Emergency Numbers That Work

Emergency

Telephone Numbers

These are more effective than 911. Call when . . .

You are sad, phone John 14

You have sinned, phone Psalm 51

You are facing danger, phone Psalm 91

People have failed you, phone Psalm 27

It feels as though God is far from you, phone Psalm 139

Your faith needs stimulation, phone Hebrews 11

You are worried, phone Matthew 8:19–34

You are seeking peace, phone Matthew 1

You are losing hope, phone Psalm 126

ALTERNATE NUMBERS

Paul’s secret for happiness, phone Colossians 3:12-17

For dealing with fear, call Psalm 3:47

For security, call Psalm 121:3

For reassurance, call Psalm 145:18

TOTAL Male Empowerment!

After naming my future kids and then deciding what they'll look like, I might as well collate all the fixin's and pick out the Total Mom Package (this promises to be the fun part) so I can be done with the whole thing, and start worrying about something else.

Starting from the top ... meet my Miss Perfect:

Hair: no clear preference- anything between blonde & brunette; length no consideration, so long as it's free of adhesive labels and nesting insects

Face: no obvious resemblance to crustaceans or carnivorous predators ... and no facial growth that can't be cured with outpatient surgery in a single visit

Eyes: my heart skips a beat every time I meet a woman who can make each eye move in a different direction at the same time; not sure why but I'm serious. Bonus Points if each eye is a different color

Height: So long as she doesn't have to climb a ladder to scratch the dog's back, being vertically-challenged is not a consideration. (I don't mind unusually tall women either, so long as they can't bench press more than me)

Weight: definitely must weigh more than a 50lb flour sack but less than I do after a 3-day donut binge

Ethnicity: Non-bovine preferred

Intelligence: must know the difference between a book and a bird bath

Patience: more than Job's a requirement

Figure: (we'll figure something out ...Hee hee; sorry)

Sense of Humor:
-I'd swim to Europe for a girl who showed me pictures of the lobster suit she wore to her high school reunion
-I'd be hugely attracted to a woman who enjoyed greeting new dinner guests with a broccoli sprout up her nose; also women who address teenagers with, "What was that, professor?"
-If I go into a really upscale restaurant with a woman who marches right up to the Hostess and asks, "What happened to your drive through?"... then I'm just putty in her hands (and don't mind buying, even if it is only our sixth date)

Definite Deal Makers:
-loves dogs, elephants, dolphins, giraffes and talking birds ... especially well-done
-ability to diagnose ignition problems and overhaul Land Rover cylinder heads using only hand tools
-demonstrates her commitment to "saving the environment" by taking out the trash
-feels "most attractive" when mowing with a John Deere

Preferably She Doesn't ...
-have credit cards, a second mortgage, or class-action lawsuits pending against her
-have relatives who address me by her ex's name, on purpose
-isn't familiar with more than two (2) parole officers on a first-name basis
-during church, announce "Amen!" louder than anyone besides me can hear

Definite Deal Breakers:
-tusks
-Must not have an ex-boyfriend I recognize from posters at the post office
-Must not insist upon exchanging wedding vows at the Jockey Lot
-Must have zero interest in "checking her Ebay auctions" during our honeymoon
-Must not believe professional wrestling is fake
-Doesn't tithe with a VISA card, or make change from the offerings bucket

SawStop It ... and I mean Right Now!

PS. After 8 hours of watching the SawStop video, I've almost made up my mind.

I'm not sure I'd wanna be the guy to feed my finger into the SawStop, but somebody oughtta step up and prove this thing's got the juice. That's all.

Committed ... or no?

This is the kinda thing I'll dwell on for days if I'm not careful.

Head over to this site and look on the left for the "Video Demo" buttons, then click whichever one you prefer to see the 13-second demonstration video.

http://www.sawstop.com/

The SawStop looks like a really great safety device; I'm not kidding, it's amazing. But then I start thinking ... like, did they "burn" any weenies before this one?

I'm just not sure about using a hot dog either, ya know? Using an Oscar Meyer shows me this guy's involved with the product ... but using a real finger would've demonstrated absolute faith and committment ... heh heh, I'm just saying.

Aah, well. I'll probably watch it another 50 or 60 times, and then forget about it.

Actual Photos of My Kidz

Thought I was kidding?

Right now the satisfaction of having named my kids has me more wired than Jamie Simpson on an all-day hair binge.

