Church by Committee

The Problem: "We need a bus to meet the needs of our membership living outside the local community."

The Prospectus: call the usual clique members and create a Church Bus Committee

"Church Bus Outreach Ministry" Progress Report:

Phase 1
1) Meeting #1: Bus Committee elects officers
2) Meeting #2: preliminary financial report; first motion to cancel project because "We never needed no bus before."
3) Meeting #3: Committee writes letter to pastor asking, "Do we really need a bus?" and suggests "Bus Alternatives." Two senior committee members resign, protesting the letter's "mealy-mouthed warning" that the pastor should "Stop day-dreaming in the pulpit."
4) Meeting #4: Committee stalls over issue of approving previous meetings' minutes as read, because a quorum doesn't exist
5) Meeting #5: Emergency meeting to discuss what color is "appropriate" for a church bus
6) Meeting #6: Committee dissolves itself after being unable to reach a consensus whether the bus should be available for Youth as well as Senior activities. Six families leave the church in protest

Phase 2
7) Deacons assume control; Deacons table motion to include "No Smoking" signs on board the bus
8) Pastor fired for suggesting John 3:16 could be painted on both sides of the bus ... using NIV text instead of KJV (authorized)

Phase 3
9) Deacons form Committee to replace pastor; Deacons debate withholding contributions to SBC pending confirmation of Presidential endorsement; Deacons vote to allow political bumper stickers on the bus for Presidential campaign only
10) Church splits over issue of honoring dismissed pastor's pension
11) Finance Committee proposes using previous pastor's pension to purchase the bus
12) Deacons vote not to buy a bus from any dealership open on Sundays
13) Congregation votes to amend Church Covenant to prohibit buying gasoline for the bus on Sundays, and to prohibit buying any bus using ethanol fuel (or other alcohol blend)

Phase 4
14) Recent, drastic decline in membership causes church to cancel Wednesday and Sunday night Prayer Meetings
15) Church purchases bus; congregation splits again over issue of whether women or divorced men should be allowed to drive the bus

Phase 5
16) Church bulletin declares Bus Program "Another overwhelming success for The Kingdom" in its last issue, after congregation votes to dissolve itself over "irreconcilable theological issues and objectives."