"Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight."
Psalms 144:1
Friday, July 14, 2006
I'm Gone On Vacation
Man, I need some time off and doggone it, this time I'm gonna take it!
I'm not talking about spending the rest of the summer cruising the Med, or frolicking (can you imagine a 3-legged turtle frolicking?) on a glassy black sand beach in the Caribbean.
Driving up to Highlands for a long weekend and being car sick for an afternoon would be enough. The problem was I couldn't figure out how to afford it.
Then today I saw a commercial on TV that said I can get the cash I need for my vacation by taking out a title loan on my car. They're actually gonna give me cash so I can sit back and stop worrying about paying off my bills! It looks so easy it's amazing.
And I'm so pumped I can't stand it, because now I've got extra cash to blow on anything I want! Shoot, folks who think you shouldn't take a vacation just because you can't afford to must have all their numbers wrong.
Maybe my brain's what's actually gone on vacation. Geepers.
I'm not talking about spending the rest of the summer cruising the Med, or frolicking (can you imagine a 3-legged turtle frolicking?) on a glassy black sand beach in the Caribbean.
Driving up to Highlands for a long weekend and being car sick for an afternoon would be enough. The problem was I couldn't figure out how to afford it.
Then today I saw a commercial on TV that said I can get the cash I need for my vacation by taking out a title loan on my car. They're actually gonna give me cash so I can sit back and stop worrying about paying off my bills! It looks so easy it's amazing.
And I'm so pumped I can't stand it, because now I've got extra cash to blow on anything I want! Shoot, folks who think you shouldn't take a vacation just because you can't afford to must have all their numbers wrong.
Maybe my brain's what's actually gone on vacation. Geepers.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Stuff You Didn't Know About Diet & Exercise
I hope a few simple facts will clear up several popular misconceptions about both diet and exercise:
1. Don't Confuse Muscle with Fat. Sometime around age 20 our metabolism changes significantly and almost overnight, begins converting excess calories, fat and sugars directly into muscle mass. This helps explain why I "looked thinner" in photos taken when I was 20. Actually I just had less muscle mass.
2. Never Eat Just One Dessert. Nibbling at desserts is guaranteed to make you gain weight. Your digestive system can only handle a limited amount of sugars and fat at one sitting and after reaching that amount, any excess goes "straight through the pipes" because it's too much to be absorbed all at once. That's why when I'm in the mood for doughnuts or peanutbutter pie, I eat the whole box (or three pieces) at one time ... without worrying for a moment about where it's gonna end up.
3. Weight Training Does NOT Increase Muscle Mass. Any "muscle gain" from weight training is deceptive, because anabolic muscle "gains" are nothing more than fluid retention. You start sweating when lifting weights, ... and what you haven't sweated out by the time you finish your workout is trapped there under the skin, making your muscles look big and unnaturally swollen.
This is easily proven: Do you feel stronger, or actually weaker, after you've finished working out with weights? All you are is extra thirsty. Nuff said.
4. Diet Coke Dissolves Calories. Everybody with an e-mail account knows Diet Coke dissolves stubborn toilet stains, so just imagine what Diet Coke can do to food waiting to be digested inside your tummy. Calories are instantly destroyed and reduced to harmless gas ... and every burp actually burns off 5000 calories and eliminates up to 65 fat grams.
5. Increase Your Energy By Eating Fewer Leafy Greens and Vegetables. The African Cheetah is the world's fastest land mammal ... and when's the last time you saw a cheetah chowing down on a salad or a bowl of green beans?
Deep-fried sugar is aggressive, and actually attacks wimpy trans-fatty acids, converting harmful cholesterols into pure oxygen on contact while we’re chewing. It’s the additional oxygen released by foods like french fries, pizza and peanutbutter pie that gives us the happy "rush" we feel when we eat them.
On the other hand, stuff with excessive green color (salads, spinach and green beans) actually raises our chlorofill levels to dangerous proportions, which causes our bodies to start photosynthesis the next time we're exposed to sunlight. Our skin starts releasing oxygen like trees and shrubs, which leaves (get it?) us feeling drained and tired.
And that's all I know.
1. Don't Confuse Muscle with Fat. Sometime around age 20 our metabolism changes significantly and almost overnight, begins converting excess calories, fat and sugars directly into muscle mass. This helps explain why I "looked thinner" in photos taken when I was 20. Actually I just had less muscle mass.
2. Never Eat Just One Dessert. Nibbling at desserts is guaranteed to make you gain weight. Your digestive system can only handle a limited amount of sugars and fat at one sitting and after reaching that amount, any excess goes "straight through the pipes" because it's too much to be absorbed all at once. That's why when I'm in the mood for doughnuts or peanutbutter pie, I eat the whole box (or three pieces) at one time ... without worrying for a moment about where it's gonna end up.
3. Weight Training Does NOT Increase Muscle Mass. Any "muscle gain" from weight training is deceptive, because anabolic muscle "gains" are nothing more than fluid retention. You start sweating when lifting weights, ... and what you haven't sweated out by the time you finish your workout is trapped there under the skin, making your muscles look big and unnaturally swollen.
This is easily proven: Do you feel stronger, or actually weaker, after you've finished working out with weights? All you are is extra thirsty. Nuff said.
4. Diet Coke Dissolves Calories. Everybody with an e-mail account knows Diet Coke dissolves stubborn toilet stains, so just imagine what Diet Coke can do to food waiting to be digested inside your tummy. Calories are instantly destroyed and reduced to harmless gas ... and every burp actually burns off 5000 calories and eliminates up to 65 fat grams.
5. Increase Your Energy By Eating Fewer Leafy Greens and Vegetables. The African Cheetah is the world's fastest land mammal ... and when's the last time you saw a cheetah chowing down on a salad or a bowl of green beans?
