pretty much the same ... an almost identical number of heads and tails.

But then on September 6, 1997, something strange happened. The number generators began throwing billion to one odds of heads sequences. No one could figure out why. It happened again on September 11, 2001. And again on December 26, 2004.

On September 6 1997 Princess Di's funeral was broadcast worldwide on live TV.
On September 11 2001 terrorists attacked the World Trade Center.
On December 26 2004 a psunami in the Indian Ocean killed over 230,000 people.

And the number generators had gone off the scale on those very same days.

Skeptics claim the results are pseudo science and inconclusive, the idea being that the combined mental processes of every human being on the planet somehow forms a "global consciousness" that might be predict, or at least acknowledge in some way, the future.

Gentle Reader, what do you think's going on?

Why did the "dumb" rats finish the maze so much more slowly than the "intelligent" rats ... when all the rats came from the same group?

Why do random number generators start throwing "all heads" during cataclysmic events?

The Blue Book guesses that both perception and expectation actually do affect a given outcome [we'll get into particle/wave issues another time, over coffee]. How or why this happens doesn't matter.

What's important is this: Bad Things will happen to your life when it's carelessly shared with people who only plan, know and do bad things.

You can expect it.

I'm Grateful for Being Pitiful

I'm glad I wasn't called to be a preacher. No, that's not true ... I'm eternally grateful for my lack of gifts.

In fact, I figure not being called to preach is such a huge blessing it'd be selfish if I asked God for any other blessings to make my path easier.

Some people may look at preachers and envy the attention, the authority, and the adulation some receive. But I don't look at it quite that way. I sorta see things the opposite.

I see being a preacher, especially one with a large congregation that's gotten lots of attention within its community, as someone who's answered a calling to carry a super-human burden of responsibility and accountability according to a standard that would find me pitifully inadequate and deficient.

I'd be a weenie preacher, Pastor Pitiful, and I know it.

I realized a long time ago that my gifts are better suited to warming the bench and filling water bottles than they are to calling plays or scoring touchdowns. I'm cool with that, and so long as God is too, then it's a non-issue ... and if the closest I have to get to a pulpit is staring at one then nobody's more thrilled than I am.

Because I couldn't handle the some of the stuff preachers deal with every day. Couldn't do it for an hour, I'm serious.

Stuff like being expected to say the blessing any time more than four people sit down to eat.

Or being called at home in the middle of the night because somebody's kid is in the hospital after playing basketball with a beehive.

I couldn't handle having folks in restaurants watch me eat to find out if preachers chew food the same way ordinary people do. I'd want to growl and start barking at people who kept staring as though they're expecting Moses to suddenly show up and join me for dessert.

And I'd worry about getting my feelings hurt if visitors from other churches didn't like the statue my congregration had erected in my honor.

I'm afraid I'd be hoarse from screaming at gossips Why Don't You People Get A Life?

I'd also have a hard time keeping quiet if I got criticized by older preachers ... especially narrow-minded preachers who'd spent a lifetime in the pulpit, and yet who have no trouble at all sleeping knowing they'll be retiring with a smaller congregation than the one they started off with 50 years ago.

I'd be bald from pulling my hair out every time I heard "You don't preach from The Bible!" from people who'd never once visited my church, but who were somehow experts on my relationship with Christ and what He's done, and is still doing, in my life.

I'm weak in lots of other ways, too.

I'd get headaches from banging my head against the wall, frustrated why members of my congregation didn't stay On Fire 24x7 ... and whether they were "getting it" when it comes to realizing that Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship with the living God.

If I was a preacher I'd start doubting my vision and start getting ulcers after hearing that a need existed that was going unanswered because "it's not in our church budget" to do anything about it.

It'd make me want to spend twenty minutes every Sunday reminding people "You're not going to need a big bank account in Heaven, because all your debts have already been paid. So loosen up those purse strings, brothers and sisters. It's not your money, after all."

