TOTAL Male Empowerment!

After naming my future kids and then deciding what they'll look like, I might as well collate all the fixin's and pick out the Total Mom Package (this promises to be the fun part) so I can be done with the whole thing, and start worrying about something else.

Starting from the top ... meet my Miss Perfect:

Hair: no clear preference- anything between blonde & brunette; length no consideration, so long as it's free of adhesive labels and nesting insects

Face: no obvious resemblance to crustaceans or carnivorous predators ... and no facial growth that can't be cured with outpatient surgery in a single visit

Eyes: my heart skips a beat every time I meet a woman who can make each eye move in a different direction at the same time; not sure why but I'm serious. Bonus Points if each eye is a different color

Height: So long as she doesn't have to climb a ladder to scratch the dog's back, being vertically-challenged is not a consideration. (I don't mind unusually tall women either, so long as they can't bench press more than me)

Weight: definitely must weigh more than a 50lb flour sack but less than I do after a 3-day donut binge

Ethnicity: Non-bovine preferred

Intelligence: must know the difference between a book and a bird bath

Patience: more than Job's a requirement

Figure: (we'll figure something out ...Hee hee; sorry)

Sense of Humor:
-I'd swim to Europe for a girl who showed me pictures of the lobster suit she wore to her high school reunion
-I'd be hugely attracted to a woman who enjoyed greeting new dinner guests with a broccoli sprout up her nose; also women who address teenagers with, "What was that, professor?"
-If I go into a really upscale restaurant with a woman who marches right up to the Hostess and asks, "What happened to your drive through?"... then I'm just putty in her hands (and don't mind buying, even if it is only our sixth date)

Definite Deal Makers:
-loves dogs, elephants, dolphins, giraffes and talking birds ... especially well-done
-ability to diagnose ignition problems and overhaul Land Rover cylinder heads using only hand tools
-demonstrates her commitment to "saving the environment" by taking out the trash
-feels "most attractive" when mowing with a John Deere

Preferably She Doesn't ...
-have credit cards, a second mortgage, or class-action lawsuits pending against her
-have relatives who address me by her ex's name, on purpose
-isn't familiar with more than two (2) parole officers on a first-name basis
-during church, announce "Amen!" louder than anyone besides me can hear

Definite Deal Breakers:
-tusks
-Must not have an ex-boyfriend I recognize from posters at the post office
-Must not insist upon exchanging wedding vows at the Jockey Lot
-Must have zero interest in "checking her Ebay auctions" during our honeymoon
-Must not believe professional wrestling is fake
-Doesn't tithe with a VISA card, or make change from the offerings bucket