Closed for Elections

Woke up at 3:15am this morning (not sure why) resolved to take a day off from The Blue Book.

And though my contract requires five original 250-word-minimum posts per week, it doesn't say anything about copying or liberally "borrowing" from other blogs ... which explains where these quotes came from, without actually telling.

"What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do…?" -Friedrich Nietzsche

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out." -noah calhoun

Sorta wonder about voting, and how the elections will turn out ... and what direction the country will take as a result.

Congressional candidates participating in the November 7, 2006 general election have raised $1.14 billion and spent $965.7 million in the current two-year period, according to a compilation by the Federal Election Commission (FEC) from financial reports through October 18, 2006. This represents an increase of 30% in receipts and 36% in disbursements over the comparable period in 2004.
www.fecinfo.com

US Senator's Salary - $162,100
US Representative's Salary - $162,100

2000 US Median Household Income - $41,994
2000 South Carolina Median Household Income - $37,082
-wikipedia

So whether you're a Democrat or a Republican, Liberal or Conservative, no matter what today's outcome you should take comfort ... knowing we have the best government money can buy.

Pastor Stick-in-the-Mud

I'm not sure what's going on at church. I mean, from what I've been hearing recently I'm starting to think I had it all wrong.

Wasn't this supposed to be the cool new church, the one with the great band, the church where you could show up in jeans and a t-shirt ... and it didn't matter if you had tattoos, piercings and a mohawk?

I mean, I figured the reason everybody was so excited and the church was growing so fast was because it was The Place to hookup with chicks. And where you'd see all your friends you'd been out partying with the night before and laugh about hangovers.

I always wanted to find a church where I could just hang out and chill, without being bothered. And I'd heard lots of people from other churches say this was "the church where anything goes."

Yeah, that sounded awesome.

But NO, that's all wrong ... because lately I've been hearing the pastor say an awful lot about stuff I shouldn't be doing if I love Jesus. Crazy stuff like:

-I can't get drunk or do drugs.
-They say I can't have sex before marriage, even if we're engaged ... which is easy for the preacher to say because he's married. And check this: he teaches it's wrong to unzip or unbutton clothes on a date, even if both the guy and the girl are adults and they both want to. It's unbelievable.
-They believe alternative lifestyles are sinful, and it doesn't matter if a person was born that way.

-I must be accountable for my finances, avoid credit cards and pay my debts ... on time.
-I can't surf for online porn, even though I'm by myself for hours at a time and it isn't hurting anybody else.

-I've gotta sit there during the sermon and listen to viewpoints that don't 100% agree with mine just because Perry thinks his opinions are based on scripture. But my life includes lots of gray areas.

-I can't play the lottery, even though God might want me to win big and give some of the money back to the church.

-I can't tell lies, even when it's necessary to avoid getting in trouble.
-I can't stare at or have sexual fantasies about women, no matter how they're dressed.
-They teach abortion is wrong, even if the girl got pregnant by accident or doesn't want kids.

-I'm not married, but if I was I couldn't flirt with other women ... or have close, meaningful relationships with female friends, not even at work.

-I can only date women who hate sin and love Jesus (I mean, then what's the point?)

-They want me to believe the Bible is literally true, even the parts about Creation and the Resurrection.
-Then they say I should read the Bible, even though it's too old and irrelevant to have anything to do with my life (and I think most of it was probably made up anyway).

-They say Jesus is the only way to salvation, as though there's nothing you can do on your own to get into Heaven ... and I just don't think that's fair.

-They think I should pray even when I don't need anything.
-I'm expected to volunteer (can you believe they've got the nerve? I've got stuff I gotta do on Sundays, and isn't it enough I show up as often as I can?)

-They think I should tithe ... I guess somebody's gotta pay for all the preacher's running shoes.

But wait, you haven't heard anything yet.

The new thing is I can't even buy Playboy just to read the articles anymore, you know what I'm saying. That's just going too far and besides, I'm pretty sure I could find a doctor who'd say it's not even natural. And what I do at home is nobody's business, so butt out.

Where does Perry get all his crazy ideas from, anyway? And who the heck is he to tell me how to live my life? I mean, he doesn't even know me or anything about my issues or what I really need in my life.

I wish I could ask Perry just one question, cause I'd love to hear his answer: How on earth can he expect me to invite my friends to church when I already know they'd be embarrassed and get mad about hearing why their lives are all screwed up? Doesn't he know I care about them way too much to ever do that?