But if there was one thing that might make me want to tell God I couldn't keep going, that there's no choice except to throw off my burden and sit down in the dirt to wait for the Rapture, it might be reading Acts and sensing the excitement and conviction that kept Paul going ... and then come across something like this in another book:

"Once a man makes the conversion of sinners his prime design and all-consuming end, he is exceedingly apt to adopt a wrong course. Instead of striving to preach the Truth in all its purity, he will tone it down so as to make it more palatable to the unregenerate. Impelled by a single force, moving in one fixed direction, his object is to make conversion easy, and therefore favorite passages (like John 3:16) are dwelt upon incessantly, while others are ignored or pared away."
--Arthur Pink (1886-1952), Present Day Evangelism

It's gotta make you wonder what battles the enemy's planning and winning while some churches are launching attacks against their own front lines instead.

What good is English? [Russian translation]

Здесь на голубой книге, мы стремимся управлять ясно политических аргумента и аргумент.

Голубая книга знает разницу между неправильны и право, и принимает вы делает, слишком. Вы приходите к голубой книге когда будет временем пнуть назад, извлекайте ваши ботинки, сидеть пожаром и ослабить, удобной знающ вас уже делали отдельно мир с внешним миром.

Голубая книга будет нашей кабиной каникула в стержн-drevesinax.

[ОДОБРЕНО, ровно я получаю снесенным прочь иногда]

В лубом случае, как-то устанавливать английскую язык как "официальныйа язык США" состязательн. Некоторые говорят будет здравыйа смысл, другие говорят он расистск.

Английская язык вероятно не будет обнята как официальныйа язык США в любое время скоро. Вероятно всегда. Тем временем, здесь немного стран которые делают:

Belize
Ботсвана
Южная
Африка
Танзания
Тринидад и Тобаго
Зимбабве
Hong Kong
Индии
Кении
Намибии
Нигерии
Philippines
Singapore
Южная Африка

Английская язык не может быть очень хороша здесь в США, но вокруг мира 402 миллиона говорят их, и только китайско и Hindi имейте больше говорящия на родном языке.

Потому что книга сини любит свой отдел читателей для всех вы фонологические вентиляторы истории, здесь будет заклепывать обзором разделения Поглощать-vanny.

Friday, July 28, 2006

What good is English?

Here at The Blue Book, we strive to steer clear of political argument and debate.

The Blue Book knows the difference between what's wrong and what's right, and assumes you do, too. You come to The Blue Book whenever it's time to kick back, take off your shoes, sit by the fire and relax, comfortable knowing you've already made a separate peace with the outside world.

The Blue Book is our getaway cabin in the web-woods.

[OK, even I get carried away sometimes]

Anyway, somehow establishing English as the "official language of the USA" is controversial. Some say it's common sense, others say it's racist.

English probably won't be embraced as the official language of the USA any time soon. Probably not ever. In the meantime, here's a few countries that do:

Belize
Botswana
Hong Kong
India
Kenya
Namibia
Nigeria
Philippines
Singapore
South Africa
Tanzania
Trinidad and Tobago
Zimbabwe

English may not be much good here in the USA, but around the world 402 million speak it, and only Chinese and Hindi have more native speakers.

Because The Blue Book Loves Its Readers Department
For all you phonological history fans, here's a riveting overview of The Trap-bath Split.

If Dogs Could Talk


People who've grown especially close to their dogs report having frequent dreams about their pets, including life-like episodes in which their faithful companion suddenly has the ability to talk and express its feelings.

Here's a few things Luke's said in mine:

How come we gotta watch what you wanna watch all the time?

No, why? Do
you need to go outside?

Walking around naked all the time is highly over-rated.


Hey! What're you doing in my water bowl?

Not Slamming the Geek

I always look forward to finding the latest X-treme geek catalog waiting in the mailbox.

X-treme geek has a catalog of innovative gadgets and cool tools for those of us who live with one hand glued to a mouse and the other to a hot key.

Most of their products are really awesome ... like a turntable with a USB cable so you can dub your old LPs directly to your hard drive

Here's a Wi-Fi radio that plays web music without requiring any connection to a PC (I'm not sure if Macs can log-on to the web, connect to a network, play music ... or boot-up without crashing).


But a few others left me laughing with the visuals ...

Ipod Illuminated Earbud Cords

Yeah, so you're wearing your illuminated earbud cables next time you're out dancing ... and suddenly Homeland Security shows up, locks the door and quarantines the building ... reacting to "grave concerns" that a toxic radioactive substance somehow found its way into the club's tap water, and turned patrons into phosphorescent human anatomy models.