Deep-fried sugar is aggressive, and actually attacks wimpy trans-fatty acids, converting harmful cholesterols into pure oxygen on contact while we’re chewing. It’s the additional oxygen released by foods like french fries, pizza and peanutbutter pie that gives us the happy "rush" we feel when we eat them.
On the other hand, stuff with excessive green color (salads, spinach and green beans) actually raises our chlorofill levels to dangerous proportions, which causes our bodies to start photosynthesis the next time we're exposed to sunlight. Our skin starts releasing oxygen like trees and shrubs, which leaves (get it?) us feeling drained and tired.
And that's all I know.
Charismatics Gone Wild!
I really need to get a grip on my Googling.
Lots of folks either go the gym & lift weights, do aerobics, run extreme distances or actually do all three to get their cardio going. Then there's me, who achieves maximum intensity by reading the bloggers I disagree with the most.
That's how I came across this item from a blogger complaining (this time) about Charismatics.
"He reports on some recent jaw dropping incidents within nationally known charismatic churches, including one church where the pastoral staff convinced all its wives and staffers to get breast implants."
She's not clear about whether the "staffers," as in most churches, includes men ... which leaves some pretty ugly images left to our imaginations.
The point here has nothing to do with breast implants or Charismatics (like emerging/emergent churches, definitions and distinctions don't make much sense to me). My point is that after Googling for 45 minutes I failed to find the original source for this story, or a single documented reference to where this much-linked "jaw dropping incident" actually took place.
Guess it could've been anywhere, or it might've been nowhere ... it doesn't matter so long as the allegations and rumors are consistent with that blogger's worst fears and confirm her suspicions that folks who don't believe the way she does are bad apples indeed.
PS. Wonder what they called their capital campaign???
Lots of folks either go the gym & lift weights, do aerobics, run extreme distances or actually do all three to get their cardio going. Then there's me, who achieves maximum intensity by reading the bloggers I disagree with the most.
That's how I came across this item from a blogger complaining (this time) about Charismatics.
"He reports on some recent jaw dropping incidents within nationally known charismatic churches, including one church where the pastoral staff convinced all its wives and staffers to get breast implants."
She's not clear about whether the "staffers," as in most churches, includes men ... which leaves some pretty ugly images left to our imaginations.
The point here has nothing to do with breast implants or Charismatics (like emerging/emergent churches, definitions and distinctions don't make much sense to me). My point is that after Googling for 45 minutes I failed to find the original source for this story, or a single documented reference to where this much-linked "jaw dropping incident" actually took place.
Guess it could've been anywhere, or it might've been nowhere ... it doesn't matter so long as the allegations and rumors are consistent with that blogger's worst fears and confirm her suspicions that folks who don't believe the way she does are bad apples indeed.
PS. Wonder what they called their capital campaign???
Somebody Slap Me
I wouldn't know Joe Sangl if he walked up and slapped me in the face.
But I wish there was a time when he'd come up and knocked me flat silly. That's why now I'm hoping he'll lay one upside your head, too. Joe blogs about personal finances and how to become (and stay) debt-free.
It's not a gimmick or get rich quick scheme. Joe presents solid, 100% reality-based insights on how "only a little" debt snowballs, affects our choices, takes over our lives and turns us into slaves. Joe's blog is packed full of solid advice about getting your finances under control and keeping them there.
It might be hard to believe but there was a time when being a "debtor" carried a social stigma ... sorta like being an alcoholic who couldn't function without a drink, or an addict hustling the streets looking for the next fix.
Be Honest with Yourself: If racing down to the mall with a wallet (or purse) full of plastic is your idea of fun or recreation then you need to listen up.
Being out of financial control and accumulating DEBT is Not Fun. Paying 22% finance charges is isn't just STUPID ... it's a hint you might be addicted to spending.
We've been brainwashed with temptations like 0% interest and No Money Down Easy Credit Terms. But credit cards don't convey social status and aren't proof of your financial success, no matter what their advertising claims.
A credit card is your Debt Slave ID Badge and only impresses other people that you're a debt "ho" who's borrowing money from a credit pimp to buy stuff you really can't afford.
And pimps don't care about anything except getting their money paid back with 22% interest.
You need to start getting out of debt today ... and there's no better time to take the first step than right now.
But I wish there was a time when he'd come up and knocked me flat silly. That's why now I'm hoping he'll lay one upside your head, too. Joe blogs about personal finances and how to become (and stay) debt-free.
It's not a gimmick or get rich quick scheme. Joe presents solid, 100% reality-based insights on how "only a little" debt snowballs, affects our choices, takes over our lives and turns us into slaves. Joe's blog is packed full of solid advice about getting your finances under control and keeping them there.
It might be hard to believe but there was a time when being a "debtor" carried a social stigma ... sorta like being an alcoholic who couldn't function without a drink, or an addict hustling the streets looking for the next fix.
Be Honest with Yourself: If racing down to the mall with a wallet (or purse) full of plastic is your idea of fun or recreation then you need to listen up.
Being out of financial control and accumulating DEBT is Not Fun. Paying 22% finance charges is isn't just STUPID ... it's a hint you might be addicted to spending.
We've been brainwashed with temptations like 0% interest and No Money Down Easy Credit Terms. But credit cards don't convey social status and aren't proof of your financial success, no matter what their advertising claims.
A credit card is your Debt Slave ID Badge and only impresses other people that you're a debt "ho" who's borrowing money from a credit pimp to buy stuff you really can't afford.
And pimps don't care about anything except getting their money paid back with 22% interest.
You need to start getting out of debt today ... and there's no better time to take the first step than right now.
Insomnia
WHAT am I doing up at 2:54 AM?
I messed up earlier by fslling asleep for an hour around 6 PM.
What's there to do here in LA [Lower Anderson] at 3:00 AM?
Not much. I had the idea of disguising my voice, calling DJ's house and demanding he let me speak to Elvis, until I realized DJ's probably already up editing. Or still up editing. And DJ probably knows somebody who knows somebody in Nashville who knows how to get in touch with Elvis. So I dropped that idea.