But here's the actual un-doctored photos of Commander and Arabella, including one taken en route to my surprise birthday party in March 2031.

Gosh, what great kidz I've got ...

Misc Wild Thang & Other Stuff

Always pays to be prepared, right? That's why folks who aren't even dating have already decided on names for their kids.

Not being much different from anyone else, I've picked some names, too.

Boy: Commander
1st Runner-Up: Lockheed-Martin

All the other names I liked involved either construction materials (i.e. Brick, Hammer) or numbers (P-38 Lightning), so I feel safe sticking with Commander.

Girl: Arabella

You're shocked, right? Thought I'd pick "Conchita" or "Citizen" and so did I until yesterday. But now Arabella feels so right.

Conchita started sounding too much like a wrapped sandwich, or a Cuban fried banana.

Citizen would likely move to New York and become some kind of political activist who told her friends she left home because I was a professional wrestler.

But Arabella sounds tall, dark and faithful.

Yeah, I'm real comfortable with Commander and Arabella. Now that names are outta the way, tomorrow I'm picking out what they'll look like.

The Greatest Movie Never Made

When's the last time a silent movie left you stunned?

Screened to a hand-picked audience in 1924 Eric von Stroheim's 10-hour long epic Greed was heralded as the greatest, most powerful film ever made. But almost immediately after the screening MGM prodction chief Irving Thalberg seized both the print and the negatives, ordered Greed cut to two hours, and destroyed both the original version and Von Stroheim's negatives.

25 year old Thalberg, the MGM boy wonder who later predicted "talking movies will never last," was largely responsible for creating movie production as we know it ... the "unit production management scheme", which splits productions into "units" thus spreading out the creative control of a film among producers, directors, etc.

Which goes a long way to explain why studio films are often so bad.

The destruction of the original version is regarded as the greatest single loss in movie history ... uncovering an original unedited 8-10 hour version of Greed would be the equivalent of finding the "holy grail" of filmmkaing.

In 1999 Greed was re-released in both 4 and 6-hour reconstructed versions. Do yourself a favor and commit to watching either one ... you'll never feel the same way about Road Trip again.


Quotes Worth Quoting:

"Credit you give yourself is not worth having". -Irving Thalberg (Thalberg refused to have his name included in film credits)

"In a business in which few men had the courage of their convictions, I decided that if I made them do things my way they would never know if their way would have been better."
-Irving Thalberg

"When I saw how the censor mutilated my picture Greed which I did really with my
whole heart, I abandoned all my ideals to create real art pictures and made pictures
to order from now on." - Eric Von Stroheim

"Since when does a boy tell a genius how to work?" -Eric Von Stroheim

[on seeing the two-hour version of Greed (1924), rather than the whole film] "It was like viewing a corpse in a graveyard".

[Dying in bed, telling his biographer] "This is not the worst, the worst is that they stole twenty-five years from my life..."

Chia Pets - How Big's the Risk?

Americans' fascation with "Chia Pets" may have waned 15 years ago, but apparently the public's craving for inexpensive automobile replacement parts has combined with the tiny seedlings to spark a potential world-wide economic crisis with long-term consequences unlike anything seen since the 1820s. And many experts believe this is just the tip of the chia iceberg.

Last week investigators from the Department of Health and Environmental Control (DHEC), responding to an anonymous tip, discovered a massive illegal chia auto parts farm facility near Iva, South Carolina. Naturally camoflauged to blend with its environment, officials speculate the 450-acre chia "chop shop" may have been in operation since the late 1990s, and supplied counterfeit chia auto replacement parts to unwitting consumers throughout the eastern seaboard.

The demand for homegrown chia alternatives has sky-rocketed in recent years because manufacturers like GM, Jeep and Yugo have been unable to meet consumer demand for inexpensive factory-original parts like brake rotors, oxygen sensors and wheel covers. The price difference between a genuine part and a counterfeit is often staggering.

In an interview taped last Saturday Ed "Little Ernie" Noid, owner of "We Fix So You Can Git" in downtown Starr, told reporters his customers could expect to pay about $4000 for a factory-warrantied GM replacement engine.

Noid's seen counterfeit GM engines grown from chia substitute sell for as little as $29.95

What's exasperated the problem from a law enforcement perspective is that chia-grown parts have improved to the extent that even experts often find it difficult to tell the difference between a factory-installed transmission, and a mildew lookalike that simply grew in its place. Officials speculate that total revenues for the illicit chia auto parts industry could be as high as $3.7 billion annually.