Uncle John's Inspiring Bathroom Reading


Oh boy. I don't even need to say anything, do I? So I'll pass [Sorry] on this one instead.

Portable Agitating Washing Machine

"Here's an agitator washing machine that is truly portable. You can just pick it up! Long haul truckers and RV enthusiasts will love it and it's ideal for cramped dorm rooms, guest houses or cabins."

Dude! It's called a sheetrock bucket! Go grab the laundry soap, find a broomstick, and get those clothes clean!

Matrix Adapter Adds Multi-Display Capability To Your Laptop
"The Matrox DualHead2Go. It doubles your laptop's existing video out capabilities, providing independent output to two adjacent monitors simultaneously."

That's what I've been waiting for ... now when I'm working wirelessly from the couch I can drop my laptop, spill my coffee, scare Luke senseless, ruin my shirt, run from the room screaming with 3rd degree burns and drop two expensive flat-panel monitors on the floor just by leaning over to scratch my foot.

Technology is amazing, sure.

Friday's Blue Book Fun Trivia Quiz Playlist
When a lei-wearing Elvis impersonator groomsman shows up at your wedding, should you expect Jelly Donuts and Peanut Butter n' Banana sandwiches at a Blue Hawaii-themed reception?

Does the bride do The Twist to "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love" coming down the aisle?

While we're swimming with the visual dolphins, The Blue Book recommends these two Robert Johnson classics:
"Preaching Blues (Up Jumped the Devil)"
"Terraplane Blues"

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Notes on Being A Manager

A few quotes to fall asleep with, from baseball manager Casey Stengel.

"The trick is to keep the guys who hate you away from the ones who haven't made up their minds yet."

"Managing is getting paid for home runs someone else hits."

"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them."

"Most ball games are lost, not won."

"I could'nt done it without my players."

"Good pitching will always stop good hitting, and vice-versa."

Don't cut my throat, I may want to do that later myself."

What To Say To Someone Who Realizes They Made A Bad Mistake

Never say "I told you so" to anyone who's at the end of a relationship. Besides sounding insensitive, anybody can quote cliches ...which makes cliches worthless.

Try these instead:

1. A vampire can't come into your house unless you first invite him.

2. You knew it was a snake when you picked it up.

3. Maybe it really is you every time.

4. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.

5. Looking at the big picture, it's all small stuff.

Life is good here inside The Blue Book.

Where's Tack?

I been thinking about having some work done at the house, routine painting and repairs ... and I try to stick with folks I've already used, especially if they've been in business for a while.

I always used Sharply Builders, but they're not in the phone book anymore. Seems like Mr. Sharply retired 4 or 5 years back but he had a son, "Tack," who was about my age. Not much like his father, but Tack was funny in his own way.

Wish I had some way of getting in touch if they're still in business.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Kiss My Foot, But No Go On Toes?

Let's go ahead and get this outta the way:

On July 11, a 27-year old Boardman Township woman told police she was in a study room at the Boardman branch of the Public Library of Youngstown and Mahoning County about 6 p.m. Tuesday when a man came in and asked if she wanted to participate in his sociology project. Boardman is a suburb of Youngstown, Ohio.

The man, whom she described as 20 to 25 years old with a thin build and black curly hair, told her that he had to kiss people's feet and record their reactions as part of a sociology research experiment.

She relented and he briefly kissed the bottom of her foot, and then without warning he began sucking her toe, according to a police report. She then pulled her foot away and the man asked her reaction to which she replied she was freaked out.

The victim then went to her car and applied hand sanitizer to her foot.

Joseph Colella, 28, of Olde Winter Trail, Poland Township was indicted for gross sexual imposition.

If convicted, he could be sentenced for between six and 18 months incarceration and ordered to pay a fine of up to $5,000.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Never In My Life ...

When I started doing The Blue Book last year I wasn't expecting much to come from it.

But a minute ago when I checked the latest web stats from Netcraft, well, you can imagine how shocked I was to see The Blue Book ranked among the top 1000 most popular web sites in the world ... alongside names like Downloadaccelerator.com, Freevideogallery.com and Sony.com!

I can't tell you what it feels like every time I look down at the rankings and see ... wait, hold on a second.

