Confessions Of A Boat Bum

6:30 AM

S dropped by the marina Friday night for a hastily-arranged discussion about the Blogosphere, and was adventurous enough to take a whirlwind tour of Calypso.

An encounter with dock spiders along the way (spiders must be attracted to water; they leave webs everywhere; even between boats) foretold that things would go badly indeed. Her first impression was quite vivid as she glanced down the slip and got her first glimpse of my sweet Calypso:

“It’s so small!"

Yikes. I protested No, no that’s not the case at all … it just looks small from the outside. There’s a TV with surround sound, lots of windows and a galley (kitchen) with electric appliances. And two 220hp Crusader engines! But S wasn’t having any, none of it, and underscored the rest of the tour with an unhappy series of winces and head-shakes, which she summed up succinctly upon disembarking:

“I could never live on a boat.”

For about an hour after she left I looked around Calypso and wondered if S thought I was crazy, moving from an over-large house to fiberglass accommodations not much larger than a phone booth. Was she right?

Then the awful truth coalesced into a crushing blow.

S didn’t think I was crazy. No, she felt sorry for me … which caused me to simultaneously realize I’ve become an incorrigible, no-good-sense bona fide boat bum.

A Boat’s Not So Bad, Not Really. (I think)

Sure it’s smaller than a house, but that means there’s less to straighten and clean up. There’s less room to fill to overflowing with furnishings, accessories, keepsakes and unnecessary clothes … and less room to lose stuff (like car keys and the TV remote).

My point is that boats can go places your house can’t, and there’s more room on the water than inside anybody’s house.

There’s no privacy at a marina. Yep, there’s dozens of other boats tied here at the dock but during the week there’s no one else around, so I’ve practically got the whole place to myself. And on weekends, it turns out Calypso’s engines are louder (and go faster) than anybody’s stereo.

Stuff breaks a lot on boats. It does around a house, too.

Boats are expensive to maintain. Not compared to keeping up a house and a car or two. And my utilities aren’t ever more than $50 a month … typically less than half that.

Boats bob up and down all the time. But I like that part.

A boat can leak, sink, capsize or break apart during a storm … you’ve told us so. I think everything tastes better with Frito’s Scoops and bleu cheese crumbles.

OK, Stop Polishing The Apples And Tell Us All The Bad Parts

There’s just three little things.

Doing laundry is the absolute worst. It’s too expensive and takes too much time using laundromats Shoot, even Ben and The Kid have room for a combo washer/dryer … but Calypso’s Mediterranean aesthetic dismisses such practicalities as disagreeable and unfashionable. And I know better than to argue with an attractive woman … especially when we’ve been getting along so splendidly otherwise.

Need some ice? From a dorm-size fridge? Forget about it. In fact, I’m no longer sure what ice cubes are good for, anyway.

Finally, my last gripe is that it’s almost a 40-mile roundtrip drive to church from the marina (my perspective is it’d be a lot easier to move the auditorium closer to the marina than it would be to move the lake, but that’s just my own selfishness). Besides, the journey is always worth it.

You know what? She’s right; I could never live on a boat, either

Well, I’m open-minded and flexible enough to realize that if I ever put on the ring (especially if kids ever came into the picture) then I’d have to give in, and acknowledge Richard Dreyfuss’s famous line from Jaws:

“We’re gonna need a bigger boat!”

Whether you live in a boat, a house overlooking the country club and the 18^th fairway, an apartment close to campus, a mud hut without plumbing or running water, the penthouse in Trump Tower featuring breathtaking twilight views of Manhattan or in a mobile home under a deer stand, today’s situation is only temporary, after all.

wiped out

The 6-day tomorrow starts a new work week playlist:

Maria Maria - Santana
Those Shoes - Eagles

Love Me Some Legalism! (updated)

I’m ready for a simpler life, there’s no doubt about it. Sometimes I get frustrated and bored (or even worse, a headache) from prayer, reading scripture and trying to live like Christ intended. When I need answers right away, what I need is a shortcut to get me there.

And I think I found it in Traditionalism and Legalism.

Legalism has its own map and guidebook to Heaven (though it nudges Christ aside in favor of following man-made rituals and traditions instead of him). Shoot, Traditionalism is so easy, it even turns the angst or “What should I wear to church today?” into a no-brainer.

Legalism bull-dozes its way through vast territories of scripture, grading and leveling the gospel along the way to arrive at the destination of its own choosing … with the optimistic (if stern) promise of steering the believer’s life onto a level, straight and narrow road.

Legalism is Self-Empowering, and gives me a role in my securing my eternity, by promising all ya gotta do is Follow the Rules. Don’t wear this, don’t listen to that … transforming Salvation from a gift to a lease-as-you go contract with God.

Legalism squeezes the Holy Spirit into a jar, preserved on the pastor’s a shelf like a lab specimen, and reduceS God’s living word to limits, platitudes and stained glass window-dressing.

Legalism uses guilt, anxiety and doubt to inspire believers to roll up their sleeves, start sweating and get busy finding new rules, the more rules the better, to help God out fine-tuning the details … and thus prove our merit and worthiness and assure ourselves of salvation..

If following so many legalistic rules is hard, Traditionalism is there with comforts like soothing hymns and “whosoever shalt wither ye also” translations, not so much to separate believers from the world, but to assure believers that they’re chosen, self-righteous and holy … superior to sinners and more loved by God than anyone else … and strictness, piety and indignation at the world around them is just icing on their heavenly cake.

Legalism’s appeal is its promise to make our walk with Christ simple and easy. All we gotta do is do things the same way they’ve been done for 300 years and avoid change like it’s a leper (just don’t ask what traditional church services were like before that, because there’s not a deacon emeritus who remembers) ... and look down our noses at anybody who doesn’t believe exactly the same as we do.