What'd you do instead?
Stopped by the AVClub, and checked out the movie reviews. It's really surprising how few people there are up blogging between 3-4 AM.
Any chance now of ever falling asleep?
I much doubt it.
Any thing you're particularly happy about now that it's almost 3:30?
Yeah ... I'm glad roaches don't chirp like crickets.
You'd better get some sleep.
Ok, but I think I heard the new rooster go off ...
I messed up earlier by fslling asleep for an hour around 6 PM.
What's there to do here in LA [Lower Anderson] at 3:00 AM?
Not much. I had the idea of disguising my voice, calling DJ's house and demanding he let me speak to Elvis, until I realized DJ's probably already up editing. Or still up editing. And DJ probably knows somebody who knows somebody in Nashville who knows how to get in touch with Elvis. So I dropped that idea.
What'd you do instead?
Stopped by the AVClub, and checked out the movie reviews. It's really surprising how few people there are up blogging between 3-4 AM.
Any chance now of ever falling asleep?
I much doubt it.
Any thing you're particularly happy about now that it's almost 3:30?
Yeah ... I'm glad roaches don't chirp like crickets.
You'd better get some sleep.
Ok, but I think I heard the new rooster go off ...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Our Small is Your Mall?
When I moved to The Electric City seems like the mall had about four stores and a twin-theater ... including a Sears on one end and a Belk's on the other. All that's changed now: I think there's 10 stores and a foodcourt.
Consider that West Edmonton Mall in Edmonton, Alberta Canada is the world's biggest shopping mall:
over 800 stores
58 entrances
20,000 parking spaces
26 movie theatres
23,500 employees
In floor space, it takes up 115 football fields
Adds a whole new dimension to squinting across the parking lot and mumbling, "Honey, do you remember where we parked the car?"
Consider that West Edmonton Mall in Edmonton, Alberta Canada is the world's biggest shopping mall:
over 800 stores
58 entrances
20,000 parking spaces
26 movie theatres
23,500 employees
In floor space, it takes up 115 football fields
Adds a whole new dimension to squinting across the parking lot and mumbling, "Honey, do you remember where we parked the car?"
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
How Much Does It Hurt?
Oh, what an ouch it is ...In case you ever wondered (as I frequently do), somebody put together a Pain Index to compare how much different insect bites hurt:
- 1.0 Sweat bee: Light, ephemeral, almost fruity. A tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm.
- 1.2 Fire ant: Sharp, sudden, mildly alarming. Like walking across a shag carpet & reaching for the light switch.
- 1.8 Bullhorn acacia ant: A rare, piercing, elevated sort of pain. Someone has fired a staple into your cheek.
- 2.0 Bald-faced hornet: Rich, hearty, slightly crunchy. Similar to getting your hand mashed in a revolving door.
- 2.0 Yellowjacket: Hot and smoky, almost irreverent. Imagine WC Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue.
- 3.0 Red harvester ant: Bold and unrelenting. Somebody is using a drill to excavate your ingrown toenail.
- 3.0 Paper wasp: Caustic & burning. Distinctly bitter aftertaste. Like spilling a beaker of Hydrochloric acid on a paper cut.
- 4.0 Pepsis wasp: Blinding, fierce, shockingly electric. A running hair drier has been dropped into your bubble bath (if you get stung by one you might as well lie down and scream).
- 4.0+ Bullet ant: Pure, intense, brilliant pain. Like walking over flaming charcoal with a 3-inch nail in your heel.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Time to Laugh and Relax
Dear Reader,
I know I tax your patience with long blogs about silent movies, recipes you wouldn't eat on a dare and photos of how I trim my toe nails. But now it's time to say Thank You to everyone who writes in ...
I know I tax your patience with long blogs about silent movies, recipes you wouldn't eat on a dare and photos of how I trim my toe nails. But now it's time to say Thank You to everyone who writes in ...
I no longer longer have any money after sending it all to Penny Brown, but that will change once I recieve the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programs.
I have learned that my prayers will only get answered if I forward an e-mail to 7 of my friends and make a wish in 5 minutes.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore or Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I have their recipe.
And I can't ever pick up $5 I dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my butt.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back causing you to grow a hair lump. I know this will occur because it acually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second hsuband's cousin's beautician.......
[Thanks Paula!]
[Thanks Paula!]
THIS is Ugly Good Times
Whatever happened to Ken's rooster?
Sure, you're so used to seeing it there above the TV you didn't even notice till now. But it's gone.
Ha ha, hahahahhaha. Ze rooster, she is mine.
[Insert Grief Here]
What am I doing with Ken's rooster?
[Insert Uh-Oh Here]
Ken's ex-Rooster knows secret stuff about Lost Season 3, I'm just saying.
The Rooster rocks. See if it doesn't.
Sure, you're so used to seeing it there above the TV you didn't even notice till now. But it's gone.
Ha ha, hahahahhaha. Ze rooster, she is mine.
[Insert Grief Here]
What am I doing with Ken's rooster?
[Insert Uh-Oh Here]
Ken's ex-Rooster knows secret stuff about Lost Season 3, I'm just saying.
The Rooster rocks. See if it doesn't.
MEN ONLY MONDAY: Stuff Women Don't Want You to Know
Guys, here's a big heads-up on having a quiet and peaceful life.
Sometimes we think it's funny to throw up our arms in front of each other, make a whiney voice and shrug,"That's fine honey. We'll do whatever you want" as though we're in control and actually doing women a favor by "going along."
One of the biggest mistakes you'll ever make is deluding yourself into thinking you've got your girlfriend, wife or fiance "all figured out."
Women let men think they're in charge, which only proves how powerful and smart women really are.