All that talk about Jesus, Jesus and Jesus gets old after a while, ya know?

Does he have any idea how dumb I'd feel telling a stranger what Jesus was doing in my life, as though I had an actual living relationship with a guy who was crucified 2000 years ago? Come on preacher, gimme a break.

That's just expecting too much, because nobody thinks Jesus freaks are cool.

I'm sure Jesus was a good guy back in the day and "following Christ" and "being Godly" may work for some people, and that's cool, but most of us have to find our own way and decide for ourselves which way works best.

And here's a hint: talking about hell and damnation makes people uncomfortable and just isn't cool any more, especially since nobody really believes it.

All I'm saying is, I can't believe Perry actually knows what's going on in the real world and there's no way possible he faces the same challenges and temptations every day that I do, otherwise he wouldn't be a preacher. I think he's out of touch and church people should take the blinders off and start getting real about life in the 21st century.

If he quit talking so much about Jesus and the Bible and stuff, then maybe I'd consider going back. Especially if there were lots of hot chicks who don't pay attention to the message and liked doing the same stuff I do. That's what I expect from my church.


--- ok, for those of you who may've landed here by "accident" for the first time and not already guessed, That Was A Parody, a satire of things I've heard people say about church, and not at all what I believe. In fact, it's the opposite.

One other little thing: I'm not on the church staff so any viewpoints or interpretations presented here are entirely my own ... as are any errors, omissions or misstatements.

Is it really

Can it possibly already be Monday?

Aaah well, one more spin around the room and we'll call it a day ...

"The point beyond which something will happen" - Single Gun Theory

No Echo

Tonight's 6 was kinda somber. I mean, very somber. Download the mp3 tomorrow and take a listen for yourself ... but it's the crowd's mood and reaction I'm talking about.

I got the feeling during the message a toolbox full of tractor wrenches could've suddenly dropped onto the stage and only a muffled patter would've reached the back of the auditorium. As though the words P used to describe affairs, boredom and temptations clung to the ears of the folks who already had some familiarity with those scenarios, and wouldn't let go.

Fantastic Frashley Fright Night - upgraded

Hmmmm. I dunno what's scarier ... on patrol with AF chasing ghostly orange lights across Anderson County all night and running away screaming at the sound of crunching twigs in the woods, or realizing that Justin Timberlake CD's not too bad.

Well, of course I mean it's bad. But it's baaaad ... while being not bad.

I guess.

Notes from The Cue Book .... Wanderings of A Poet Wearing Four Metal Shoes

Hay you.

Here's a short list of things you didn't know about me.

1. I'm allergic to saddles (hint hint)
2. Mares treat me like I'm invisible ... and it's not even my fault
3. I like burping, except I can't do it
4. Nobody ever asks if I have a favorite set of shoes
5. I can count to four, but can't dial a telephone
6. Prancing makes me look like a sissy
7. Using the wrong bit makes my breath smell like onions
8. I keep confusing "Yo" with "Whoa"
9. I can laugh out loud ... but only when I want to
10. I can project my whims and whinnies into the minds of simpletons and dim-wits

Whoa, Boy! Another Dull Saturday Night in the Stall Haylist:

Ride on Pony - Free
Midnight Rider - The Allman Brothers
I Go to the Barn Because I Like It - Band of Horses

---papa horseback

Anderson County's Best New Pickup Line -updated

-So, which service do you go to?

(Sure beats "Come here often?")

Telepathic Trigger

"Yes, Master ...?"

All Day with Mike ... sorta

I've mentioned Mike, the Asphalt Mariner, in previous posts.

This morning on the way back from my monthly medical sorty to Westminster [not West-min-is-ter] I swung through the marina, and spotted Mike's truck.

4.5 hours later I was on the way back home filled with new wisdom and a fresh optimism that boats don't intentionally short circuit, start leaking or run aground on purpose.

Mike told me about a client with a huge houseboat showing an electrical problem he'd been trying to diagnose for four weeks. This morning Mike told he'd finally found the problem: an over-crimped ring connector in an electrical bus that made the engine quit when the sun wasn't shining just right.

Or if a bird landed on the rear deck.

So that tiny 75-cent part probably ended up costing the unsuspecting boat owner a small fortune in repair charges.