Legalism assumes it has all the answers, all the time … but overlooks the only question that matters to believers:

So what’s Christ been doing in your life?

HELP! I Can't Get It Started!

7:44 AM

Chicken Cove
N 34 31.1541
W 082 40.162

Knowing V-drives, wiring harnesses and bilge pumps inside-out ain’t always enough. Sometimes you gotta know a little bit about people, too.

Here’s a hypothetical: an overwrought owner calls at 6:59 AM on a Friday morning, frantic because “I got friends coming for a ride this weekend, and can’t get my boat started!”

He explains that the last time he used the boat everything worked perfectly, but now he’s got no idea what’s gone wrong. What coulda happened? The only thing he knows for sure is that he promised his friend a boat ride, and they’ll be arriving at 5:30 sharp.

“It’s gotta be something minor,” he sobs. “It’s always worked fine before.”

You’d think the bank was coming to foreclose on his house, seize his car and sell his children to a Third World work farm … and that his wife would divorce him as a result.

“Please … can you help me out?”

We’re already overloaded and running almost two months behind, but it’s hard to ignore such desperation and urgency (even though every other owner wants his boat ready in time for the weekend, too) … so we swing by to take have a look at the problem.

Four hours later we know why the boat wouldn’t start, though we coulda guessed what happened 3 hours and 59 minutes earlier. Either,

(a) the owner had decided to do a little “work” and make a few “improvements” himself, and then overlooked mentioning anything about it

Like we'd think the fire hazard of wire bundles running to his new plasma TV was factory installed … or not notice the owner had installed a plumbing valve designed for mobile homes (which is likely to stick open, and create a situation we’ll call “logging some bottom time”) to save a few bucks when installing his own toilet.

(b) Deferred maintenance: the owner is focused on having fun with his boat on weekends and expects it to be ready to go & run perfectly every time … but neglects the manufacturer’s warnings and refuses to put any effort into maintenance. Not even to re-charge the batteries, much less check for fire hazards and leaks.

Oh, owners like that will never bother with changing the oil or tuning the engine because maintenance costs … but then ends up frustrated and angry at the manufacturer when something breaks, things don't go just his way, and leaves him stranded or adrift.

At the risk of sounding like a boat legalist, here’s two simple suggestions to make your life simpler and more enjoyable:

(a) You aren’t smarter than the manufacturer: he knew more about what he was doing than you ever will … and didn’t happen to create your boat by accident. So don’t try to second guess or fine-tune his design, modify his plan or make “improvements” for your own amusement or enjoyment. Consult the standards guide frequently to learn what’s approved, and what is not.

(b) Read the Owner’s Manual as often as you can, even if the words seem outdated or irrelevant, to avoid breakdowns and unpleasant, unnecessary repairs in the future … as well as how to avoid unsafe practices or dangerous maneuvers.

. Forget all about deferring maintenance, even when services seem inconvenient or interfere with your boating weekends.

“It’s Saturday So I’m Turning Off My Phone, and Your’re On Your Own Till Monday (I Wish)” Playlist:

Holy is the Lord
He Calls Me Friend
Amazing Love
Bring the Rain

Friday Nite and all's swell

Just for Friday Fun Playlist:

Rock n' Roll, Hootchie Koo - Rick Derringer

The Papa Strikes Back!

Somehow my likeness started showing up at the Post Office.

Only figures, somehow.

(Thanks Ken!)

Due to technical problems

Hard to find internet connec

And tomorrow they'll be ... (updated)

2000 years ago it took a certain kind of man to be a gladiator, voluntarily walking into the Coliseum for battle.

A thousand years later the same kind of men were knights in white armor on white horses, slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress.

A hundred years ago those men were gunslingers, riding into town expecting a showdown.

What about today?

Today those men are still around ... they're called Marine Technicians.

Tomorrow they'll be called Preachers.




"Grace is the basis of growth." - Tony Evans

How many drivers does a buggy have?

Fran you made my day ... and there's just one.

I’m Sinking A Little Bit: Staying Afloat 101

6:46 AM

Today is day 2 of the 5^th week I’ve been working with Mike as a Marine Technician’s Assistant (yesterday I got a promotion from Helper).

Over the past month I’ve learned lots about marine repair …from trailering, fiberglassing, painting and plumbing to wiring and engine overhauling.

I’ve had the opportunity to see and crawl around inside lots of boats: an entire gantlet running from half-million dollar castle-boats with spotless interiors, $100,000 digital control stations and surgically-clean engine rooms on down to sad un-maintained vessels littered with trash, crippled by seized engines and rusted transmissions, that should’ve been recycled into tuna cans decades ago.

Some of the boats I’ve seen are weekend getaway cabins, places married couples enjoy visiting on weekends. Others are “bachelor pads” outfitted to impress the impressionable and then there’s a few that must be owned by ghosts … because no one’s seen the owners in years.

If the boats come in as many flavors and variations as opinions about what color to paint the church bathrooms, there’s one thing the owners share in common: severe anxiety and teeth-gnashing sets in at the mere mention of the word Leak.

Any leak, no matter what size, can cause an owner living two time zones away to catch the first jet outta town and make a panicked personal appearance at the marina. Because leaks make boats sink … and except for submarines nobody ever designed a boat to intentionally sink.

Leaks cause water to seep in, accumulate and cause damage in places you can’t see until it’s too late. Leaks can saturate a hull’s core and cause it to weaken and fail. Leaks can affect critical structural elements like ribs and keels, creating damage two or three times more than the boat’s worth to repair.