Men, what I want you to do now is go grab a magic marker, stand at attention in front of the closest mirror and jot this down across your forehead:
Today I Have New Respect For My Girlfriend/Wife/Fiance .. And Hope She Lets Me Live
Laugh it up and ignore this wisdom at your own peril, Mr. Mean Macho Man. Examples of females from all species fighting tooth and nail against incredible odds to protect their young simply aren't matched by anything males of the same species do in combat ... and besides, males tend to only fight each other when it comes to deciding mating rights.
I mean privileges.
Unless you've got an engine block for a brain, you should see at this point that women even control the thing Men think's most important to Men, which tells me we're not even in charge of what makes us think we're guys.
You might be feeling scared right now and that's okay. Be very, very scared ... women only keep us around because they feel sorry for us, and understand we need protection from ourselves.
Here's a few women you should be glad aren't nagging you to take out the trash:
Boudica was a sword-weilding warrrior queen of the Iceni people of Eastern Britain who led a major uprising against the Romans between 60-61 A.D.
Fights between Roman gladiators often included "women of rank." Women were also venatores (gladiators who fought wild animals in the Roman arena) until their participation was outlawed by Emperor Alexander Severus in 200 AD ... maybe because so many male gladiators complained?
Mademoiselle La Maupin was an 18th century French actress who had a nasty habit of challenging men who'd offended her to duels to the death. With swords. Apparently Mademoiselle wasn't just wagging her sword through empty air, because King Louis XIV issued her a pardon for killing several men in one evening during a formal ball.
Maybe Mademoiselle didn't like their answers after she asked, "Monsieur, does this gown make me look fat?"
Mary Reed and Anne Bonny were pirates. Like, real swash-buckling pirates of the Caribbean who were "resolute and ready to board or undertake anything that was hazardous in the time of action."
A witness at their trial said both women cursed and swore with the best of men and never cringed at murder. The lady pirates changed into men’s jackets, trousers, with handkerchiefs tied around their heads any time the possibility of action arose. I'm guessing Mary and Anne also knew how to handle their swords.
Mademoiselle Leverrier fought a duel with a naval officer, Duprez, who had jilted her, in 1777. Other lady duellists included Mademoiselle de Guignes, Mademoiselle d'Aiguillon, Lady Almeria Braddock, Mrs Elphinstone, Comptesse de Polignac and Marquise de Nesle.
Mary Hagidorn, armed only with a spear, helped defend a fort against British attack during the American Revolution.
Guys are you starting to see a pattern here? Women like shiny sharp pointed weapons like swords, spears or fingernails ... and history confirms they're awfully skilled at using all three.
So maybe next time you feel like complaining about everything your wife/girlfriend/fiance keeps doing wrong, try taking a deep breath instead ... and remember to keep all sharp shiny pointed objects well-hidden and out of sight.
Sometimes we think it's funny to throw up our arms in front of each other, make a whiney voice and shrug,"That's fine honey. We'll do whatever you want" as though we're in control and actually doing women a favor by "going along."
One of the biggest mistakes you'll ever make is deluding yourself into thinking you've got your girlfriend, wife or fiance "all figured out."
Women let men think they're in charge, which only proves how powerful and smart women really are.
Men, what I want you to do now is go grab a magic marker, stand at attention in front of the closest mirror and jot this down across your forehead:
Today I Have New Respect For My Girlfriend/Wife/Fiance .. And Hope She Lets Me Live
Laugh it up and ignore this wisdom at your own peril, Mr. Mean Macho Man. Examples of females from all species fighting tooth and nail against incredible odds to protect their young simply aren't matched by anything males of the same species do in combat ... and besides, males tend to only fight each other when it comes to deciding mating rights.
I mean privileges.
Unless you've got an engine block for a brain, you should see at this point that women even control the thing Men think's most important to Men, which tells me we're not even in charge of what makes us think we're guys.
You might be feeling scared right now and that's okay. Be very, very scared ... women only keep us around because they feel sorry for us, and understand we need protection from ourselves.
Here's a few women you should be glad aren't nagging you to take out the trash:
Boudica was a sword-weilding warrrior queen of the Iceni people of Eastern Britain who led a major uprising against the Romans between 60-61 A.D.
Fights between Roman gladiators often included "women of rank." Women were also venatores (gladiators who fought wild animals in the Roman arena) until their participation was outlawed by Emperor Alexander Severus in 200 AD ... maybe because so many male gladiators complained?
Mademoiselle La Maupin was an 18th century French actress who had a nasty habit of challenging men who'd offended her to duels to the death. With swords. Apparently Mademoiselle wasn't just wagging her sword through empty air, because King Louis XIV issued her a pardon for killing several men in one evening during a formal ball.
Maybe Mademoiselle didn't like their answers after she asked, "Monsieur, does this gown make me look fat?"
Mary Reed and Anne Bonny were pirates. Like, real swash-buckling pirates of the Caribbean who were "resolute and ready to board or undertake anything that was hazardous in the time of action."
A witness at their trial said both women cursed and swore with the best of men and never cringed at murder. The lady pirates changed into men’s jackets, trousers, with handkerchiefs tied around their heads any time the possibility of action arose. I'm guessing Mary and Anne also knew how to handle their swords.
Mademoiselle Leverrier fought a duel with a naval officer, Duprez, who had jilted her, in 1777. Other lady duellists included Mademoiselle de Guignes, Mademoiselle d'Aiguillon, Lady Almeria Braddock, Mrs Elphinstone, Comptesse de Polignac and Marquise de Nesle.
Mary Hagidorn, armed only with a spear, helped defend a fort against British attack during the American Revolution.
Guys are you starting to see a pattern here? Women like shiny sharp pointed weapons like swords, spears or fingernails ... and history confirms they're awfully skilled at using all three.