Enterprising chia chop shops in fungus-friendly climates like South Carolina, Georgia and Louisiana began fabricating crude chia replacement hubcaps and grilles in the mid 1980s after kudzu was found to be an unsatisfactory substitute ... even for easily-manufactured items like carpet and seat upholstery.

Not only did kudzu ultimately prove to be high-maintenance, frequently requiring daily summer trimming. but kudzu was also very susceptible to leaf mold and bag worm infestations. Even kudzu seat cover enthusiasts admit the vine can cause itchy, oozing rashes.

And although the Salvia Columbariae seeds used to fashion chia pistons and engine blocks may seem enviromentally friendly, experts point out there's just no way to predict what may occur during the next 20 years.

Bi-County Tech Computer Science Professor Chaurlyne Orangello confides we may be on the verge of a chia revolution. "Unless the situation changes dramatically ... and soon, I have little doubt we'll see the first counterfeit Chinese chia Ipods on our street corners sometime this year. Then chia-chip computers ... and after that chia motorcycles and chia big screen tvs ... this may in hindsight turn out to be the century of the chia."

Sunday March 26, 1996

Ten years ago today I had the rare opportunity to fly left seat in a World War II-vintage B-17 bomber. The hour logged as Pilot in Command of a B-17 got a full page in my logbook, and so far I've resisted the temptation to pull out the page and have it framed.

The B-17 was a heavy, no nonsense freightcar of a ship. You turned the airplane using muscle, keeping the pressure on the control surfaces with your arms and legs, and waited for the wings and rudder to catch up. In other word, the B-17 had no power steering or hydraulic assist. Still the "Flying Fortress" was high tech hardware back in the late 1930s, and was used extensively for long-range daylight precision bombing missions deep inside Nazi Germany.

Flying at altitudes between 20,000 and 30,000 feet B-17 crews faced the terrifying prospects of death from flak barrages, swarming attacks from German fighters and immediate execution upon capture ... but more than one account I've read said sometimes the worst part of combat was surviving the cold. Even with layers of sheepskin clothing over an oygen mask and an electrically-heated flight suit, waist-gunners stood at open windows in the fuselage behind their .50 caliber machine guns, exposed not just to enemy bullets but also to the frigid blasts of air hurtling past the wings at 200 miles per hour.

If you got wounded, the first step toward survival meant staying alive during the 4-6 hour flight back to base, usually at -40 temperatures, with essentially zero medical assistance.

We'll never, thankfully, see another era where men exchange machine gun fire six miles above the earth with nothing ... not even a pane of glass ... below or between them but thin air.

It's worth remembering what these brave airmen faced, and endured, to preserve our freedom.

"12 O'Clock High" (1949)
http://imdb.com/title/tt0041996/

http://www.390th.org/aircraft/aircraft.htm
http://www.avsim.com/pages/0501/b-17_flight/b-17_feature.html

Stress

How do you cope with stress?

When you feel your stomach knotting into an undercooked pretzel, or the searing headache accompanying the sense of feeling overwhelmed ... do you withdraw to your "quiet place?" Do you try to fix what feels broken by heading for the nearest self-help shelf ... or are you one of the bullies who lash out and attack?

Maybe you handle stress by submerging yourself in staying busy, whether it's putting in extra hours at the office or by smothering the flower beds in a fourth layer of mulch. I have friends who handle financial stress by applying for credit cards and then overspending their new limit.

All those approaches are dead ends and merely prove to me that you're actually a Stress Wimp.

I know your type: You're one of the guys or gals banging the bass drum at the front of the Irritability Parade just because you got a bad haircut. You want the world to notice your anger, but what you need is a new method of coping. Here's two that work: coloring, and blowing bubbles.

Don't laugh. Stress Wimps only laugh when they're fearful of being found out.

I'm just giving it to you straight: Nothing soothes frayed nerves like having a big box of Duane "Dog" Chapman 64-color Bounty Pack crayons in one hand and a Jeff Gordon NASCAR-series Speed King bubble hoop in the other. Nobody in their right mind would tell Dog he has to color inside the lines ... and if you don't like Jeff Gordon, then you need to pack up your minivan right now and take your "Eeh?"s back to Canada.