An undetected leak can cause a boat to pull apart and sink while underway, with little or no advance warning. Sinking results in a catastrophic financial loss, without even considering salvage costs … or mentioning the immediate threat to spouses, friends or family onboard at the time.

Starting with a leak no larger than the period at the end of this sentence.

Leaks are universally inarguably accepted in the boating world to be a Bad Thing: There’s more water out there than you have boat to hold it and still stay afloat.

But My Boat Only Leaks On Weekends … doesn’t it?

You never hear an owner dismiss a leak with “It’s no big deal” or “So who’s it hurting?”

No one ever says “Everybody else’s boat is leaking,” “What I do with my leak is my business,” “I grew up hearing about leaks every weekend, but now I figure a little leaking is OK” or “A leak is just your opinion.”

And never “Somebody made up sinking a long time ago to scare kids, and I don’t think sinking actually exists.”

Like you’ll never hear anyone shrug “I’m a little bit pregnant,” “I’m a little bit bankrupt” or “I’m a little bit in prison.” Nor does anyone ever tell their doctor “I don’t think dying from a terminally disease will be that bad.”

It’s OK So Long As Nobody Sees I’m Leaking

But a little sinning? What’s a little rot eating away at the spiritual core? Who’s getting hurt by some weakening of the critical structure? We’re more likely to say “I can handle my own leaks” or “I’ll fix my leaks when I’m ready” than “I need to stop this right away!”

The smallest hairline leak is insidious and will eventually compromise and threaten the structure’s integrity. The tiniest hole, left to itself, can swell by weakening everything it touches … including steel. Ignored long enough, a pinhole leak can create staggering unseen damage … and make a vessel useless for its intended purpose.

If an owner’s got a laundry list of repairs he’d like scheduled, you can be sure I Think There’s A Leak is in bold letters at the top of the page.

Man Overboard?

7:54AM

N34 31.482

W 082 47.732

SC law requires any person operating a boat to have an approved life jacket available for each person on board. Kids on boats under a certain age are required to wear their life jacket life jackets at all times, but adults have an option.

Whether or not they wear one is strictly their choice.

Only makes sense that I’m wearing mine right now, anchored out while I’m buried behind the laptop with this morning’s playlist knocking nearby geese down from the sky, right?

Sorry then, but I have failed you. And I failed you last night when I cruised out here.

You hardly ever see adults wearing life jackets. Plenty of boat dudes strut up and down the docks in this year’s most fashionable $200 deck shoes … but something about wearing a life jacket seems to scream, “I’m scared of the water!” or “I can’t take care of myself!” .

As though wearing a life jacket is like having training wheels on your boat … when what we really want is to let others know We’re strong and capable men who don’t mind living dangerously out there on the edge. Hardly anybody wears one, and I don’t wanna look like a Boat Weenie in a life jacket.

(On the other hand, if I had a life jacket emblazoned with logos announcing Mr. Undefeated Blue Water Big Guy World Champion Boat Master then shoot, I’d probably wear it still it stuck to my skin.)

After all nobody ever slips, hits their head and then falls over the side. Right? And if I ever did get into rough water or thought something might happen, I’d know it far enough in advance to have plenty of time to put my jacket on first.

You and I already know that Bad Stuff only happens to the other guy.

Sure, I’ve run aground once or twice, run out of gas, gotten lost, run batteries dead, hit sand bars, destroyed outdrives by running into submerged trees, burned up engines and spent many a night adrift waiting to be rescued … but that’s a lot different from actually falling overboard.

I'm not an idiot. Not like the other guy.

Though one night I came close, climbing down from Ben’s flybridge at night while underway at about 25 mph. I misjudged one rung on the ladder and slipped into midair … but had my hands to help regain my balance. No big deal.

For an hour or two afterwards I imagined what it must be like taking a plunge overboard at night in the middle of winter, bobbing to the surface and seeing your boat happily cruising toward the horizon. With your life jacket onboard. That would be dismaying and severely interfere with my plans for the evening.

Not many options left at that point, beyond counting stars. Apologizing to the fish for your stupidity won’t usher lots of sympathy or assistance. Talk about having an If Only moment. Talk about feeling like a Boat Weenie, fer sure.

Saw a story on the news yesterday about three men who disappeared from their yacht off the coast of Australia.

I gotta assume all three, being experienced offshore sailors, were wearing life jackets. But it’s unclear whether any of them were secured to the boat with a safety line while on deck …. which they should’ve been. Rescuers found all the mechanical and electrical systems working normally. Dinner plates were even set on the table.

A spokesman said we’ll likely never know exactly what happened, except it’s probable all three were washed overboard.

Maybe by a wave they didn’t see coming in time.

Traditional Legalistic P&W songs?

Occurred to me this afternoon one reason why strict, legalistic traditionalist churches don't include any songs written much after 1799 in their services: because none praising or worshiping the same things they do have been written.

Can you imagine what the titles of strict legalistic traditionalist praise-n-worship songs might be like:

“Amazing Rules”

“Sing to the Stained Glass Windows”

“How Great Is Our Steeple”

“Your Faith’s Not Enough”

“For Am I Crucified in My Sunday Suit”

"Word of Deacons Speak"

"The Committee Reigns"

No wonder why none exist!

What's up dock?

3:23 AM

What am I doing up so early?

Blogging, obviously.

But this time wasn’t my choice. About an hour ago a party somewhere down the dock got going real good, and now Marshall Tucker is roaring at a party off my starboard and Led Zepplin is keeping pace at another party on the port.

Pretty much sums up what weekends are like on the dock where I live.