Sometimes it takes undistracted attention, quiet devotion ... and a patient, gentle touch to find and figure out what's wrong and fix the problem ... before it catches fire and sinks the boat with all hands onboard.

In some ways boats are a lot like women.

Mike's also a patient listener ... at least until you've stopped talking. Then he'll look away, squint and tilt his head.

"Now, a minute ago I heard you say ..." Mike starts, meaning he's caught something you overlooked, an impression of the current problem that made sense to you as you said it, but it's a red light to him that your thinking's gone askew and that you've either ignored or overlooked the obvious.

Mike lets you finish describing how you'd fix things, then shrugs. "I wouldn't give her the time of day."

He's found the new boat's short circuit ... and you feel foolish trying to keep explaining your impression that it must be something else.

Time Out

Maybe tomorrow morning I'll call Joel and see about having speakers installed inside the refrigerator.

Till then, we persevere and do the best we can.

Thursday Night "My Eyes Are Notorious Liars" Playlist:
My Eyes Have Seen You - The Doors
To Love Somebody - Janis Joplin
Noah's Dove - 10,000 Maniacs
Right Here Right Now - Jesus Jones

Motivation - updated

Aw, man ... gee.

Didn't know this when I woke up, but with any luck I'm getting married. Today. Sometime within the next two hours. And hopefully I won't even have to wait that long.

I'm not exactly sure who or how that's gonna work out, but it's probably easier than arguing and a better solution than changing churches.

Gee, whiz.

Guess I won't be taking showers with Ben's new hot water heater for a while, either.

Talk about blistering, angry phone calls and an assortment of amused e-mails ... and I haven't even heard from any men yet.

"You imbecile! Do you ever do any thinking for yourself, or do you believe everything you read on the web? I guess if so-and-so told you to jump off the new building you'd run over there and do that, too?"

Uh, until so-and-so steers me wrong or away from scripture, then I guess your answer would be yes.

This is Hot

Big kid that I am on the inside, it's the little stuff that gets me most excited.

Like running hot water that finally works ... for less than 13 bucks.

Somewhere I heard ...

Remember the story from the Bible when the adulteress is caught in the act, brought before Christ and the Pharisees try to trap Jesus by asking him if they should stone her to death for her sins?

According to scripture, Jesus starts writing in the sand ... but we're never told exactly what he's writing. Yet one by one, (starting with the oldest; hmmmm) the Pharisees all suddenly remembered they had something else that urgently needed taking care of on their To-Do list and quietly wandered away.

Somewhere I heard somebody say it's only speculation, but they thought maybe what Jesus was writing in the sand was a list of the Pharisees' sins ... right there in the open ... for all the world to see.

As though the Pharisees thought they could ultimately hide their sins from God.

OK wow, that's big.

Like BIG in a God-only kinda way.

Alone with the woman, "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

Still some skeptics argue that Christ was a fabrication created either by folklore and legend, or by a committee of scribes working in the bowels of the Vatican under the Pope's direction.

Shoot, from my experience church committees can't even agree on whether the pastor should get a housing allowance that's adjusted for inflation.

Somehow I can't accept that the perfect concepts of Forgiveness , Grace, Resurrection and Eternal Life evolved alongside our ancestors up there swinging between the tree limbs.

Midori

Girl brings it, that's all.




Okay, I know I misunderestimated the exposure in the bottom two photos by almost half a stop. But that's ok ... I had fun anyway and can't wait till next time.

All New Names - UPDATED

Thanks to FF for passing along this list of your Alternative Names:

1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current street name)
Moe McDuffie (wasn't he involved with Santo Trafficante's Gang back in the old days?)

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fav icecream flavour, favorite cookie)
Butter Macadamia (with a name like that, you know I'm Super-Baaaad)

3. YOUR "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
J-Hal

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Green Dolphin (Okay Dano, book 'em and let's go for a swim)

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Dale Tampa (eeeeeww ... Charlotte, there's something I must tell you about Humphrey)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of mom's maiden name, first three letters of your hometown)
HalJoMiAnd (sounds like a greeting you'd hear from a drunk wookie)

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink put "The")
Blue The Red Bull (what?! I feel so weak and vulnerable without a cape, leotard and bold shape-complimenting tights)

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Charlie Joe (listen here ... I own the turns. And whether you come out facing forwards or backwards makes no difference to me. Try it and find out for your own durn self, junior.)