I can still hear you stress addicts snorting. You're thinking a stressful life is unavoidable for Busy Type-A Men and Women, right? Getting angry and being sarcastic is fun! But think about this the next time you complain to a waitress about slow service: while your food is back in the kitchen getting the cook's best SOT treatment, I'm busy coloring my place mat and have the situation completely under control.

You might be thinking you'd like to stress me out right now by leaving a bunch of stinging Comments down below, but you're way too late. I've already got both hands on the bubble bottle.

So go ahead, wimp. Make my coloring day.


http://www.crayola.com/
http://www.virginiabusiness.com/magazine/yr1998/march98/mybubble.html

Have A Sweet Saturday

Thanks to Tom for passing this along ...


A Single Woman's Prayer

"Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart, and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen"

---I've got about the same emotional depth as a kids' wading pool, but I've seen marriages that can be described this way: a Godly relationship with the right woman is like having a savings account at an emotional bank. With regular deposits and limited withdrawls, she's gonna give you a 500% return on your investment, with minimum monthly maintenance.

Now go out and do something especially nice. Not because you need to, but because you can.

Jared Will Be So Proud

Maybe it's time to face a resources reality.

I'm a digital slave to my computers. What I'm saying is that I can't sleep, eat, answer the phone or even think of leaving the house unless I have their permission. But please don't get the impression that my work stations are bad computers, or that they misbehave on purpose, or that all they need is either a good FORMAT C: spanking or a swift kick in the boot sector.

My babies are old, really really old; that's the problem. So old that when I needed a new mouse I couldn't even find one at the Jockey Lot.

Little old ladies in folding chairs smirked and told me I needed cement lawn bunnies instead. They didn't need Joy Browne to tell them I have old-gear issues. I tried smiling and started sifting through the bins of knock-off Pravda man-bags to distract them ... is cordovan my color? ... but you can't scam a pink-haired old lady on her own turf.

They knew my stuff was old just by the shamed look on my face. Their grandkids in day care had newer computers than me. I drove home in disgrace with no mouse nor new man-bag, convinced that every chow on the parking lot had either wanted to bite me, or tell me I needed a new life.

Probably both.

Seems like only yesterday my Precision 620 Workstations had enough raw computing horsepower to compete with anything NASA or the Russians claimed in their inventory... I even had to apply for an NSA technology permit and sign a liability waiver before taking delivery. After accepting my order on the phone the salesman had matter-of-factly explained, "We can't let just any Joe Blow on the street have Windows NT running on dual Xeon 733 processors at his fingertips, ya know."

I murmured half-heartedly in agreement, wondering how long I could ignore the pestiferous "Joe Blow" slur. Guess his brain was in the middle of a re-boot after the giddy moment of making a sale ... at least he didn't call me "Joe Tomato Can," and for that I'm still grateful.

But five years have passed, and now my poor Precisions are indeed obsolete. I've seen models identical to mine offered on Ebay for less than $200 and nobody bothered placing a bid, not even for spare parts. Yet everytime I think of what 2 gigs of ECC RDRAM had cost me in 1999 dollars ...

Maybe this helps explains why I've spent the last two weeks with my head in a digital cloud, staining my fingers with Windows for Dummies ink, tempting my ticklish twins to transcend their temporary technological tribulations.

In the past 14 days I've learned how to overclock my processors, edit my registry, change my IRQs, install 3-way booting and flashburn my BIOS. On two computers at the same time. Without having to dial Patrick Harris for technical support. Now my darlings are both up and running with no problems.

Sort of.

When I looked in the mirror this morning all I saw was the Blue Screen. There's a hex dump message where my forehead used to be. But it was all worth it ... and the real payoff is thinking somehow I might've made Jared proud.

My Ipod Will Eat Your Ipod's Lunch

Tomorrow I'm taking the day off and doing something physical ... by that I mean I'm building my own Ipod.

Pretty sure I can do it. All the parts I need are stowed away in loose boxes and jars under the house because I never throw anything away ... not broken CD players, dead cell phones or old answering machines and never anything made by Motorola. Parts come in handy if you're not scared to see how they fit together.

My Ipod will be badder than Shaft, James Brown and Kung Fu all rolled into one. Your Ipod will see my Ipod and burp, "Daddy?"

If Spock's tricorder ever broke he'd ask to use my Ipod to get a proximity reading for probable life forms. And if Sayid had had my Ipod then Maggie would be ... well, never mind about that.

