So Who Knows Sumo? (updated)

-video of 580-lb Kanishiki, the largest rikishi ever.

No kidding, I used to be a Sumo afficionado.

But the matches are hard to find on US tv, even with DTV. And let's face it, most Americans think sumo wrestling is no more serious than two fat guys trying to grab each others' underwear.

They'd rather watch NASCAR (or college football) instead.*

Anyway, here's what sumo is all about: "Sumo (相撲, sumō) is a competitive contact sport where two wrestlers (rikishi) attempt to force one another out of a circular ring (dohyo) or to touch the ground with anything other than the soles of the feet."

Or paraphrased from a current Yokozuna, the key to to controlling your opponent is "To make his belt float."

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* Formula 1 racing from Barcelona

More than a closets' worth

I was on the phone the other day with a friend who lives at a marina in another state.

She excitedly informed me that she'd just received an from a nationally-prominent designer announcing "Unprecedented SAVINGS!"

My friend told me she's "save" almost $150 per each pair of shoes she purchased. Then I asked her, "How many shoes would you have to buy to 'save' enough money to have for your retirement?"

Huh?

Well if you're "saving" $150 bucks per pair, and you bought 100 pairs, then you've "saved" $15,000 dollars, right? So call the bank, and ask them to let ya know when your "savings" have been credited to your account.

Moral: ya can't save money by spending money. Just ask Joe.

Live Eye Witness News

"What are we going to do with these men?" they asked. "Everybody living in Jerusalem knows they have done an outstanding miracle, and we cannot deny it. But to stop this thing from spreading any further among the people, we must warn these men to speak no longer to anyone in this name."

Then they called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John replied, "Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God. For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard."
- Acts 4:16-20

hujambo

My missionary friends from Tanzania, Vernon and Mary Smith, dropped by for a visit yesterday afternoon while en route to a conference in Washington, DC. We had just enough time for lunch at Cracker Barrel, and a quick tour of the church.

Vernon brought me a gift of the bean:


Cori, a man I'd met during my visit to Vernon's church in 2005, sent me these awesome hand-made sandals, too:

Notice the soles are made with nails and real truck tires.

Insomnia Pt 3

"Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." - Acts 4:12

No matter what Oprah says.

--- ---

So the Twelve gathered all the disciples together and said, "It would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables. Brothers, choose seven men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility over to them and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word." - Acts 6:2-4

got one?

Mine is

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. - John 15:15

Not a cure for insomnia

Wow, insomnia came back ... the second event in the past 48 hours. Here's the verse that got me outta bed & reaching for the reading lamp:

They produced false witnesses, who testified, "This fellow never stops speaking against this holy place and against the law. For we have heard him say that this Jesus of Nazareth will destroy this place and change the customs Moses handed down to us." - Acts 6:13-14

... and then:

When Simon saw that the Spirit was given at the laying on of the apostles' hands, he offered them money and said, "Give me also this ability so that everyone on whom I lay my hands may receive the Holy Spirit."

Peter answered: "May your money perish with you, because you thought you could buy the gift of God with money! You have no part or share in this ministry, because your heart is not right before God. Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord. Perhaps he will forgive you for having such a thought in your heart. - Acts 8:18-22

Sure I'm saved ... just do the math

Salvation: the 51% solution

-51% Faith is all I need to feel like I'm saved
-51% Devotion is all I need to get God on MY side
-51% Forgiveness means I can still hold grudges and settle scores when I want to
-51% Obedience means I can keep my favorite sins intact & ready when I need them
-51% Involvement means my free time's not being wasted by volunteering at church
-51% Integrity means you can trust me, mostly. Really
-51% Commitment means I can walk out, quit or go church-shopping any time I feel like it
-51% Sacrifice means lots of cash leftover for BIG WEEKEND BLOW-OUT! sales
-51% of the way is as close to the cross as I'm willing to go

This is serious business

Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, "Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up, take your mat and walk'?