The idea of joining in the fun by cranking up about 300 watts of The Noise We Make at the crack of dawn started me giggling so hard, chances are I’ll never fall back to sleep now.

Add ear plugs to Monday’s grocery list, check.

Invite more people to church, check check.

10:10 am Post Script

Already much discussion about last night's events from those affected. Yuk, I need more sleep than I got.

Calypso Gets A Drink At The Gas Dock

Donning the Marital Diaper

8:11 AM

N 34 29.600

W 082 49.206

Can you remember when you were an infant? Walking was struggle, verbal communication was impossible … and throwing a tempter tantrum was the most effective way to get attention and focus others on getting just what you wanted?

Those were the Diaper Days because nobody was much thrilled about cleaning up the messes we left behind us.

Picturing mature adults showing up for class or work wearing nothing but a diaper might seem like a hilarious scene from a comedy film … but wouldn’t be funny at all if we had to interact with that person in real life.

If the policeman directing traffic had nothing on but a badge and a diaper we’d want to know What’s wrong with that guy? If a waiter at an upscale restaurant showed up at our table in a diaper and tennis shoes we’d start steering for the closest exit.

Imagine opening the front door and discovering your daughter’s new boyfriend grinning back at you … wearing nothing but a grin and a diaper.

Picture yourself at a lavish wedding … and the groom enters the sanctuary wearing a diaper and dress shoes.

We’d know right away something was wrong and have some fairly serious reservations about whether the bride knew what she getting into … until she starts down the aisle in her veil and designer diaper.

I think I’ve already read enough about diapers for today, thanks

Face it, all of us were pretty superficial and selfish as infants. We wanted what we wanted RIGHT NOW and it didn’t matter how much we bothered or inconvenienced any one else. So far as we were concerned, other people only existed to answer and attend to our needs.

Obviously we didn’t always get what we wanted, or exactly when we wanted it … which left us feeling frustrated and upset. But by the time most of us were 2 or 3 years old we’d learned Lesson #1: You Can’t Always Get What You Want followed by Lesson #2: Whining, Crying and Tantrums Don’t Always Work … and firm words (or a spanking) sometimes results instead.

And stopped wearing diapers.

Because we started off as infants, convinced I Am the Center of the Universe, maturing and realizing we don’t always get what exactly when we want it is painful, but teaches us Lesson #3: Life can be frustrating when our needs, whether physical or emotional, go unanswered and ignored.

We got along fine without diapers for decades ... then one day we get married and try living with another human being … and suddenly there’s something that needs changing. All too often we think it’s the person we married, so we set about trying to change them.

Except they’ve already started trying to change us.

But It’s Normal for Married People to Fight and Quarrel … and Dr Phil Says So!

No it isn’t. Especially if the husband and wife are believers in love with Christ.

Think about it. You can belong to a church that teaches gambling, smoking, drinking alcohol, adultery and lust are the most heinous and despicable of sins … yet never hear one word from the pulpit about marriage and anger … even though the divorce rate among “church couples” is virtually identical to the national average.

I’ve heard married Christian men say things publicly to their wives, words so hateful and malicious a fist fight would’ve resulted if another man had said the same things to her, and be totally unconcerned about the pain they’ve inflicted. Probably because they didn’t “cuss,” use profanity or take the Lord’s name is vain, Amen.

But they’re still murderous, wounding words that reveal the selfishness and spiritual immaturity of men who call themselves Christians, but who could care less about letting the Holy Spirit into their lives or marriages.

They’ve got the diapers on … but are used to thinking of themselves as so important, their contributions so large and their committees so vital that no one would dare question their behavior, much less who’s king of their castle.

We have no king but me!

It’s a shame and the worst kind of disgrace that so many churches choose not to celebrate marriage, refuse to mention that sex in marriage is part of God’s plan, and timidly overlook teaching that marriage was God’s plan (not ours), created to bond a man and woman together for life to serve, honor and glorify him.

Sure I’m a simpleton, a fanatic and out of my mind, but ‘splain to me again how bickering, sarcasm and pouting fits into God’s plan and glorifies him. Please … but go slow and use small words so you don’t lose me down the path to fairy land..

Come on, Get Real. Married People Will Always Fight and Have Disagreements.

Can Christ argue or quarrel with Christ? Can God get irritable with God? Can God sulk and pout, or hold grudges to get even with God?

Then how can you behave that way toward your spouse? How can you offer your spouse less than your best, refuse to forgive her or love him any way less than totally and completely … the same as God loved us so much he gave us his best when he sent his son to die in our place?

If you’re a married believer, then who are you living your life for … and can other people see Christ at the center of your marriage?

Or do they see an adult wearing diapers instead?

Since you’re single, I think you need to shut up and start minding your own business when it comes to marriage.

I think you need to prayer up and start forgetting yours. Especially when it comes to marriage.

Not my type ... at all

6:50AM

“Obviously I am not trying to be a people pleaser! No, I am trying to please God. If I were trying to please people, I would not be Christ’s servant." Galatians 1:10

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:2

(We’ll get back to Sex in a minute, but first the word from our sponsor …

Something strange happens when you dust off your Bible, peel open the pages and take time to read it. Like, you might catch your eyebrows arching in astonishment and gasping, “Wow! This is good stuff in here!”

Shoot, keep on reading for a week or two and you’ll be surprised at how much of what you read applies to your life. You might even start finding you’ve got favorite books and look forward to reading even more.

One other thing I’ve noticed: re-reading the same books only makes them better and better, the stories more exciting, the lessons more compelling and more relevant than ever.