I haven't even built it yet and aready my ear buds are illegal in 37 states. The National Enquirer says my Ipod not only made Dr. Phil's hair fall out but also made Lindsay Lohan's hair turn red. And if I remember to plug in the recharger, ABC Sports is predicting my Ipod will win the Super Bowl.

Don't be surprised tomorrow if I don't answer the phone ... I think my Ipod already ate it.

When Faith Counts

Yesterday I saw on Fox News that a man I've never heard of, Abdul Rahman, will be facing trial soon ... with the possibility of execution if he's found guilty of his crime. What got my attention was that the crime he's accused of is being a Christian.

Rahman was turned in to authorities by his own family members. And because Rahman refuses to "re-convert" to Islam, which is an offense punishable by death in "liberated" Afghanistan, chances are he'll be executed for his "crime." To spare his life, all Rahman has to do is to embrace Islam, and re-acknowledge Muhammed as the prophet.

How many Christians do you know who'd be willing to change places with Rahman?

There are people here in America ... and I hate to define a type ... who're pretty much Country Club Christians ... who want to be seen at the "right" church ... driving the "right" car ... wearing the "right" clothes at the "right" service ... people who're looking for a packaged worship service that best suits their hectic Sunday/social schedule. Because it's convenient.

You might know some of them from the secular world; they might be the some of the same people you're surprised, or actually shocked, to see at your church.

Casual Christians, in other words.

They're skilled at saying all the right words on Sunday, and they especially excel at the role of Playing Pious. They're quick to condemn drinking, dancing and gambling ... they might even look down their noses at that exciting "new" church in town ... and if they're Pleased With Their Pastor they might even toss something into the offerings bucket this month, but they certainly want you and everybody else to know it. Because they're worried about making the right impression.

Just look at the things we that are important to us here in the US.

Do we worry about how we'll finance that new car we've been dreaming about? Are we focused on shuffling our credit card debt so we can finance new clothes to start the new school semester? Do we pray and expect God to play the role of heavenly match-maker ... so He can shuttle us through the relationship dating maze, straight to the Perfect Mate we feel we deserve?

Or maybe we get impatient and angry at the check-out line when it comes time to pay for our food ... yet somehow we forget that there are Christians in other countries ... souls we'll see in Heaven ... who literally endure hardships beyond our comprehension... and still don't have safe drinking water and are literally facing starvation?

I've met some of them, and they're still anxious to share their faith. As well as their food.

Let's get right down to it ... if the government came to your house tonight and accused you and your family for being Christians ... knowing that you could face death ... how would you react?

Would you somehow "re-convert" to the religion you've been practicing during the week?

Jesus died a horrific death on the cross ... and too often we fail to acknowledge that at any moment during the crucifixion He could've called down fire from Heaven and scorched the Romans and His accusers from the face of the planet ... instead His love was revealed as all-powerful, and all-encompassing.

Even after the resurrection, Jesus didn't waste His time on earth seeking out the soldiers who'd flailed and taunted Him, looking to throw down and settle scores. Because the debt had been been paid ... with perfect love.

Not with easy payments. Not with Visa Platinum.

Yet ... somehow we feel justified in our anger if we another driver cuts us off in traffic ... while we're driving a $40,000 car financed with credit.

We claim to be Christ's witnesses ... but would we also be willing to be found guilty of following Him? Not just on Sundays, not just when it's convenient, and not just when we feel the need for the favor of a supernatural intervention?

Following Christ can never be a hobby. Faith is a 24x7 lifelong commitment.

Please remember to keep our brothers who're facing hardships and persecution... they're some of the souls we'll see one day ... in your prayers.


http://www.voanews.com/english/2006-03-18-voa7.cfm

http://www.lifesite.net/ldn/2006/mar/06032106.html

http://www.africaonfire.org/missions.htm

Got LOST?

Wow, it's 1:26 PM on what's gotta be the dreariest, dampest, coldest day of 2006 ... which is only increasing my expectations for the LOST episode coming up Wednesday night.

This will be quite an event, I'm sure ... because what is this, the third new episode in the past six months?

Theoretically we're half-way through the second season, yet the survivors are still muddling along at around Day 40 of their ordeal or, roughly their 7th week on the island.

Which is about the interval we've come to expect between new shows.

I'm not complaining about the excruciatingly slow pace, not at all. I'm sure the writers need that much time to figure out the show's next direction ... and maybe also to figure out whether all those loose plot twists can ever be pieced together.