So maybe next time you feel like complaining about everything your wife/girlfriend/fiance keeps doing wrong, try taking a deep breath instead ... and remember to keep all sharp shiny pointed objects well-hidden and out of sight.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Notes On Not Knowing Anything About Anything
I don't have claim to any kind of gift of prophecy at all. In fact, anytime I can remember where I'm heading after riding an elevator more than one floor is almost enough to make me throw a party.
Whoever wrote "Hindsight is always 20/20"apparently didn't know about me, because no matter how obvious the reasons my mistakes might seem I still end up squinting, scratching my head and thinking, "Wonder why that happened?"
Am I really that dense? You decide: I'm one of the folks who get credit card offers in the mail and think it's because somebody at the bank likes me. When somebody blows their horn at me in traffic I think it's somebody I know trying to get my attention so they can wave hello.
In other words when it comes to having vision, if I ever had it I forgot where I put it.
So before I forget what I was saying, I want to talk about the old building.
I liked the old building. I really did. It was my "first" building and I loved everything about it. I liked the simple layout, I liked that the donut room had riser seating, and I liked that the old building was only a 5 minute drive from home (if I caught every green light).
I liked the volunteer room because it had desks arranged in a horseshoe with a podium that made KT seem like a busy MC. I liked seeing how every part of the service came together and I loved how the air seemed to suddenly still in the auditorium each time the countdown started.
I even liked what the auditorium smelled like after it was vacuumed. I really did. Maybe what I liked most about the old building was that the green room was made from black sheets hung from the ceiling.
But with 5000+ people showing up every Sunday and overflowing the overflow, it doesn't take a mathmetician to figure out that Bigger Really Is Better, and the time had come to move on.
So I want to be very careful about saying this ... it's nothing more than my own impression.
Sitting 4 or 5 rows back from the stage tonight before the 6pm, I glanced back behind me and had to look back two more times to make sure I was seeing right ... I was shocked at how small the new auditorium seemed. Even with 2500 seats.
Maybe because the new auditorium was packed.
I feel silly saying this but suddenly I felt sorry for the new auditorium ... because I don't think it's gonna be the new auditorium very long.
I had the feeling as real as if I'd been smacked in the face that the new auditorium is gonna get outgrown faster than anybody on earth can imagine.
Whoever wrote "Hindsight is always 20/20"apparently didn't know about me, because no matter how obvious the reasons my mistakes might seem I still end up squinting, scratching my head and thinking, "Wonder why that happened?"
Am I really that dense? You decide: I'm one of the folks who get credit card offers in the mail and think it's because somebody at the bank likes me. When somebody blows their horn at me in traffic I think it's somebody I know trying to get my attention so they can wave hello.
In other words when it comes to having vision, if I ever had it I forgot where I put it.
So before I forget what I was saying, I want to talk about the old building.
I liked the old building. I really did. It was my "first" building and I loved everything about it. I liked the simple layout, I liked that the donut room had riser seating, and I liked that the old building was only a 5 minute drive from home (if I caught every green light).
I liked the volunteer room because it had desks arranged in a horseshoe with a podium that made KT seem like a busy MC. I liked seeing how every part of the service came together and I loved how the air seemed to suddenly still in the auditorium each time the countdown started.
I even liked what the auditorium smelled like after it was vacuumed. I really did. Maybe what I liked most about the old building was that the green room was made from black sheets hung from the ceiling.
But with 5000+ people showing up every Sunday and overflowing the overflow, it doesn't take a mathmetician to figure out that Bigger Really Is Better, and the time had come to move on.
So I want to be very careful about saying this ... it's nothing more than my own impression.
Sitting 4 or 5 rows back from the stage tonight before the 6pm, I glanced back behind me and had to look back two more times to make sure I was seeing right ... I was shocked at how small the new auditorium seemed. Even with 2500 seats.
Maybe because the new auditorium was packed.
I feel silly saying this but suddenly I felt sorry for the new auditorium ... because I don't think it's gonna be the new auditorium very long.
I had the feeling as real as if I'd been smacked in the face that the new auditorium is gonna get outgrown faster than anybody on earth can imagine.
Name That Tune
Seen the new Pontiac Solstice commercial?
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
The song's called "I Love You" from "The Dandy Warhols Come Down" cd.
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
The song's called "I Love You" from "The Dandy Warhols Come Down" cd.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Notes on the cutting edge of "But I Like It!"
Non-Photographers and Non-Artistic Persons Escape: Feel free to skip this post. It's long, it's gonna make you mad as a hornet and besides, you won't miss or find out a thing. PS. This isn't directed at folks who just enjoy taking pictures and have fun doing it ... it's aimed at "photographers" who daydream about being revolutionary undiscovered geniuses.
Even among hard-core "fine art" photographers Edward Weston's name isn't much mentioned any more.
Weston never received the popular acclaim, much less the financial rewards, Ansel Adams [if you really need a link or a wiki to find out who Ansel Adams was, please immediately dig a hole in your backyard and plant your camera in it] enjoyed during his life, which is a pity, considering that Weston's pioneering contributions helped establish photography as "art," an accomplishment largely responsible for painters like Picasso shifting from realism toward abstraction ... which in turn might be part of the reason so much digital photography is not only dreadfully bad, but artistically unforgiveable.
Between the 1920s and late 1940s Weston struggled with his old camera, literally, to find "the essence behind the thing," often staring at his subjects ... peppers, seashells and onions ... for days at a time without exposing a single negative.
Not until he "felt" the thing behind the image.
Then he'd load his rickety view camera with a wood film holder, expose the negative always always always at f/64 and develop the film by hand in a tray, before finally printing an 8x10" contact print (again by by hand) in an extremely toxic Amidol solution from the original 8x10" negative.
Then Weston began fine-tuning each successive print, until finally arriving at a representation of "the thing" his mind had pictured. Sometimes it took dozens of sheets of papers to get the image "right."