Start reading Luke to preview the big picture. Then set sail with Paul for a Mediterranean adventure (shipwreck’s comin’!) before discovering the joy of following Christ in Philippians. Then take a deep breath, and see where you’re led next.

Log out of MySpace, let your Ipod battery die a lingering death, turn off the flippin’ TV and find out for yourself: The Bible doesn’t waste time with commercials or re-runs … and since its bandwidth is infinite you’ll never find yourself waiting for a download.)

This is just me, but …

I take a pretty dim view of “dating” and relationships. Dating seems a lot like hurrying out into the woods and blindly firing a shotgun into a flock passing overhead, hoping the right bird falls out.

Makes more sense to pick the best target, stay ready and wait till she gets within range.

Then take careful aim (to avoid accidentally wounding others) and shoot once, to be sure you’re getting the one you intended.

What about relationships? Relationships are what we have while we’re waiting for something better to come along.

She went to church once for Easter, so tomorrow I’m proposing

If you grew up in church you were certainly warned, Never marry someone who’s not a Christian. Let’s throw that barn door open and see what wanders in from the pasture:

“Oh yeah, she goes to church. I know because one time I asked her.”

“He was baptized as a kid … but says organized religion’s not for him.”

"Well she doesn’t call herself a Christian, but she’s very spiritual and stuff.”

“He almost came to church with me last week, but he needs time to relax on weekends.”

“She’s a Christian, but can’t stand the people in her church.”

“Not yet … but I think I can change him.”

You get the point. We live in a country where 85% of the population identifies itself as “Christian.” Yet the divorce rate is higher than ever, state governments can’t build prisons fast enough, teen pregnancy and abortion rates are sky-rocketing … and something like only 3% of regular church-goers bother giving their minimum, their tithe.

Lots of so-called Christians, but it looks like the picture’s fallen outta the frame.

OK, so who are you waiting for? Mother Theresa?

A woman who’s totally, completely, fearlessly devoted to and in love with Christ. A woman whose life screams Jesus Is Alive! and who challenges me spiritually. Daily and in ways I wasn’t expecting. A woman who makes me want to follow Christ more closely and stick faithfully, selflessly, to the plan he has for our lives.

A Godly woman who seeks him in prayer, understands his unique purpose for her life and treats her body like the gift, the treasure, it is.

A woman who’d nudge me once in while and wink, “God really knew what he was doing all along, didn’t he?” (If you get the picture without needing the colors filled in.)

A woman deserving to be honored, protected and cherished … a daughter of the king.

Because I don’t believe for an instant Christ came to earth and spilled his blood, allowed himself to be crucified in my place, and rose from the dead to guarantee my salvation with the intention of then looking the other way while I “got involved,” dated around, played Holy Spirit to convert my latest sweetie, ignored scripture, made excuses for casual sex … or in any way settled for second-best.

Do you?

From ORP

B I think you're onto something big here.

Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex

Wouldn’t surprise me much if every human being since Adam and Eve, who lived long enough to reach puberty, at some point imagined he or she played some pivotal role in the discovery of sex. As if no one knew or understood exactly what feelings and emotions were aroused ... until last week.

Each person belongs to a generation that reached puberty believing theirs was The First to discover sex: the sudden, unanticipated and powerful arrival of sexual feelings suggests a tantalizing, urgent “newness” to the thing, as if the mechanics of the reproductive process that sparked their arrival on the planet might remain something of a dark, unspoken secret between their parents.

Like mom and dad shaking their hands and asking each other, Whoa how did that happen?!

Which helps explains why teens smitten with love often complain to parents, “You don’t know what it’s like or what I’m feeling!” (Chances are mom and dad do know … they’ve just lived with those same feelings for so long they’ve (hopefully) managed to put and keep them in perspective.)

Everything animals do, from eating, drinking and sleeping is geared toward one purpose: surviving long enough to mate, recreate and keep their genes active in the reproductive pool.

Unless you believe in evolutionary theory, you gotta admit God intended you and I to be a little bit different from that. But because our sexuality is so personal, and our urges so powerful and compelling, we sometimes steer blindly toward what seems immediate and, well … intensely pleasurable.

Porn’s there to fit the bill for immediate gratification. Peer pressure can become intense enough to compromise standards and values. And then there’s the “But we love each other” mindset … and then sometimes "romantic situations" and easy sexual opportunities seem to drop into our laps from nowhere, and cause us to lose sight of the consequences.

God gets to make the rules ... and he designed sex to be a covenant, a life-long commitment and a celebration of a promise being kept, between a husband and wife. Anything else in dating and relationships … anything else (throw in holding hands if you like) inspiring lust amounts to a whopping sin.

No matter how "right" it seems. No matter what Cosmo advises. No matter what everybody else is doing.

More Red than Red

Mike the Mechanic is A Bad Man ... just look what he's done.

Blue Book Factual Correction: Turns out the real reason Mike's hands stay so clean is because he keeps his assistant chained to the bottom of the bilge.

Mike screams, "Score!"

The worst day of my life?

I'm only saying that because today Mike The Asphalt Mariner decided to start his own blog.

This came about around mid-afternoon, after he executed a frighteningly vivid rendition of he and I as 4-legged carp, leaving the lake and walking on dry ground for the first time.

The evolution fairy tale was never funnier; I had cramps and almost choked from laughing so hard.

Maybe Darwin arrived at his theory with a little help but from his friends?

... and gusts up to 60

Yesterday's sunrise, in case you missed it:


Notice the chop between slips:

Dock 6 broke loose from its anchors, and tried to hang out with Dock 7:

A peek at what happened, from my perspective:

"Word of God Speak" playing on 106.9 now.