Finally, here's an idle thought: wouldn't it be awesome to find out the survivors' adventures on the island were actually the "trial run" of an experimental DisneyWorld-type hypno-high-tech amusement park?

I gotta think being chased through a jungle filled with invisible prehistoric man-eating creatures and gun-toting French women would be more fun ... I mean even scarier ... than the dancing mimes from Cirque du Soleil.

C'est la Guerre

PARIS — "Apple Computer Inc. (AAPL) faces a serious challenge in France as lawmakers move to sever the umbilical cord between its iPod music player and iTunes online store — threatening its lucrative hold on both markets.

Amendments to an online copyright bill, adopted early Friday, would give rivals access to the hitherto-exclusive file formats at the heart of Apple's music business model."

The French really know how to hand-pick their fights. But I'm guessing all Steve Jobs needs to do is scribble off a memo ordering the French to surrender, then rename the country Pommes Frittes France.

Now This Is REALLY Progress ...

SAN JOSE, Calif. — "As expected, hackers have found a way to run Microsoft Corp.'s (MSFT) Windows XP operating system on new Macintosh computers, winning an ad hoc contest and a $13,854 cash prize to boot.

Or, make that dual-boot — the way to make a computer switch between two operating systems.

Some users of Apple Computer Inc.'s (AAPL) Macs have clamored for such a solution since Apple said it would be switching its computers to Intel Corp.'s (INTC) chips, putting the feat within reach.

Their reasons vary, but a common denominator is that they would like to run Windows-based programs on their Macs."

I won't believe it till I see the Blue Screen of Death on a G5 Quad.

The Blue Screen of Death

You don't want to see it, but here the thing is: that's right, the dreaded Windows Blue Screen of Death.

Take a good look and remember just one thing ... whenever you see it, the Blue Screen is your friend. Dont be afraid of it, no not ever ... just relax and step into the Blue Screen, and become one with your KMode_Exception_Not-Handled error.

It's Microsoft's way of saying Yes, you are a DOS geek after all.

March 19 - Why Am I So Excited????

Had a lot to think about today, and came back to the single reason I'm grateful to be where I'm at in my life: because I've had the opportunities to realize God isn't stagnant, or out of date, or locked up in a legalistic box, or on "sin patrol" hiding around the corner hoping to holler "Gotcha!" next time we fail. I'm also grateful because I've learned in the past two years that God doesn't love me more if I wear a coat and tie to church, or sing louder than the choir, or pray aloud in restaurants with a heavy dosing of "thee's" and "thou's."

Following Christ isn't a matter of acting self-righteous by making up rules or rituals, nor is it about statues or steeples or stained glass windows. It's about being a first-hand witness to seeing your life rocked on its axis and discovering that God really is in control. The first time I heard Perry say, "Christianity isn't a religion; it's about having a relationship with the living God" I felt I'd been speared between the eyes with the point I'd somehow kept missing.

I understand now that no matter what happens I am never alone, that my eternity is secure, and no good deeds, or acts of self-righteousness or false holiness, can ever make me "more saved" ... because the debt's already been paid in full. Not because I earned or deserved it, but because God loved me in ways that are impossible to comprehend.

And I understand that God won't let a life that's devoted to following Christ ever be described as, "Okay, I guess."

"I no longer call you servants, because a master doesn't confide in his servants. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me." -John 15:16

That the Creator of the universe would call me "friend" is incredible. Re-reading that passage still staggers me ... and I think best of all, Jesus's words describe a relationship that's worth staying excited about.

Here's Your Answer ... At Last

Once in a while, someone will take me aside and whisper, "There's still something I don't understand ... exactly where is the Internet? Is there a place where I can see it?"

Finally, here is a complete and easy-to-grasp answer: The Internet is under my bed. Really.

Here's a photo I took this afternoon, along with the little man who keeps the information superhighway up & running.

Meet Mr Flu

What's the "correct" name for the cold/congestion/coughing bug that's been going around ... is it this year's version of "flu"?

It comes, it goes, and comes back again ...

Here's an actual drawing of what the virus probably looks like.

Westboro Baptist Church - Topeka Kansas

Have you heard about Westboro Baptist Church, founded in 1955 by "Pastor" Fred Phelps? His ministry includes heckling the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq.

Fred's son Jacob adds, "God is hate. He's the one who caused the World Trade Centers to fall. Everything that happens is because of God, and if you don't believe that, you're going to hell."

