Pastor Stick-in-the-Mud

I'm not sure what's going on at church. I mean, from what I've been hearing recently I'm starting to think I had it all wrong.

Wasn't this supposed to be the cool new church, the one with the great band, the church where you could show up in jeans and a t-shirt ... and it didn't matter if you had tattoos, piercings and a mohawk?

I mean, I figured the reason everybody was so excited and the church was growing so fast was because it was The Place to hookup with chicks. And where you'd see all your friends you'd been out partying with the night before and laugh about hangovers.

I always wanted to find a church where I could just hang out and chill, without being bothered. And I'd heard lots of people from other churches say this was "the church where anything goes."

Yeah, that sounded awesome.

But NO, that's all wrong ... because lately I've been hearing the pastor say an awful lot about stuff I shouldn't be doing if I love Jesus. Crazy stuff like:

-I can't get drunk or do drugs.
-They say I can't have sex before marriage, even if we're engaged ... which is easy for the preacher to say because he's married. And check this: he teaches it's wrong to unzip or unbutton clothes on a date, even if both the guy and the girl are adults and they both want to. It's unbelievable.
-They believe alternative lifestyles are sinful, and it doesn't matter if a person was born that way.

-I must be accountable for my finances, avoid credit cards and pay my debts ... on time.
-I can't surf for online porn, even though I'm by myself for hours at a time and it isn't hurting anybody else.

-I've gotta sit there during the sermon and listen to viewpoints that don't 100% agree with mine just because Perry thinks his opinions are based on scripture. But my life includes lots of gray areas.

-I can't play the lottery, even though God might want me to win big and give some of the money back to the church.

-I can't tell lies, even when it's necessary to avoid getting in trouble.
-I can't stare at or have sexual fantasies about women, no matter how they're dressed.
-They teach abortion is wrong, even if the girl got pregnant by accident or doesn't want kids.

-I'm not married, but if I was I couldn't flirt with other women ... or have close, meaningful relationships with female friends, not even at work.

-I can only date women who hate sin and love Jesus (I mean, then what's the point?)

-They want me to believe the Bible is literally true, even the parts about Creation and the Resurrection.
-Then they say I should read the Bible, even though it's too old and irrelevant to have anything to do with my life (and I think most of it was probably made up anyway).

-They say Jesus is the only way to salvation, as though there's nothing you can do on your own to get into Heaven ... and I just don't think that's fair.

-They think I should pray even when I don't need anything.
-I'm expected to volunteer (can you believe they've got the nerve? I've got stuff I gotta do on Sundays, and isn't it enough I show up as often as I can?)

-They think I should tithe ... I guess somebody's gotta pay for all the preacher's running shoes.

But wait, you haven't heard anything yet.

The new thing is I can't even buy Playboy just to read the articles anymore, you know what I'm saying. That's just going too far and besides, I'm pretty sure I could find a doctor who'd say it's not even natural. And what I do at home is nobody's business, so butt out.

Where does Perry get all his crazy ideas from, anyway? And who the heck is he to tell me how to live my life? I mean, he doesn't even know me or anything about my issues or what I really need in my life.

I wish I could ask Perry just one question, cause I'd love to hear his answer: How on earth can he expect me to invite my friends to church when I already know they'd be embarrassed and get mad about hearing why their lives are all screwed up? Doesn't he know I care about them way too much to ever do that?

All that talk about Jesus, Jesus and Jesus gets old after a while, ya know?

Does he have any idea how dumb I'd feel telling a stranger what Jesus was doing in my life, as though I had an actual living relationship with a guy who was crucified 2000 years ago? Come on preacher, gimme a break.

That's just expecting too much, because nobody thinks Jesus freaks are cool.

I'm sure Jesus was a good guy back in the day and "following Christ" and "being Godly" may work for some people, and that's cool, but most of us have to find our own way and decide for ourselves which way works best.

And here's a hint: talking about hell and damnation makes people uncomfortable and just isn't cool any more, especially since nobody really believes it.

All I'm saying is, I can't believe Perry actually knows what's going on in the real world and there's no way possible he faces the same challenges and temptations every day that I do, otherwise he wouldn't be a preacher. I think he's out of touch and church people should take the blinders off and start getting real about life in the 21st century.

If he quit talking so much about Jesus and the Bible and stuff, then maybe I'd consider going back. Especially if there were lots of hot chicks who don't pay attention to the message and liked doing the same stuff I do. That's what I expect from my church.


--- ok, for those of you who may've landed here by "accident" for the first time and not already guessed, That Was A Parody, a satire of things I've heard people say about church, and not at all what I believe. In fact, it's the opposite.

One other little thing: I'm not on the church staff so any viewpoints or interpretations presented here are entirely my own ... as are any errors, omissions or misstatements.