No Accidents, No Coincidences

7:53 AM

Last night I went to sleep planning on waking up and jumping on The Blue Book with both feet first thing this morning, and blogging in-you-face about SEX. But I forgot to switch my phone over to “Silent.” Then BS sent me a text at 2:03 AM (BS= Brent Sears) and woke me up.

Which explains why I was up between 2:03 and 5:00 AM thinking what it means to fall back sleep inside a fiberglass bubble with 50 feet of water under my head. Which itself explains why SEX has to be postponed. Temporarily, anyway.

So much for my plans. Instead,

Forgiven … and Free
Despite growing up in church, until 3 years ago I had the idea that after Christ’s resurrection he ascended back to Heaven and pretty much left us on earth to our own fallible devices, stranded like the survivors on LOST, with not much more than the 10 Commandments as a map for our rescue.

Sure, there were a few red-lettered New Testament verses thrown in as a fall-back, for clarification, but the Holy Spirit amounted to a wisp of air from a ghost walking past, or a far-away echo of the words Christ spoke during his sojourn here on earth.

Message in a Biblical Bottle
Yeah, being a Christian under those conditions was tough; it was intentionally supposed to be tough so you could prove yourself and your faith, and if faith wasn’t enough to lead the way then we could count on Fear of God’s Wrath If We Messed Up to fill in the rest of the answers and keep us toeing the legalistic line till the Rapture and Christ returned to check our score cards.

To find out if we’d played God’s game on par.

As though God had left us here with nothing more to guide us than a message in a Biblical bottle.But is God really an absentee creator-landlord? Was Christ a millennium mailman delivering a gospel-gram?

No, and that approach is a guaranteed shortcut to a love affair with rules, traditions and legalism.

Learning from scripture that Christianity is a relationship, not a religion, was gospel to me. Finding out that God created us individually with a plan and purpose for our lives, from before our inception, was a revelation.

God’s promise of salvation through Christ means we’re free from rules, free from the world … leaving us utterly and joyfully free to follow his will and purpose for our lives.

And because God is omniscient, perfect and all-powerful I have a hard time believing God left us with the option of allowing us to do anything half-way, or of leaving anything he planned unfinished or half-done.

Nor do I believe his plan includes “Suggested Start Times of Your Convenience.”

OK then! I’m ready to get busy for God! So show me his plan and my purpose!
(... but first I’d like to pay off the mortgage, fix the car, get the kids in school, and get my 401k in shape. Then I'd be ready to focus and get serious about discovering God’s plan for my life. Oh yeah, I need to fix that leak in the basement, too. Maybe I can just study the Bible and get deeper in the word till then, say.)

There’s the "first" obstacle: “But first I’d like ...”

There’s the trap under your heel: “Then I want ...”

But I’m miserable and you don’t know what I’m up against. I’m already at the end of my rope!
Because you felt entitled to substitute your whims, your desires and ambitions for God's, and felt pretty smart about postponing God’s plan to tackle yours first.

You’re overlooking that His Work is going undone while you’re focused on creating your own schedule and solutions to your problems … because you feel uneasy and anxious about whether God’s solution to your personal or financial situation might not already be included with the Perfect Plan.

Oh you of soaring debts, scheduling conflicts, social commitments, demanding family obligations or burning career ambitions … and so little faith.

You want to play it “Safe” by helping God with your own customized fall-back plan. Even though grace promises we’re forgiven and free. Free from anxiety, worry, fear and doubt. All of it. Whatsoever.

Forever.

Treading water, even though it’s exhausting and leaves us subject to changing tides and currents, might seem like a safe way for believers who feel they’re in over their heads to stay spiritually afloat. Especially if we’re preoccupied with “How deep is it?” and petrified about drowning in our lives and circumstances.

Christ put the rope with our life preserver perfectly within our grasp. Even if we’re so focused on ourselves we ignore that he’s got us tightly, and eternally, from the other end.

The company we keep

April 15 2007
06:30 AM

After 3 weeks of working with Mike the Asphalt Mariner, I’ve noticed a few things worth mentioning.

Since he’s constantly working around the docks, and docks are surrounded by water, Mike keeps his sunglasses secured with a cord around his neck to keep them from falling over the side.

The lake has claimed 3 of Mike’s cell phones … now he keeps his safely fastened in a Velcro holster on his hip.

Mike’s tool boxes have a precisely arranged assortment of expensive tools like wrenches, nut drivers, drill drivers, torches and a few custom tools Mike made himself. He knows where the 5/8” box end stubby is, without having to stop lose valuable time searching.

And while Mike may have spent all day pulling a corroded outdrive from a slimy transom, at the end of the day his hands aren’t stained with grease. His fingernails aren’t ever crusted with oily grime like you might expect, either.

That’s because Mike washes and scrubs his hands after each job, so dirt and filth never has a chance to take hold and start accumulating.

Here’s what’s odd:

Now I’ve got a brown cord on my sunglasses. I keep my phone at the bottom of my front pants pocket. My tools are the same brand as Mike’s and I’ve arranged them the same way Mike keeps his.

Mike’s a highly trained, competent, no-nonsense professional who knows and understands what he’s doing.

He doesn’t show up for work drunk, lie to customers, scrimp or cut corners, steal from boats or overcharge for work. And he stands behind the job at no additional charge until the customer is satisfied it’s right.

All of which might explain why Mike’s turn-around time for new work is running around 8 weeks (and it’s not even boating season yet.)

Mike’s at the opposite end of the scale from the yahoo fly-by-night mechanics who blow into the marina with a big splash, brag with great excitement about their skill and experience and then vanish, leaving holes in the wallets (or the transoms) of their customer-victims.