Uh, looks like I missed a couple of zeros in there somewhere. Sorry.

Never mind.

SpeedStacker

Sports stacking, wouldn't ya know, started in California as a game to help children improve their coordination.

Sports Stacking involves stacking and unstacking cups.

From its humble origins, Sports Stacking's grown into a competitive sport with divisions including the 3-3-3, the 3-6-3, team relay, Time to Shoot For and the Cycle Stack.

ESPN's airing coverage of the World Sports Stacking Championships on August 21. You can buy Sports Stacking essentials here.

"Stack early. Stack often. Stack fast."

Monday, July 24, 2006

Props to Ken!

I'm crunk about my homie Ken tweakin' his font. Man, that is clean.

Until this morning, my tiny screen meant I looked like this every time I dropped by the AVCLUB. But it's all good now.

ps. Just realized I'm glad I made it through the 90's without ever hearing, Yo, yo, homie Joe!


Lady Big Shots

Might be hard to believe that in the days while the US was still waiting for TV and the NBA to be invented, Exhibition Shooting was a wildly popular national sport. What's been almost completely forgotten from those days is the amazing skills of the women.

Next to Annie Oakley, Elizabeth "Plinky" Servantry Topperwein, who performed shooting exhibitions with her husband, Ad, is probably the most famous.
In 1904 the Topperweins performed at the St. Louis World Fair, and later that year she became the first woman to break 100 straight at trap. Plinky went on to shoot 14 consecutive 200 straight in Alabama, and in 1916 she broke 1952 out of 2000 targets in 5 hours and 20 minutes.

That's some kinda shootin'.

Annie Oakley described Plinky as "the greatest shooter of all time."

Plinky retired in the 1920s after giving birth to her only child, and died in San Antonio, Texas in 1945.

Lillian Smith [above] joined Buffalo Bill Cody's Wild West Show at age 15, and was known not only for her shooting skills but also for her flashy outfits ... and for being a "flirt."

Guess ya had to be there.

Betting on the Future

People love trying to guess and make predictions about what's gonna happen in the future. Here's a web site that lets you Put Up, or Shut Up.

Longbets.org is the web site of the Long Bets Foundation, which "is a public arena for enjoyably competitive predictions, of interest to society, with philanthropic money at stake."

Let's say you believe that in 2007, "a Google search of five keywords or phrases representing the top five news stories of 2007, weblogs will rank higher than the New York Times' Web site."

What you'd do is log on at longbets.org and place a $1000 bet that that prediction will come true. Whether you win or lose, your wager is donated to charity.

I feel pretty confident myself about making two predictions:

1. I predict it's a bad idea to make bets
2. I predict not many people will be placing $1000 bets on Prediction #1

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Petition Power

Wish there was some way of putting a petition together with 10,000 names on it- and ask Ken to use a bigger font. When I squint to read it the letters suddenly turn 3D. Now that I think about it, that's pretty cool.
Never mind ...

You Can't Teach An Old Dog ...

The only TV I watch any more these days is the news.

(Before I say anything else, rather than risk leaving you with the wrong impression about things, I'll avoid mentioning any names and use a pseudonym for the specific network instead).

Seems like every time I'm watching "The Foxy News Channel" they play that 10-second "Play In" with the barking dog sound bite [sorry] at the end.

Problem is, their dog barks through my rear speakers and doggone it, every time that happens I immediately Run to the Window to find out what's got Luke so upset.

Every time. I still do it. Even if Luke's in the room with me waiting for The Dog Whisperer to come on.

Luke doesn't even lift up his head, he just rolls his eyes and snickers till I settle back down. Man, you'd think I woulda learned by now.

Sometimes I look at Luke, and gotta wonder who's training who.

The Amazing Weekly Money Puzzle

Ever noticed when you're worried about going broke and decide to "Fine Tune" your finances by holding off on tithing "to make sure everything else gets caught up with first" ... that somehow everything else only ends up getting even farther behind?

Wonder what's up with that?

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Today Belongs to Brookers

Folks, making videos is hard. Just ask Ken or DJ how many days, or even weeks, it can take to complete a 4-minute piece.