That's hardly the approach photographers embrace today as prétendants seek out the latest, smallest digital cameras packed with the latest technology promising the most mindless, attention-free operation, conveniences which supposedly leave the photographer with nothing more encumbering than pressing the shutter button 30 or 40 times to "inhibit his creativity"... probably the most popular excuse yet for laziness. But digital chips calculating auto-focus and auto-exposure count for nothing more than a digital dispensation for inexperience, immaturity and artistic crudeness.
If you're a photographer, The f-stops Here.
Unless my memory fails me (not unusual), "Two Nautilus Shells" (above) required a 4-hour f/64 exposure. That means Weston could only try once a day to get the image "right" before the light faded, and the sheet film was ruined.
Weston lived in an unheated shack with neither electricity or plumbing, and was known to skip meals to buy the film, chemicals and paper he needed instead.
In his journal Weston describes pushing hunger from his mind as he counted off the hours necessary to expose his last sheet of film, film he'd purchased with his entire weekly food allowance, watching the clock tick slowly past three hours and then crossing his fingers that this negative would be the one ... only to have the vibration from a passing truck cause the shells to topple over, ruining his exposure, leaving him with no film, no money, and no food for the rest of the week.
Bruce Barnbaum recently told me, "Every year more students show up for workshops with digital prints, always excited to tell me how digital photography has made their work so much easier and faster. But none of them tell me how digital photography has made their easier faster pictures better."
John Sexton (who was Ansel Adams's last assistant) told me, "A lot of people want to do the least work they can, and get famous with their cameras." A workprint Sally Mann sent me (her letter was written on the back) again showed me there is no substitute for craft.
Here in The Age of The Cutting Edge, no wonder Weston's diligence and devotion to craft is so easily neglected and dismissed. We don't have time to learn that stuff: THOUGHT-FREE OPERATION helps us hide behind the argument I know what I like because I like it (whether it's any good or not).
The translation is I know what I like when I like it, and don't care about learning anything else.
That's why we see techheads with "shooting vests" and titanium tripods blazing away with the shutter in machinegun mode, crossing their fingers they'll luck-out with an "interesting image." They want to lead the cutting edge, without bothering to learn the first thing about the basic craft of what they're doing.
I see too many photographers today who'd be embarrassed, or even angry, to admit they can't even describe the emotion behind their own work (though they've got the latest gear) ... yet they don't have enough interest or they're too busy to learn the difference between The Zone System and a flash slave.
It shows in their work.
Those are the photographers who're only excited about what's caught their attention for that moment,and once they're done numbing their fingers from squeezing the shutter, they're ready to move on to whatever luck hands them next.
Thanks for your picture, please pull around and have your next image ready at the next window.
Even among hard-core "fine art" photographers Edward Weston's name isn't much mentioned any more.
Weston never received the popular acclaim, much less the financial rewards, Ansel Adams [if you really need a link or a wiki to find out who Ansel Adams was, please immediately dig a hole in your backyard and plant your camera in it] enjoyed during his life, which is a pity, considering that Weston's pioneering contributions helped establish photography as "art," an accomplishment largely responsible for painters like Picasso shifting from realism toward abstraction ... which in turn might be part of the reason so much digital photography is not only dreadfully bad, but artistically unforgiveable.
Between the 1920s and late 1940s Weston struggled with his old camera, literally, to find "the essence behind the thing," often staring at his subjects ... peppers, seashells and onions ... for days at a time without exposing a single negative.
Not until he "felt" the thing behind the image.
Then he'd load his rickety view camera with a wood film holder, expose the negative always always always at f/64 and develop the film by hand in a tray, before finally printing an 8x10" contact print (again by by hand) in an extremely toxic Amidol solution from the original 8x10" negative.
Then Weston began fine-tuning each successive print, until finally arriving at a representation of "the thing" his mind had pictured. Sometimes it took dozens of sheets of papers to get the image "right."
That's hardly the approach photographers embrace today as prétendants seek out the latest, smallest digital cameras packed with the latest technology promising the most mindless, attention-free operation, conveniences which supposedly leave the photographer with nothing more encumbering than pressing the shutter button 30 or 40 times to "inhibit his creativity"... probably the most popular excuse yet for laziness. But digital chips calculating auto-focus and auto-exposure count for nothing more than a digital dispensation for inexperience, immaturity and artistic crudeness.
If you're a photographer, The f-stops Here.
Unless my memory fails me (not unusual), "Two Nautilus Shells" (above) required a 4-hour f/64 exposure. That means Weston could only try once a day to get the image "right" before the light faded, and the sheet film was ruined.
Weston lived in an unheated shack with neither electricity or plumbing, and was known to skip meals to buy the film, chemicals and paper he needed instead.
In his journal Weston describes pushing hunger from his mind as he counted off the hours necessary to expose his last sheet of film, film he'd purchased with his entire weekly food allowance, watching the clock tick slowly past three hours and then crossing his fingers that this negative would be the one ... only to have the vibration from a passing truck cause the shells to topple over, ruining his exposure, leaving him with no film, no money, and no food for the rest of the week.
Bruce Barnbaum recently told me, "Every year more students show up for workshops with digital prints, always excited to tell me how digital photography has made their work so much easier and faster. But none of them tell me how digital photography has made their easier faster pictures better."
John Sexton (who was Ansel Adams's last assistant) told me, "A lot of people want to do the least work they can, and get famous with their cameras." A workprint Sally Mann sent me (her letter was written on the back) again showed me there is no substitute for craft.
Here in The Age of The Cutting Edge, no wonder Weston's diligence and devotion to craft is so easily neglected and dismissed. We don't have time to learn that stuff: THOUGHT-FREE OPERATION helps us hide behind the argument I know what I like because I like it (whether it's any good or not).
The translation is I know what I like when I like it, and don't care about learning anything else.
That's why we see techheads with "shooting vests" and titanium tripods blazing away with the shutter in machinegun mode, crossing their fingers they'll luck-out with an "interesting image." They want to lead the cutting edge, without bothering to learn the first thing about the basic craft of what they're doing.