That was the illustration. Here’s the point:

We’ve all got a tendency to adopt the habits, behaviors, values and standards of the people we’re around. It’s hard to stand apart without wanting to fit it and be accepted.

We’ve also got a tendency to explain away and rationalize our actions with noble-sounding excuses.

If your friends are liars, chances are you’ll think lying is OK too, and start telling “just a little” or “white” lies yourself. If you go to clubs with friends whose sleep with strangers then your values and self-esteem are also at risk … and you’ll likely think their behavior is their business and look the other way (because it’s “their private life.”)

Even though it compromises and invalidates your witness as a follower of Christ.

If you intentionally prefer to spend time with and socialize with “friends” who aren’t believers, or choose to date people who don’t share your faith and aren’t inspiring and encouraging you spiritually, then your faith has already been eroded and is under critical attack. Don’t tell me it isn’t … because you’ve been swimming deep in De Nile.

If you think a little touchy-feely funny business on the couch is OK because “We’ve both got our clothes on” or because “It’s not actually having sex” or “It’s nothing compared to what else going on out there” then I’d suggest you stand in front of a mirror, take a good look at who’s peering back, and then start slapping as hard as required until that foolishness goes away.

For Heaven’s sake. Your body is not your own, no matter what the humanists say. You were purchased at a price and paid for with the blood of Christ.

Why am I mentioning this?

Lately I can’t help but notice all the grinning would-be mechanics who want to shake hands ... except they've got greasy palms and filthy nails.

What my church needs to do is TAKE ACTION, STAND UP and PROTEST something!!!

There must be something inherent in the pitiful human psyche that causes us to elevate our personal opinions to an importance roughly equivalent to scripture.

At least, that’s the way we see things.

When it comes to meaningful theological discussions like “Should we allow drums and electric guitars in the worship service?” or “It is OK for pastors to quote non-KJV texts?” or “Should church members buy gas from convenience stores that sell beer?” it’s likely more than a few voices will rise above the background chatter to volunteer profound opinions about “What this church needs to be doing.”

First we ought to ask ourselves if the church is Christ’s body, or is it not?

Then how on earth can we expect any human voice, least of all ours, to fill Christ’s body? Do we really believe that our personal opinions are so important that Christ’s body can’t get up and move until it hears the sound of our voice issuing its marching orders?

What you’re saying is silly. If somebody doesn’t speak up in church, then who’re we gonna listen to?

Uh, the Holy Spirit for one. The pastor for another.

BUT SOMETIMES THE CHURCH CAN’T JUST SIT AROUND AND DO NOTHING. If we’re not boycotting Disney, supporting the Blue Laws or picketing movies and abortion clinics, then what on earth does this church stand for?

“With my authority, take this message of repentance to all the nations, beginning in Jerusalem. There is forgiveness of sins for all who turn to me.” – Luke 24:47-48

That’s good for Sunday morning preaching, but how does my church get itself heard and make any kind of difference in this community during the week?

By preaching and witnessing the gospel that Jesus Christ was the only Son of God, that he was born of a virgin, that he lived on the earth for 33 years until he was crucified for our sins, and that he was raised from the dead so that we could be saved from eternal condemnation through placing our faith in him.

Everybody already knows that. It’s all well and good as far as it goes, but what if somebody tried to open a liquor or adult novelty store across the street from our church? What should we do then?

Acknowledging that God is always in control and then inviting the owners, employees and customers to church, being a first-hand witness to Christ’s love, mercy and grace, would be an awfully strong start.

We don’t have time to do all that.

Hmmm, what have you had time to be doing until now?

Angrily thumping our chests (or Bibles) and demanding a knee-jerk reaction because “Churches can’t stand around and hold the door open for sin” is saying something very different from expressing a deep, prayerfully received conviction that the Holy Spirit has called for a specific, Biblically consistent course of action (which can never be confused with a hot-headed reaction ... because our God is the Creator, and knowing all things, our God is a god of action).

Hot button problems like XXX-theaters and adult novelty stores are easy, wide open and public targets for our wrath as believers. We know they’re evil and destructive. We wish there was no need for them to exist.

But when our identity as believers becomes entwined with a self-righteous call for public action, when we express indignant outrage (often a barely disguised lust for cheap publicity) at the conduct of others, or when our successes hint at gloating or smugness (“Look what we did! See how powerful our church is in the political arena?”), then we’ve lost sight of the cross, put humility aside and placed our own self-serving agenda ahead of Christ’s.

We are servants after all, and all glory is God’s. Period.

Well, if we’re not gonna do anything then I’m withholding my tithe until my church comes around to some right thinking, and starts doing things my way.

It’s not your tithe to withhold, nor is it your money to use as a whip to enforce your opinion. God created all things, and all things are His. Withholding (or even reducing) your tithe is stealing from God … and highly un-recommended [Acts 5:1-11 ]

So far as “doing things your way” is concerned, God has a plan for doing things his way that’s not just better, it’s perfect.

BTW it’s not your church, either.

I give up. Religion’s sure not what it used to be, mister.

Not for more than 2000 years. Instead of man-made rules and legalism, now we have a relationship with the living God through Christ. And prayer is an awfully good time to stop yapping about what’s important to you, and try listening instead.

The Blog Is Back? (Well, kinda)

Saturday
14 April 2007
N34’ 29.023”
W082’ 49.277”

Sorta.

This amounts to improvising a bit, but with Ken’s technical expertise (and the help of a tiny laptop) I’m doing my best to get back to regular posting.

Wow, the past few months have been hectic. So let’s get started.

