I'll keep the change

Been noticing something peculiar over the past few weeks.

The times I was most likely to remember hurt came from gnawings of humiliation, wounded pride and self-pity. A convenient scrap book of memories with multiple pages devoted to stinging events like getting bullied in middle school, relationships that ended badly and suddenly, stupid goals and ambitions that seemed so CLEAR at the time & things I screwed up ... right on down to pets I've lost and still missed terribly.

Revisiting those chapters once or twice a year was more than plenty, thanks, and I learned to keep that volume tucked safely away on a shelf because those real-life situations were written in stone and no amount of wishful thinking could change the fact that they'd happened. Indulging in and re-living feelings of humiliation and helplessness was like opening an engraved invitation to Start the Personal Pity Party.

That's changed a little bit.

Now the times I'm most likely to feel helpless and notice my eyes blistering come while remembering seeing people I cared deeply about hurting, and being absolutely unable to do anything to make it stop.

Times when I'd willingly, even eagerly, have taken the hurt myself to stop what was happening to someone I loved. Because it tore something inside me apart to witness the pain caused to someone else.

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By the time they're old enough to tie their own shoes little boys are taught not to cry when they're hurt. Only girls are allowed to cry, crying is for sissies and nobody wants to get called a sissy. But not crying ain't the same thing as not hurting ... so a man's unresolved hurts and feelings of helplessness learn to channel themselves into an incessant rage and willingness to strike back directed at the easiest, least-resistant target.

Himself.

You coulda done something to keep that from happening ... but you didn't. And while it was happening you still didn't do anything to make it stop. Feeling helpless creates a ravenous, seething rage that's forever marching inward, like an an enemy army that gives no quarter, takes no prisoners ... and never seems to get tired of attacking.

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We feel most helpless when it comes to feeling helpless over someone we care deeply about. Even when we'd be willing to change places with the person who's hurting inside to make their pain stop and disappear, there's nothing we can do. We're trapped as witnesses on the outside, and instead of helping all we have to share is an awareness of our own helplessness.

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Imagine, though, if you could change places with a friend or loved one who's hurting so much it seems like they're dying on the inside. You love that person so much that you'd gladly, willingly allow yourself to be hurt in their place - knowing their pain would instantly disappear. All they've gotta do is ask.

Imagine how you'd feel if they refused. Imagine if they said, "Nah, I don't believe you can do that," said they were "Too busy right now to stop hurting" or angrily explained, "I deserve feeling this way and besides, it's comforting because pain is all I'm used to."

What if they said, "You must want something from me in return, because nobody could possibly love me that much ... and I refuse to be in your debt"? Would you shrug and give up, turn your back and go on about your business, and be happy with looking the other way?

No, you wouldn't ... and neither does Christ. He already suffered and died in our place, and he's ready to make the guilt and pain stop ... right now.

It just seems there's one thing that's the hardest for people who've known nothing but suffering to get past: first you gotta ask.