I see too many photographers today who'd be embarrassed, or even angry, to admit they can't even describe the emotion behind their own work (though they've got the latest gear) ... yet they don't have enough interest or they're too busy to learn the difference between The Zone System and a flash slave.
It shows in their work.
Those are the photographers who're only excited about what's caught their attention for that moment,and once they're done numbing their fingers from squeezing the shutter, they're ready to move on to whatever luck hands them next.
Thanks for your picture, please pull around and have your next image ready at the next window.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Next Week's To-Do List
I'm blocking off next week in its entirety to doing just one single thing from my TO DO list. I've kept putting this one off and putting it off ... until I finally put it off too long.
I'm gonna find out what "Emergent Church" means. Really.
I'm gonna find out what "Emergent Church" means. Really.
Expedition Ready?
A few years back a new buzz word entered America's marketing lexicon: Expedition.
First associated with high-altitude mountaineering gear like down climbing suits, storm-proof geodesic tents and canned-gas camp stoves, Expedition promised extra ruggedness with a task-specific design ... like climbing Mount Everest or exploring uncharted Amazon jungles.
This Nordhavn 47 Trawler features ocean-crossing fuel range, dual navigation systems, satellite phone, AIS ship location system, radar ... even its own watermaking system. When the ad says Expedition Ready I believe it.
Then Expedition started sounding watered-down after being used to advertise wristwatches and flip-flops. So more robust words like Extreme, Technical, and Performance were introduced.
Wasn't long before we saw "technical sweaters," Performance Socks and Extreme jogging shoes ...and without Peformance T-shirts and micro-bacterial wicking underwear we couldn't hope to jazzercise at our best.
I won't even bring up the Expedition SUV, except that several were made with 4-wheel drive.
So what if we end up wearing our hi-tech shorts to the mall and packing Expedition stoves to the lake? At least we feel confident knowing we're ready for whatever Extreme challenges lay ahead. And isn't that what matters most?
Here's what's got me puzzled: seems like no matter what I'm driving or wearing, why is it I don't always feel Expedition Ready on the inside?
First associated with high-altitude mountaineering gear like down climbing suits, storm-proof geodesic tents and canned-gas camp stoves, Expedition promised extra ruggedness with a task-specific design ... like climbing Mount Everest or exploring uncharted Amazon jungles.
This Nordhavn 47 Trawler features ocean-crossing fuel range, dual navigation systems, satellite phone, AIS ship location system, radar ... even its own watermaking system. When the ad says Expedition Ready I believe it.
Then Expedition started sounding watered-down after being used to advertise wristwatches and flip-flops. So more robust words like Extreme, Technical, and Performance were introduced.
Wasn't long before we saw "technical sweaters," Performance Socks and Extreme jogging shoes ...and without Peformance T-shirts and micro-bacterial wicking underwear we couldn't hope to jazzercise at our best.
I won't even bring up the Expedition SUV, except that several were made with 4-wheel drive.
So what if we end up wearing our hi-tech shorts to the mall and packing Expedition stoves to the lake? At least we feel confident knowing we're ready for whatever Extreme challenges lay ahead. And isn't that what matters most?
Here's what's got me puzzled: seems like no matter what I'm driving or wearing, why is it I don't always feel Expedition Ready on the inside?
Me Too DULL for the Cutting Edge
I'm hardly a serious student of cinema, nor have I once been accused of being a connoisseur of fine film-making. Most of the movies I like don't even make sense to me.
Revealed: My Life As A Movie Moron
Here's a few movies lots of folks rave about, but left me shakin' my noggin:
Fight Club (1999)
Being John Malkovich (1999)
O Brother, Where Are Thou? (2000)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Magnolia (1999)
The Usual Suspects (1995)
Sideways (2004)
-generally, anything with characters appearing in masks, fur vests or spandex body suits-
Then there's some I like that leave other folks with migraines:
Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels
Sexy Beast
Snatch
Run Lola Run
Mulholland Drive
Memento
AVCLUB TECH UPDATE
Yesterday I went totally wild, flashed my router, and boosted my xmit power to 135. I'm bold that way, you bet. Still have trouble remembering "righty-tighty lefty-loosey" though.
FRIDAY'S Mix Your Own Playlist:
Are You Looking for Me? - Yoko One
Left Hand Suzuki Method - Gorillaz
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley (only folks who doodle along at 15mph in the left lane with their right-turn signal blinking don't love this song. Let's hope you're not one of them ...:-)
Revealed: My Life As A Movie Moron
Here's a few movies lots of folks rave about, but left me shakin' my noggin:
Fight Club (1999)
Being John Malkovich (1999)
O Brother, Where Are Thou? (2000)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Magnolia (1999)
The Usual Suspects (1995)
Sideways (2004)
-generally, anything with characters appearing in masks, fur vests or spandex body suits-
Then there's some I like that leave other folks with migraines:
Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels
Sexy Beast
Snatch
Run Lola Run
Mulholland Drive
Memento
AVCLUB TECH UPDATE
Yesterday I went totally wild, flashed my router, and boosted my xmit power to 135. I'm bold that way, you bet. Still have trouble remembering "righty-tighty lefty-loosey" though.
FRIDAY'S Mix Your Own Playlist:
Are You Looking for Me? - Yoko One
Left Hand Suzuki Method - Gorillaz
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley (only folks who doodle along at 15mph in the left lane with their right-turn signal blinking don't love this song. Let's hope you're not one of them ...:-)
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Simple How-To About Toe Stuff
A recent post here described some of the problems and dangerous complications you're likely to encounter using conventional clippers to trim toe nails, and asked for alternatives to this somewhat medieval instrument of torture.
Here's what works for me, based on a technique I picked up while suffering from tsetse fly delirium on the swampy, tick-infested shores of Lake ... well, it really doesn't matter where. Suffice it to say I can wear size 5 shoes now (if I want to).