JUST SOME CATCHING UP AND GETTING CURRENT Department

It’s 5:48AM and I’m anchored out at Zombie (“Horseshoe Island”). Not with Ben, and not with The Key West Kid either. You may already have surmised from Fran’s previous post that the new love-boat in my life is Calypso.

MEET MY NEW HOUSE

Calypso is a 1984 28-ft Carver “Riviera”. Hence she’s 23 years old (and also explains the nickname “CC” … Calypso Carver) and was built in Wisconsin. She’s a “twin” because she has two engines and her hull was designed for “bluewater” cruising … which hints at CC’s yearning to explore exotic foreign locales.

Of course I’d seen her before many times over the years, but our relationship was nothing more than a flirtation. (Brent Sears himself was with me when I finally met Calypso, btw.)

THIS IS WHERE I LIVE:

I’m down about halfway, on the right.

THIS IS MY FRONT YARD:

WOW, THAT SOUNDS EXTRAVAGANT Department

Calypso is 11 feet wide, has central heat and air, an electric stove and microwave, a shower, toilet, two bunks in back, a diesel generator … but cost much less than a new a 4-door luxury sedan.

Insurance is virtually the same as for my car and the monthly slip fee is significantly less than half what I was paying for utilities at the house.

Even with two gasoline engines, Calypso will cruise at 7mph sipping only six gallons per hour. Not bad fuel economy considering you’re driving your house around the lake … (although it was a shock the first time I filled up at the gas dock; $2.75 x 180 gallons=you do the math :-))

AND THE WORST PART IS Department

Doing laundry. I don’t mind cooking or not having mail delivery or even not having routine web access.

But the nearest Laundromat is a 4 mile drive each way. The washing machines only hold about as much as a motorcycle helmet and the dryers eat quarters by the handfuls.

$12 bucks to do laundry? Ridiculous.

If I could find a scrub board at the Jockey Lot I’d hang a clothes line alongside my slip and get busy with a soap bucket, I’m serious.

PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG Department

It’s true. Three weeks ago Mike “The Asphalt Mariner” asked me if I was interested in being his assistant. Mike does it all when it comes to fixing and maintaining boats, everything from overhauling outdrives, rebuilding engines, installing toilets, repairing fiberglass or replacing damaged woodwork and cabinetry.

Shoot, he was even willing to pay me to go to work for him … heck, I woulda shouted “YES!” and jumped at the chance even if I’d had to pay HIM … so having the chance to learn from and watch “The Master” at work, and getting paid to boot is awesome.

It’s like getting a crash course at U-Can-Fix-It U.

HOW GOOD IS MIKE REALLY?

Here, decide for yourself:

A through-hull is a plumbing coupling that threads into the bottom of the hull, under the waterline, from the outside to inside the boat, to allow a controlled flow of water either into or out of the boat … like, for cooling pumps.

Actually installing a through-hull amounts to drilling a 2-3” hole in the bottom of your boat, pushing the through-hull in from the outside and then threading and sealing it more or less permanently in place to keep the hull water-tight. (Remember the words Controlled Flow, hee hee).

Drilling holes in the bottom sounds like something you’d want to do when your boat is out of the water , right?

Not so:

Mike can drill a hole in the bottom of a boat while it’s in the water and screw in a through-hull from inside the boat all by himself. Figure that one out.

Yesterday Mike told me, “I don’t want everybody knowing my tricks. But I don’t mind showing you, because you can’t remember.”

Ha ha.

A JOE OF ALL TRADES Department

In the past three weeks I’ve learned lots of useful stuff that might come in handy someday. I’ve also met somebody who’s hinted about teaching me a thing or two about TIG welding.

If there’s a downside to my new job it’s that now when I tell Mike, “The trim tabs aren’t working on Calypso” or “The manifold risers on Ben are leaking and need replacing” or “The genset’s solenoid is stuck” he just shakes his head and says, “Well, schedule yourself to go over and fix it.”

Time consuming, but Cool.

BUT HEY, WHAT ABOUT BEN? Department

Ben’s excited about moving west to a new home on Lake Powell in Arizona, near Page. My friend Photographer Bill and I are gonna split the costs … and Ben is just right for exploring narrow canyons and sandy beaches.

LOOK! LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY STUFF! Department

I finally sold the house. The new owners bought the furniture, and even asked to keep Luke too (taking dogs to Tanzania is a No-No, due to illnesses carried by tsetse flies).

DJ, Will and Lloyd helped move the mini-mountain of my personal stuff to a mini-warehouse a half mile from the marina. Everything’s carefully boxed and labeled, but that doesn’t mean I can find anything or know where such and such is.

Seeing all the locked doors at the mini-warehouse complex reminded me somehow of visiting a graveyard. And that’s what those storage facilities amount to, vast mausoleums of materialism. We have so much stuff we end up renting space to bury it in because our stuff seems so “valuable” it’s worth keeping.

Even a month later, when we forget what’s even there … nonetheless, every rented space is sealed with an expensive lock.

THIS MORNING’S FUNNIEST TXT MESSAGE Department

Arrived from TPW around 2:15AM:

“Don’t you know only monsters are awake this time of night?”

I GOT A SHARK IN A JAR Playlist:
"Mack the Knife"

HOW'S ABOUT AN OLD-TIME PLAYLIST Department

"Word of God Speak"

See ya tomorrow!

Here's an idea...Papa and I have formulated a plan. I blow off the Masters, meet Papa at the airport, we hop a plane to Vegas, kidnap B and spend the rest of the week shoe shopping and watching shows. I know how to do the Vegas Showgirl walk by the way. I learned in dance class. And PR knows how to kill a NY Strip. So look for the next post from Vegas in a few days!