Sunday, January 11, 2009

Macs n' Mormons

-computer humor

Regular readers might suspect I'm no Mac fan, but that's a gross under-misrepresentation: Put simply, my position is that the world would be a better place if the globe was 100% Apple-free.

Why?  Largely because of the transformation that occurs once folks become a Mac-owners. 

Mac-ness is all about attaining True Believer Status in the one true Apple cult.  Owning a Mac actually means being owned by Mac, and devoting one's entire life to participating in and achieving the complete Mac image.

Now that I think about it, being owned by a Mac is like belonging to a cult ... a lot like, well, like what we see here:


TopicAppleLDS/Mormon
U.S. Marketshare:6.1% (IDC)2-3% (Mormon.org/US Census)
Large Installed Base:22 million (est.)13 million members
Growing Membership37% growth y/yCited as 2nd-fastest growing religion in the U.S.
Worldwide Translation18 Mac OS X LanguagesChurch materials in 178 languages
Focus on ConversionGet A Mac Campaign50,000 active missionaries
Monotheistic CultureSteve JobsJesus Christ
Corporate FaceSteve JobsGordon B. Hinckley
Extended LeadershipBoard of DirectorsThe 12 Apostles
Retail LocationsMore than 200 Apple storesMore than 120 LDS temples
Annual Meetings2 (MWSF & WWDC)2 (Semi-Annual General Conference)
Second ComingSteve Jobs (1997)Jesus Christ (still waiting)
Some Think It's a CultWired: Cult of MacMormoncult.org
Vocal DetractorsMicrosoft, LinuxSouthern Baptists, Evangelicals, Fundamentalist Christians
Standard UniformBlack Turtleneck, Blue JeansWhite Shirt and Tie
The Color WhiteMac Books, iPods, etc.White Shirts, Temples, etc.
Music SourcesiTunesMormon Tabernacle Choir
Youthful ActorsJustin LongJon Heder
Presidential CandidatesSteve Jobs (unofficial)Mitt Romney (not church-endorsed)
Large Cash Reserves$15.4 billion$30+ billion (estimated)
Controversial HistoryThe Newton, Apple III, LicensingPolygamy, Priesthood, Martyrdom
Stance on CloningAgainstNo position on stem-cell research
Stance on TithingOne new OS X Release a Year ($129)Members pledge 10% of income
Ongoing RevelationNext Macworld!General Conference, Doctrine & Covenants
Common MisconceptionsNo Microsoft Office, Lacks Software, Not Good for BusinessPlural Marriage, Not Christian, Book of Mormon Used Instead of the Bible
Actual Reality15 Reasons You'll Love a MacThe Articles of Faith


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