When showtime comes around it's literally a matter of "Ready or not, let's see what you got." And when it's your work on the screen it's easy to feel like you're watching a newly-born foal trying to stand on its own feet for the first time.

Other times you gotta take a deep breath ... and hope viewers don't start throwing seat cushions.

Posting videos at YouTube.com can earn a would-be filmmaker either almost instant acclaim or thousands of blisteringly negative reviews. That's why Brookers deserves mention.

Love her
or hate her, Brookers is a 20-year old auteur from Worcester, Massachusetts who's created her own phenomena with nothing more than a web cam, a silly grin and a small galaxy of imagination.

Here's the first video that got the YouTube world buzzing about Brookers.

Elephant Kills TN Sanctuary Worker

From USA Today 7/21/2006

Elephant kills handler in Tennessee sanctuary
"A 36-year-old woman whose love for pachyderms led her from her native Maine to rural Lewis County, Tenn., was attacked and killed Friday morning at a preserve for aging elephants, authorities said.

Also, a man who handles the 22 Asian and African elephants at The Elephant Sanctuary was injured and hospitalized late Friday at Maury Regional Medical Center in Columbia, Tenn.

The aggressor was Winkie, a 40-year-old female Asian elephant who has been at the sanctuary for six years and who has a history of attacking humans who worked with her.


It is unclear what will happen to the elephant now."

Let's hope nothing "happens" to Winkie. According to a spokesman for the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency, Winkie has an eye injury on the same side of her head where the the woman was standing when the attack began.

This is Winkie, from The Elephant Sanctuary web site.

This from Monday July 17, 2006 at The Blue Book.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Cheap Share A Ton Endorsement

Here at The Blue Book, we never want to cow-tow to parasitic corporate interests. And we're not gonna do it now. The Blue Book doesn't sell itself out to The Man for cheap profit.

BUT!

The oh-so-yes-say-so Sheraton "We Belong" TV Commercial!
Have you seen it? (Vote Yes [ ] No [ ] )

It's a commercial straight from the daydreams of The Blue Book, which means Luke and I fall on the floor simultaneously and start scratching (fleas) everytime it comes on.

25?

Because (A) It's got a Ridgeback near the opening (b) The "We Belong" version's better than Benatar (c) Long hair works, Long Hair works good (d) unrelated: But dreds are better

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Less than 7% of communication is verbal


"I've been to the Egyptian Theater in Los Angeles and the Ziegfeld in New York. Both theaters combined would not be nearly as beautiful as the shimmering Tampa Theatre." -Born Jaded

For your approval ...

Here's the NPR show about the Wurlitzer organ at The Tampa Theater. Actually includes what it sounds like, so see whatcha think.

Yes, yes ... YES!!!

Behold the Mighty Wurlitzer

Saturday morning on NPR I got a chance to hear this Wurlitzer in action. Supposedly it's only one of three of its kind in the world.

The magnificent 3 manual, 14 rank instrument organ at The Tampa Theater sits atop a wood platform that originally rose from beneath the stage floor once the organist started playing.

The Wurlitzer's still used today. Check out the pipes.

Oh Mama, now that's a keyboard!

I spent more than a few Saturday mornings entranced by double-features at The Tampa Theater when I was a kid, but the Wurlitzer wasn't fired up for childrens' matinees, and I've never heard it played in person.

That's the thing about memories and magical places. Once they stick, they stay with ya a long long time. One day I'll go back, and hear the Wurlitzer live.

Some photos of The Tampa Theater.

Web's Funniest Site?

Check out TheOnion.com if you haven't already.

Monday night's edition had me crying, gagging, holding my sides and choking from laughing so hard. I had to force myself to stop reading it and look away from the screen ... before anything happened I couldn't control.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Gonna Want One?

-- Part 7 (conclusion) --
Welcome to The Happy Helmet

Movie theaters will become obsolete much sooner than we think. So will CDs, DVDs, MP3 players, big screen TVs and home theater systems.

Books will vanish before that, and nutty, unsafe behavior like space exploration, automobile racing, sky diving, bungi jumping and mountain climbing will also have disappeared ... due to lack of interest.

The internet will have vanished, and Ipods and portable DVD players will seem like leftovers from the Stone Age compared to what's coming next.

Technology will have created something that's better than anything you can imagine, an experience more new, improved and exciting than the original.