9. EXOTIC PERSONA NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne)
Eternity (go figure)

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother & father's middle name )
Wilbur Janet (that's just grrrrreat)

I hate stuff like this ... kissing, etc. - UPDATED

Are you a good kisser?

I found this poll, and .... well, you figure out the rest.

1. Your most memorable kiss:
* Was sweet, sensual, and totally comfortable
* Was hot and unbridled
* Was the wild beginning to an even wilder night
* Was totally unplanned and spontaneous
* It's so hard to choose from them all
* Was totally romantic and the start of a great love
* Was long, deep, and sent you to the moon

Actually, I wonder if dogs count. Cause I only remember Jambo.


2. If you know a person well, the kiss tends to be:
* Good, if you do things to keep the spark alive
* A little less hot, unless things are rocky between the two of you
* Boring, unless they shock you in some way
* Much, much better
* Great - sometimes you have to find a way to kiss well together
* Pure bliss
* Not as exciting as kissing a stranger

Through a screen door.

3. Where do you like to put your hands during a kiss?
* All over the person's head and neck
* Up the shirt or down the pants just a tad for a tease
* On another person who's fooling around with you two
* Around your sweetie's waist
* In the naughtiest of places
* You prefer a tight embrace while kissing
* They wander to fit the mood

Uh, you're kidding ... right?

4. Your dream kiss leads to:
* A couple more short kisses
* Tons of making out and maybe more...
* More incredible kisses
* Nothing that you could put in print!
* A ton of flirting and a bit of mystery
* Kissing a couple other people
* "I love you"

Dehydration.

5. What kind of kiss is a total turn off for you?
* A kiss that comes from the same old person
* A kiss that uses too much tongue or saliva
* A kiss too soon
* A kiss that doesn't lead anywhere fun
* A kiss that's expected
* A kiss with someone you would never love
* A kiss when there's no chemistry between you and the person

Anything involving teeth.

6. You usually kiss someone new:
* Right away, if you're attracted
* After you've flirted and touched a bit
* After you know them a bit
* As soon as you think you can
* Once you think they would enjoy it too
* After a couple dates, if feelings develop
* When the moment is right

With feet pointed toward the door.

7. A good kisser:
* Is not posessive with their kiss
* Has good technique
* Is considerate
* Is wild and experimental
* Is also a good flirt
* Sets the mood
* Is naturally sexy

Is hard to find.

Kiki Gets A Bath - Nov 2, 2000
Baby, you were fast, wild and totally fearless. And that's everything I like in a Lion Hound.

You already know Tom at Adrenaline. He wisely followed my lead several years back, bought a Ridgeback and became a huge fan. He e-mailed this photo of his new puppy (on the right) just a few minutes ago.



Yes, my heart is broken. I miss my guys.

Miss something?

Did ya tune in to the MotoGP World Championships this afternoon and see Valentino Rossi fall at 80+ mph in the middle of a curve ... and lose any chance of winning a second straight championship title?

Doesn't matter, 'cause you can tune in to SpeedTV through the week and watch the replay. So let's move on to something really stunning.

When I was a kid I asked my parents once why God didn't speak to people or do miracles like He used to in the Bible. The answer they told me was, "Because so many people today are so evil."

I've seen four miracles in the past two weeks. No hyperbole, I mean real miracles. Three had to do with me personally so the details aren't important; trust me, they happened. But I saw the fourth miracle tonight at the 6 PM.

I got accused once of being "married to New Spring," and it wasn't meant as a compliment. I'm not on the church staff, I'm not trying to get hired or make friends with the church staff ... and I don't know P personally at all.

So it's just me talking here, standing on my own two feet.

But when P talked tonight about the addiction he'd put behind him in 1999, which not coincidentally was the same year New Spring started, it occured to me we were seeing an on-going, living miracle. I can't remember the exact quote but before God could get busy putting the man to work, the man had to set sinful distractions aside.

Seven years later we're still seeing the results of P's decision and committment as the gospel is being spread throughout the upstate in a staggering way ... and eight thousand people is just the beginning.

Not that numbers matter, except that every number represents a living soul.

People's lives are being changed ... despite what the critics say.

Are there things I don't like about my church? Sure, there's things that drive me up the wall. Like getting handed a pen that's out of ink ... which keeps me from scribbling in the blanks on my outline (in fact, I'm so angry I think I'll fire off a text message threatening to withold my tithe unless something's done pronto, just as soon as I get around to it).