Nor is Fred (who had 13 kids, 54 grandchildren and 5 great-grand children) shy about condemning "the homosexual lifestyle of soul-damning, nation-destroying filth" with slogans like
AIDS Cures Fags and Fags Doom Nations.

You can see his web site here:
http://www.godhatesfags.com/

He may wanna re-think that "Broke Back" look this season, I'm just saying.

My Favorite Cartoon

When I was a kid I loved Bugs Bunny.

Now I've found http://mediamatters.org/index

Best Single Reason to Pay Attention In School

Because without a rigorous analytical paradigm, you might end up expressing yourself like a flummoxed crone:

"Therefore, it’s critical that people elect members of the Democratic party to the House and Senate so that a new leadership can take control. Only if this occurs, can we even begin to imagine a time when there will be a myriad of investigations so desperately needed on so many issues…let alone the ultimate investigation which would involve the conduct of the President of the United States and the determination of whether his actions warranted impeachment proceedings."

"If this Administration lies to the American people about the reasons to wage war, the public should expect them to be dishonest about virtually anything."

"I have said in the past that I believe art does not exist only to entertain but also to challenge one to think, to provoke, even to disturb, to engage in a constant search for the truth."

-Barbra Streisand, Art In the Pursuit of Truth



Can I get fries with that?

Hooray for Bollywood

I like fun movies. I like fun a lot.

I started wondering the other day about why some movies are a dull waste of popcorn, and why others so effectively fill my craving for vapidity in a way that neither Fear Factor nor Britney & Kevin can match. I'm talking of course about the great action films that kept us on the edge of our seats for a full 90 minutes ... films like Khiladiyon ka Khiladi and Master Bhagwan's classic Bhagambhag.

If you love romance but found Kaagaz Ke Phool too dark & depressing, what about Parinda? Back in the 80s didn't every red-blooded teenaged guy secretly wish he was Kishan, so he could save Paro's life by marrying her himself? College girls rebelled against Disco and John Travolta's platform shoes en masse and started wearing nose rings after watching Rati Agnihotri's role as the elusive Sapna in Ek Duuje Ke Liye.

So what if the actors are speaking Hindi or Tamil? They don't need dialogue, they've got faces. The movie critics, those limp-wristed snobs who think filmmaking is an art, can keep their so-called classics like Citizen Kane, Limelight, and Metropolis. When I sit down in a dark theater with my popcorn bucket I'm not there to start thinking or to be challenged ... I want six bucks' worth of Thrills & Entertainment.

Speaking of entertainment, frankly I get depressed every time I start imagining how Lara Croft: Tomb Raider would've ROCKED if Aishwarya Rai had been cast instead of Angelina Jolie. Aishwarya really knows how to wear sindoor and I wish she'd do her next film with Rob Schneider ... but I don't see any reason to start making Deuce Bigalow sequels because as far as I'm concerned they can keep making the same movie over and over again because it was so funny the first time.

The only other thing I wish is that movies were shorter, and didn't last so long.

All right, Mr. Narayanan, I'm ready for my close-up.

This Is The Girl

1972 Citroen 2347cc DS23 EFi

I wonder what Detroit would be like today if Elvis had owned one of these ...

Gangsta Fries

If you're like me, you stay up all night at least 3 times a week watching French gangster films from the mid-50s, trying to identify convertibles (of any origin) manufactured between 1945-1951 and trying to pronounce the word "Bob."

So there's no point dwelling on the obvious: every post-war French filmmaker of any significance secretly craved a Cadillac. No sarcasm or cultural indifference here; even Ansel Adams drove a Cadillac as soon as he could afford it. There's just something transcendental about the plentitude of all that (functionally irrelevant) sheet metal.

I'm starting to think "gangerster-ism" isn't American at all ... that Coppola's stereotypical Godfather probably has more in common with Marseilles than Mustache Pete. That's why I can't wait for ILM to turn PepeLe Peu into "L' Art." Maybe the French Film Aesthetic amounts to not much more than atributing style-consciousness to social outcasts (with lots of chatter accompanying the two-fisted smoking) ... and challenging the rest of the world to join Le Fraternitie in the heady revelry of snobdom.

Oui oui, ya'll.

French films from the 50s and 60s are awesome, don't get me wrong. I can't wait to watch five more tomorrow. But I bet we'd never find Bergman driving a Caddie.

