Man, you gotta be kidding me

Been taking the past two weeks off from working with Mike (The Asphalt Mariner) to take care of a few odds and ends regarding travel plans.

But otherwise, during an average work day I'd estimate Mike's cell rings about six time an hour, with calls ranging from owners who've locked themselves out of their boats to guys who'd love dropping $30,000 worth of iron hardware on their motor mounts because they heard somebody else talking about the latest-n-greatest new engines just out from the factory.

Sometimes Mike even fields calls from strangers who can't find their way to the lake, and takes time to do his best to help first-timers get their boats out on the water.

See, Mike's a marine technician ... and I'm guessing 80% of boat owners here at the marina have Mike's cell number near the top of their phone's speed dial. Not that they expect to be calling with an emergency any time soon (much less for solid advice about preventative maintenance) ... but it's reassuring to keep Mike's number handy for any unknown, unexpected Just In Case situations in the future.

Boat owners are human after all, and until something breaks there's a tendency to keep on driving a boat until the propellers fall off. That's usually when Mike's phone starts ringing, and folks usually expect him to drive right over and fix their problems Right Now because Nobody's problems are more important to me than mine.

Everybody wants their boat up and running in time for the big Fourth of July celebrations, so here's an entirely hypothetical situation. Let's say Mike's phone rang just a few minutes ago with an urgent call from an overwrought owner ... someone he barely knows, because this person doesn't call very often.

That is, unless he needs something.

This guy's voice is shaking, trembling badly, because he just realized his boat needs new red, white and blue pin stripes. And he wants them Hand-Painted. That's right, not the adhesive easy-to-apply stick-on kind like the factory uses. He wants his stripes hand-painted because nothing impresses like hand-painted stripes impresses.

Wow.

Free-hand paint striping is notoriously difficult and migraine-inducing work but he's already whining that his old stripes are peeling off, and make his boat look tired and filthy.

As though Mike didn't already know his stripes were peeling. Or that the reason the stripes are peeling is because the guy's been too busy eye-balling bikini waxes to think much about washing and waxing his boat.

Oh, and by the way. This guy says he's real busy right now, and it's too much trouble for him to trailer his boat out of the water. So he wants the new stripes painted on while the boat's still tied up in its slip. That's right, while it's bobbing around on a moving dock like a cork dropped into a washing machine.

Oops, there's just one more thing ... he wants those stripes finished and ready to go in time for the 4th, which is the day after tomorrow. Mike I know you're real busy, but I'm begging you.

This guy sheepishly admits he's "got company coming" and wants his boat "looking good."

Ah ... so he want to impress the newest girlfriend ... which also explains why he's already called Mike six times so far this morning. Look I know it's a lot to ask, but can you help me out just one more time?

Let's overlook for a minute that July 4th rolls around on pretty much the same day every year. And forget that the guy's known for the past eight months that his old stripes are fading.

Also please forget that the same guy called Mike three weeks ago because trash had somehow found its way into his head (toilet), clogged his pump, and his boat smelled like a sewer that's been flooded since the Middle Ages.

And finally let's not mention that besides a clogged toilet his boat is otherwise in great condition, absolutely seaworthy and entirely fit for service ... and that most folks at the marina would give their right rudder to have it.

Of course the guy had no way of knowing at the time whether Mike was already booked solid for the next 8 weeks, but surely he knew that Mike wasn't responsible for clogging his head with trash.

Instead, he just assumed that no other boat owner's problems were as important as his (or smelled quite so bad).

Maybe he was so insistent because he believed he'd actually done something for Mike in the past (besides burn up his air time moaning about his boat's problems), and so now Mike owed him one ... something really huge ... and Mike wouldn't mind driving across the county late on a Saturday night to spend four hours in a bilge filled with stink to unclog his toilet.

Nope, the only thing that mattered three weeks ago was that he had "company coming" (meaning a girlfriend) and wanted his boat to impress her ... which would be quite difficult, considering the splendid odors wafting from a commode that had been choking since Valentine's Day (when his previous girlfriend dropped by for a visit).

Funny, he didn't mention anything back then about needing new hand-painted stripes ... the idea hadn't even occurred to him: this guy's problem is that a week ago his neighbor got a newer, bigger, faster boat ... and now new hand-painted stripes seem like his way out.

Just one more thing to add about this guy: it's interesting how eagerly he shares details about his vast wealth and material fortunes, but once the work's been done and he's back out riding around the lake, this customer also just happens to be a bit forgetful about paying his bill on time.

Even though he's never forgetful about remembering Mike's number ... because a Just In Case might happen at any time, and usually when he leasts expects it.

So go figure.

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Like I said, this is all just hypothetical and this customer doesn't actually exist, I promise.

But imagine you're Mike listening on his end of the phone, hearing this customer spill out the desperate, urgent reasons why he can't live without new hand-painted stripes in time for the Fourth. The guy has a hard time admitting he's jealous of his neighbor's bigger, faster, newer boat. Or that there's a new blond babe in a bikini he can't wait to impress.

Keep imagining that you're Mike, and that you've already taken a dozen calls from other boat owners facing real crises ... like structural damage caused by last week's storm, or an engine that's dangerously overheating, or a bilge pump that needs immediate replacement to keep a boat from sinking.

Where do you think Hand-paint new stripes is gonna go on your list of today's To Do's?

This customer and his situation is made-up, but in real life Mike always says exactly what he's thinking. So I can shimmy out on a limb and guess it's awfully close to what God might be thinking when he hears some of the urgent, desperate things ... not so different from new pin stripes ... we're used to asking for in prayer.