And every one of us will be convinced we can't live without one.

What the heck am I talking about?

The Totally Awesome Entertaining and Simulated Life Happy Helmet!

You might start seeing ads like this:

Imagine watching hallucination-quality movies packed full of stunning 3D action and special effects thrills ... as though reality's happening right before your eyes! Imagine uncompressed skull-rattling surround sound so real you can feel it!

Imagine having all of life's experiences at your disposal- just waiting for your indulgence!

Only slightly larger than a conventional motorcycle helmet, once you've tried on The Happy Helmet you won't even notice it's there. You'll almost start wondering how you lived without one- But no you won't ... because your Happy Helmet experience will already be underway!

But The Happy Helmet doesn't just do movies, music and video games!

The Happy Helmet offers a comprehensive library of experiences, emotions and relationship simulations... ready whenever you need one!

Forget About Imagination! With the touch of a button you can:
-Conquer New Challenges ... from your couch!
-Feel what it's like to climb Mount Everest in total comfort and safety!
-Drive and win exciting NASCAR races! Crash all you want without risking hospitalization or injury!
-Be the winning quarterback in the Super Bowl ... and score all you want!
-Put yourself in life-like real combat with the latest new action games like World War III: Mid-East Meltdown!, Korean Nuclear Exchange! and Borderline: Terror Time in Texas!

Optional Happy Helmet Romance Package Firmware Upgrade Offer:
-If your current marriage is dull and boring, why not try spending a new honeymoon in Paris with Angelina? Inside The Happy Helmet is better than being there!
-Need Even More? If Angelina starts getting on your nerves, just change channels and do Las Vegas Jessica Biel-style any time you're ready!
-(Happy Helmet for Women includes Nick Lachey, Matthew McConaughey and Patrick Dempsey ... with no additional service charges or late fees!)


Thousands of testimonials from satisfied owners all say identically the same thing word for word: Life inside The Happy Helmet is indistinguishable from actually being alive! ... (and not just because we've wired them to think so, we promise!)

Real Life Will Never Be The Same! Order Yours Now!

Notice: Routine hygiene maintenance care by a trained professional strongly recommended.

If The Happy Helmet has a catch, it's gonna be that once you've put it on, The Happy Helmet can't come off.

Not ever, because the interface requires surgical attachment to the brain stem. But wearing the helmet 24x7 won't be a problem, because a heavy duty feed bag (included) will guarantee you'll stay nourished, full and happy ... without ever having to interrupt your entertainment experience.

Let's hope the first run of Happy Helmets don't get shipped with defective backup batteries. Just in case the electricity ever goes out, or somebody forgets to pay the power bill.

Know Your Toads!

This is a Cane Toad.


A Cane Toad responds to threats by oozing venom from its glands toward potential attackers. Cane Toads can also squirt a fine spray for a short distances. Cane Toad venom is strong enough to kill crocodiles.

While there are no recorded human deaths resulting from contact with oozing Cane Toad venom glands, don't eat Cane Toads or use their eggs in your favorite Toad Egg Soup recipe. People have died after eating toads , and also from eating soup made from toad eggs.

Now they tell us.

Tech How To: Install links on a Mac

This simple solution solves all the annoying problems most owners encounter after powering-up their Macs. Try this quick fix ... it works!

1. Buy two (2) 3/8" quick-links at the local hardware store.

2. While you're there, pick up 150 feet of galvanized chain. And a 2" drill bit.

3. Use the bit to drill one 2" hole in each component, beginning with your keyboard. Continue by drilling one hole each in your Mac's chassis, monitor stand and whatever peripherals were included. Now ease the chain through the holes you just drilled.

4. Use one quick-link to form a closed loop securing your Mac on one end of the chain. Use the remaining quick-link to attach the free end of the chain to a suitable cleat on the boat.

5. Upon arriving at a depth suitable for anchoring, simply slip your Mac over the side.

This is one task that Macs perform perfectly every time!

:-) Please don't get mad at me for always cracking on Macs. I tried hiking the Apple Trail, really I did ... but a $6000 total loss that left only a medley of deep-fried apple parts means I'm just having a hard time getting accustomed to being a Macasualty. Have pity instead ...:-)