It Must Be Wednesday

When people call me on the phone the conversation usually goes something like this:

Caller: Hey, what're you doing?
Me: Workin' on the computer.
Caller: Isn't that what you're doing yesterday, and the day before
and the day before that?
Me: That's right.
Caller: Don't you ever do anything else ...?
Me: No.
Caller: I'm calling back tomorrow to find out.
[click]

Sigh. Computers reach obsolesence before they ever get up and running real good.

A Ridgeback is NOT a pig from Arkansas

Rhodesian Ridgeback is a breed of dog, also known as the African Lion Hound, or the African Lion Dog.



You can find out more here ...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhodesian_Ridgeback

I Can't Believe This ...

For all you LOST fans, I found this at: http://thelostnumbers.blogspot.com/

NeillT006, a registered member of the forum, came up with the idea of mapping out the Numbers, 4 8 15 16 23 42, onto the 42 spaces of a Connect Four board, and seeing where they would lie.

This is an actual screencap from an episode of LOST, where the Big Dipper (Ursa Major) constellation is displayed for a few frames. When the Numbers, 4 8 15 16 23 42, are matched up in their corresponding spaces on a Connect Four board, it mimicks the constellation.

I guess what that means is you can pick any four numbers and ... nah, I got no idea whatsoever.

What's On Joe's Ipod?

Guess what? I don’t have an Ipod.

Here’s everything I know about Ipods: Ipods play mp3 music. Ipods come in assorted sizes and colors (like cell phones … I don’t have one of those either), which I guess must be important if you’re into accessorizing. What creeps me out is that Ipods have two dangling little wired things called “ear buds.”

Sorry, but I can’t consider in any way a device that’s designed and engineered by people I’ve never met to be inserted into my ear canal to be my “bud.” Can’t do it. “Ear Bud” just sounds too much like “Ear Weevil” or “Earwig Bud” but especially “Ear Botfly.” Lots of bad visuals.

BUT if I had to choose today what I’d take with me on an extended trip to the moon (or Belton) to play on my trusty Lear 8-track, here’s the first 16 songs that come to mind …

“Beneath the Icey Floe” Black Tape for a Blue Girl

“Cross Road Blues (alternate version) " Robert Johnson-King of the Delta Blues

“Death Letter” Son House

“He Reigns” Lee McD’s version-live

“Meantown Blues” Johnny Winter Live

“Let X=X/It Tango” Laurie Anderson

“Love in Vain” Robert Johnson

“Moss Garden” David Bowie

“Porcelain” Moby

“Rebel Rebel” Seu Jorge

“Ring of Fire” Johnny Cash

“Sing to the King” Lee McD’s version-live

“Terraplane Blues” Robert Johnson

“The Noise We Make” Lee McD’s version-live

“Voodoo Child (Slight Return)” Jimi Plays Berkeley

“Wild Thing” Jimi Hendrix- Monterey Pop

Call me retro, call me a Luddite because Ipod I have not. Just please don’t leave your ear buds lying around on the kitchen table … and remember to wash your hands thoroughly with soap after each use.

Here we go ...

I gotta confess right off that I’m still doubtful about blogging.

Last year when a friend first suggested I open a blog, the idea of keeping a public journal wasn’t something I got terribly excited about. I mean, who had the time to write new entries every day? Most of the blogs I'd already seen were drivel like, "My Spring Break 2006 with Mike, Jody and Buffy -The Beach Rocked!" with 36 dozen grainy jpgs attached.

I couldn't understand who actually bothered reading blogs like that and besides, I knew myself pretty well ... and I just didn’t see much new material simmering in my brain-pan to keeps folks coming back.

Skip ahead a year.

Since then I’ve discovered a handful of blog sites I visit daily because I’ve somehow come to feel I know the writers behind the blog ... and they all either write beautifully or have something interesting to say, or they've been thinking about or struggling with the same things I do … even if I’ve never met the folks on the screen, their words and emotions have become part of why I decided to give blogging a go.

So, that's how I got here.

Thanks in advance for stopping by. I'll be mixing some humor with more serious subjects in the future, so stay on your toes ... and let's see where the ball rolls. If you like what you find and decide to come back, that’s great. But if you ever start ranting or calling me names ..

Then that's great, too. I want to hear where you're coming from.

Here's the last thing to keep in mind: my ideas, rantings, advices and opinions are worth exactly what you pay for them.