Disclaimer: Don't Scroll Down to Sneak a Peak. Really.
PLEASE Stop. Don't Look .....
Come on, cut it out. You'll be sorr-rry-
Pepperoni added for dramatic effect. These toes are trained professionals: Don't try this at home. No animal toes were harmed during this film.
Here's what works for me, based on a technique I picked up while suffering from tsetse fly delirium on the swampy, tick-infested shores of Lake ... well, it really doesn't matter where. Suffice it to say I can wear size 5 shoes now (if I want to).
Disclaimer: Don't Scroll Down to Sneak a Peak. Really.
PLEASE Stop. Don't Look .....
Come on, cut it out. You'll be sorr-rry-
Pepperoni added for dramatic effect. These toes are trained professionals: Don't try this at home. No animal toes were harmed during this film.
Congratulations ... YOU'RE APPROVED!
Apply Now!
Must be hunting season again ... that time of year when credit card and finance companies take to the field and bait your mailbox with exciting new offers, take aim at your finances and open fire on your future with easy credit.
Trouble is, all the fine print won't fit on the outside of the envelope. The details and loopholes are carefully hidden inside under the bait where, in the excitement of discovering that your signature is worth a $5000 unsecured loan, you're likely to overlook the crosshairs settling on your backside. Meaning, your wallet.
Get your antlers out of the bait ... and don't let them add your personal finances to their trophy collection.
But On the Other Hand ...
When it comes to Salvation it's troubling that so many critics of "new churches with big congregations" embrace exactly the opposite approach, by arguing that applying for forgiveness does not automatically guarantee acceptance.
In other words legalists feel entitled to add their own fine print, and assume a spiritual credit check is required to evaluate your "sincerity score" before your application to The Kingdom can be approved. The legalists imply Grace is like a loan, and if you're approved, must be paid for with works, good deeds, and regular installments of guilt.
And if you (shudder) miss a payment, God's out there waiting to "gitcha" and repossess your Salvation.
Maybe these loan officers of legalism are afraid of seeing their self-righteousness diluted, and feel entitled to appoint themselves the keepers of Heaven's keys to keep out folks who don't meet their minimum requirements (like guys who'd rather wear jeans to church). Some legalists even demand a say-so on who gets to Heaven by re-writing the rules and adding fine print ... like making Salvation dependent upon rituals, dress-codes and organ preludes.
The reason for this sanctimoniousness could be that legalists are more concerned with their traditions and rituals than they are with the idea of getting up from their pews and being turned loose on the world to share Grace and Forgiveness through the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Because it's easier fighting each other in the pews than facing the enemy from the trenches,
Traditionalists might argue they're actually "protecting the Kingdom" by tacking on more fine print like steeples, crosses and stained glass windows to their church exteriors. But that preoccupation with man-made symbols and appearance reveals instead a spiritual stinginess ... and a fear that somebody's self-righteousness is going unnoticed.
So legalists must commit to being very suspicious and finnicky when it comes to deciding who they're willing to allow into Heaven, or else risk getting ignored and lost in the crowd.
That's plain wrong.
Sin was our debt, and no one can deposit enough tradition or legalisms to change our "spiritual credit history" to earn God's approval. God didn't offer a salvation plan with monthly terms, He offered a single, everlasting payment in full through Christ.
Grace is God's gift ... and no amount of legalistic fine print can re-write His promise.
Must be hunting season again ... that time of year when credit card and finance companies take to the field and bait your mailbox with exciting new offers, take aim at your finances and open fire on your future with easy credit.
Trouble is, all the fine print won't fit on the outside of the envelope. The details and loopholes are carefully hidden inside under the bait where, in the excitement of discovering that your signature is worth a $5000 unsecured loan, you're likely to overlook the crosshairs settling on your backside. Meaning, your wallet.
Get your antlers out of the bait ... and don't let them add your personal finances to their trophy collection.
But On the Other Hand ...
When it comes to Salvation it's troubling that so many critics of "new churches with big congregations" embrace exactly the opposite approach, by arguing that applying for forgiveness does not automatically guarantee acceptance.
In other words legalists feel entitled to add their own fine print, and assume a spiritual credit check is required to evaluate your "sincerity score" before your application to The Kingdom can be approved. The legalists imply Grace is like a loan, and if you're approved, must be paid for with works, good deeds, and regular installments of guilt.
And if you (shudder) miss a payment, God's out there waiting to "gitcha" and repossess your Salvation.
Maybe these loan officers of legalism are afraid of seeing their self-righteousness diluted, and feel entitled to appoint themselves the keepers of Heaven's keys to keep out folks who don't meet their minimum requirements (like guys who'd rather wear jeans to church). Some legalists even demand a say-so on who gets to Heaven by re-writing the rules and adding fine print ... like making Salvation dependent upon rituals, dress-codes and organ preludes.
The reason for this sanctimoniousness could be that legalists are more concerned with their traditions and rituals than they are with the idea of getting up from their pews and being turned loose on the world to share Grace and Forgiveness through the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Because it's easier fighting each other in the pews than facing the enemy from the trenches,
Traditionalists might argue they're actually "protecting the Kingdom" by tacking on more fine print like steeples, crosses and stained glass windows to their church exteriors. But that preoccupation with man-made symbols and appearance reveals instead a spiritual stinginess ... and a fear that somebody's self-righteousness is going unnoticed.
So legalists must commit to being very suspicious and finnicky when it comes to deciding who they're willing to allow into Heaven, or else risk getting ignored and lost in the crowd.
That's plain wrong.
Sin was our debt, and no one can deposit enough tradition or legalisms to change our "spiritual credit history" to earn God's approval. God didn't offer a salvation plan with monthly terms, He offered a single, everlasting payment in full through Christ.
Grace is God's gift ... and no amount of legalistic fine print can re-write His promise.
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