Like I said, I don't know P and have to trust he was what he said he was before Christ powerwashed his soul ... but I've seen what the Holy Spirit has done through him.

So forgive me if it sounds like I'm bragging when I blog about church, the awesome staff or the hundreds of volunteers that make the whole thing happen every Sunday, or when I describe P as the most effective communicator, anywhere. But I've seen the big TV names ... maybe it's just that P makes the gospel come alive to me in a way I never thought possible. I'm only sharing my reaction.

Not bragging, not cheap praise, not deifying. Just telling you how I see proof of what the Holy Spirit can accomplish when a man is willing to set himself and his desires aside, and starts living his life with the throttle down, running his race all-out for Christ on every lap.

When I write about my church I'm trying to share just a hint of the excitement that's come into my life ... as a result of P putting himself aside and putting Christ first way back in 1999.

If I invited you to share a winning lottery ticket you'd probably be on your way over before I put the phone down. And if I invite you to go with me to share a gift that's infinitely more rewarding and seem frustrated that you don't or can't share my enthusiasm, then let me say thanks in advance for not getting mad or calling me a fanatic.

Maybe you're not in that place yet. But you will be.

I hope you'll be patient anyway, because I'm gonna ask you again ... and keep asking ... the same way ORP had to keep asking me before my hard-headedness softened up enough so I could start listening ... and started seeing a few real-life miracles at work, too.

You gotta let me know

I missed both the 9:15 and the 11:15 this morning after waking up feeling wretched, which leaves only the stompin' 6.

Siempre - coqetiando y enganyando

I wanna go ... then I start thinking I'm probably contagious. It's a minor dilema.

Well if you see me don't come near ... just walk on by.

Perplexing Don't Miss the 6 Playlist
Should I Stay or Should I Go - Clash

Bad habits I picked up at church

Yup, I bolted awake again this morning at 3:42 AM.

I previously described that this routine is a leftover from the old days, when arriving at 6 AM sharp on Sunday mornings to avoid Jake's wrath was essential.

But Daylight Saving Time meant the actual time this morning was 2:42 AM ... with the first service still 6 hrs 15 mins away. I need to cut that out, no kidding.

Other Bad Habits from Church

Peanut Butter Pie - I never ate desserts until I became a member you-know-where. Now I can hardly leave the house without a tacklebox full of chocolate bars ... which I'd quit eating since the fifth grade.

Tar-black Coffee - Used to be you could read the newspaper through the coffee I brewed ... but now my joe's gotta stick to the wall before it's drinkable. And I don't mind the sensation of centipedes nesting in my scalp anymore. Really. Thank Ken for this one.

Ice Cream - I hated it. Literally thought it was disgusting and a vice. Now guess what's stocked-up in the freezer?

Clemson Football - actually went to one game. Had a good time. The Tiger fans were great. Now I understand what all the excitement's about.

I look forward to being around friends from church. Whoa.
Better read that through twice. Wow, it's true.

(I'm saving this joke for the first person from New Spring I see when I get to Heaven: "Wow, I haven't seen you for an eternity!")

-----------------
Don't forget the MotoGP World Championship will be decided this afternoon at 3:30 on speed.tv from Valencia, Spain.

Things look grim for "The Kentucky Kid" Nicky Hayden (somehow this "Aw shucks, we's just racin" guy makes girls drool) ... but rival Valentino Rossi has already proved he has more fear of losing than he does of going face-first over the handlebars.


If you've never seen motorcycles drag their footpegs at 200mph over a road course, this will be the race to watch. Promise.

Sour Throat

I'm not posting, except to say there's nothing to say.

I'm not posting, except to say hello.

[ok, I can't talk with this new whatever headache/ache bug ... my thinking is fuzzy so I shouldn't blog either. Even The Playlist is spinning off-speed, and must be tightly squeezed for proper results.]

And I won't even discuss the mischief AF and FF happened upon last night, I simply won't.

Be In Before Daylight Saving Time Like, Eeeeeew It's So 60s Playlist

Get Ready - Rare Earth
Simple Sister - Procol Harem
Time of the Season - Zombies
Mony Mony - Tommy James & The Shondells
Gloria - Them/Shadows of Knight
Crazy - Patsy Cline
Papa's Got A Brand New Bag - James Brown