But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins . . . ." He said to the paralytic, "I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home." He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all.

This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this!"
-Mark 2:8-12

Church by Committee

The Problem: "We need a bus to meet the needs of our membership living outside the local community."

The Prospectus: call the usual clique members and create a Church Bus Committee

"Church Bus Outreach Ministry" Progress Report:

Phase 1
1) Meeting #1: Bus Committee elects officers
2) Meeting #2: preliminary financial report; first motion to cancel project because "We never needed no bus before."
3) Meeting #3: Committee writes letter to pastor asking, "Do we really need a bus?" and suggests "Bus Alternatives." Two senior committee members resign, protesting the letter's "mealy-mouthed warning" that the pastor should "Stop day-dreaming in the pulpit."
4) Meeting #4: Committee stalls over issue of approving previous meetings' minutes as read, because a quorum doesn't exist
5) Meeting #5: Emergency meeting to discuss what color is "appropriate" for a church bus
6) Meeting #6: Committee dissolves itself after being unable to reach a consensus whether the bus should be available for Youth as well as Senior activities. Six families leave the church in protest

Phase 2
7) Deacons assume control; Deacons table motion to include "No Smoking" signs on board the bus
8) Pastor fired for suggesting John 3:16 could be painted on both sides of the bus ... using NIV text instead of KJV (authorized)

Phase 3
9) Deacons form Committee to replace pastor; Deacons debate withholding contributions to SBC pending confirmation of Presidential endorsement; Deacons vote to allow political bumper stickers on the bus for Presidential campaign only
10) Church splits over issue of honoring dismissed pastor's pension
11) Finance Committee proposes using previous pastor's pension to purchase the bus
12) Deacons vote not to buy a bus from any dealership open on Sundays
13) Congregation votes to amend Church Covenant to prohibit buying gasoline for the bus on Sundays, and to prohibit buying any bus using ethanol fuel (or other alcohol blend)

Phase 4
14) Recent, drastic decline in membership causes church to cancel Wednesday and Sunday night Prayer Meetings
15) Church purchases bus; congregation splits again over issue of whether women or divorced men should be allowed to drive the bus

Phase 5
16) Church bulletin declares Bus Program "Another overwhelming success for The Kingdom" in its last issue, after congregation votes to dissolve itself over "irreconcilable theological issues and objectives."

Now, let us laugh

A Lutheran minister and his wife, an Episcopal minister and his wife and a Baptist minister and his wife were all on a cruise together and the ship sank and all died. They approached the pearly gates when St. Peter stopped them with some bad news.

He told the Lutheran minister, "I can't let you in because you have an unhealthy lust for money. This is clear as you even married a woman named Penny".

He next told the Episcopal minister, "I cannot allow you in because you have had an unhealthy lust for drink. This is clear as you married a woman named Sherry.

At that point the Baptist minister turned to his wife and said, "let's go. There's no need for us to even try. His wife, Fanny, agreed.

Down for maintenance - UPDATED

Wow, I've got a chest cold.

Golly pops, I'm glad that's over.

That's one good thing about having ADD ... ya can't stay focused on anything for very long, not even on being sick.

Is science a superstition?

Well, until researchers apply the scientific method and start shooting galaxies from the end of a test tube ...

Flock Mentality

Church should make me fat n' happy. So pastor gimme something sweet n' easy to graze on, and lick my wounds to remind me who's your most favorite trophy of all.

And pastor doggone it, keep my flock small ... so your eyes stay focused on me. Otherwise I might wander off a cliff and blame you for falling ... or become prey to wolves in sheeps' clothing.

Because my own wool grows over my eyes, and keeps me from seeing around me.

Literal Translations

"My relationship with God is personal and private."
Translation: Preacher, only tell me things that make me feel good about myself.

"Well, that's just your interpretation of scripture."
Translation: I've never actually studied or even opened the Bible to find out for myself.

"There's not just one way to salvation."
Translation: I believe whatever's newest and coolest.

"It's up to each person to decide what's right for them."
Translation: I'm trapped in sin, and can't make myself stop.

are we having sex?

What's the distinction between "Sex" and "Not Actually Sex"?

Is oral sex really the same thing as "having sex"? And what about doing .... and then there's ... well, you get the idea. I mean, none of those things are really "having sex" so they're not technically sins, are they?

Who're we trying to fool?

If you were married, would you mind if your spouse did the same things, those things that "aren't actually having sex," with someone else? Would it be easy to look the other way and convince ourselves, "Well technically it's not adultery so it must be OK" ... and merrily go on about our business?

Or would "not actually having sex" start looking ... and feeling ... a lot like sin, after all? And then imagine how "We're not actually having sex" sounds from a Heavenly perspective.

Who're we trying to fool by playing sex word-games ... and who's being fooled?

Seen yesterday

I saw this unattributed quote while standing in line at the drug store:


"Education is an achievement, not an entitlement."

I simply must have an adjustable seat, or nothing at all.

The Bugatti Veyron 16.4
MSRP: $1,500,000 - $1,500,000 [that's $1.5 millions]

Fuel Economy (city/hwy): 8/14 mpg

Standard Features: Bluetooth, Navigation System, Heated Front Seats, Electronic Stability Control

Optional Equipment: Power Driver's Seat

Monkey Business

-from today's "Like, Duh" Department:

Boys Will Be Monkeys

"The notion that children's taste in toys might somehow be genetically determined has long been disparaged by psychologists -- pooh-poohed as unscientific, sexist or both.

But a study by researchers in the United States suggests that when it comes to choosing between trucks and cuddly stuffed animals, chromosomes could make a difference."- source here

What's wrong with people?

I mean, really.


Duck Gets Order of Protection After Attack

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A pet duck named Circles, shot and wounded by a neighbor with a pellet gun, has received an order of protection to keep it safe, the first duck in New York state's Suffolk County to benefit from such an order.

Circles was in its owner's backyard on Long Island -- long known as a habitat for wild waterfowl -- when it was shot by a neighbor through the neck, said Michelle Auletta, prosecutor at the Suffolk County District Attorney's Office.

Circles, a white, yellow-billed duck, was treated by a vet and survived, she said.

The neighbor was charged with animal cruelty. At the attacker's arraignment on Thursday, Circles' owners received an order of protection.

"It's the first case that I know of in this area where a duck got an order of protection," Auletta said. "And in Suffolk County, Long Island, it is the first case where an animal was included in an order of protection that was not a domestic violence case."

In 2006, former New York Governor George Pataki signed into law a provision to include pets in orders of protection.

(Reporting by Karen Brettell; Editing by Daniel Trotta and Philip Barbara)

-original source here

S.S. Comfort Zone

-I love that so much of the action in the New Testament takes place on or around boats ....

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" - Matthew 14:29-31 (NIV)

Of course the name of the boat isn't mentioned, but ...

Pastors' Yearbook

- from today's "I wonder whatever happened to Pastor So-and-So" Department ...

I don't remember this pastor's name. But I do remember one Sunday morning he tried preaching from the NIV.

He got fired from the pulpit faster than cannister from a cannon.

I don't remember this preacher's name either, but he was the one who talked back to the deacons and said it was OK if black people and white people went to the same church. Meaning, the white people's church where the deacons were members where no black people had gone before.

Shoot, we even had a committee standing by to make sure we didn't mix pastels with earth tones when it came to painting the church restrooms.

The 2000+ year wait

Still waiting for archaeologists or historians to discover a text contemporary to the period that reads, "Then Jesus, and all the liars (including his mother) who later claimed he was crucified and rose from the dead ...."

No Greater Power Than ...?

Those celebrity self-help strategies kinda pale in comparison to the Resurrection, don't they?