yaRd wArz

[Somebody wrote in recently and asked why my blogs are so long. I told them it's because I use so many words.]

Summer's here .. look outside your window and tell me what you see. Almost overnight giant weed clusters have appeared from nowhere, sprouting thorns and vines with tentacles like radioactive crabs on steroids. And they're all ready to eat up your yard like a Chunkey Monkey ice cream cone on an August afternoon.

What's needed isn't "yard work." We're talking about waging War against nature's obsessive intrusion on civilization. It's time to step up and become a Yard General.

Any army must have weapons, tools you'll use to turn the attack ... but chemical sprays, foams, weed-killing ointments and electric hedge clippers are for grannies and parochial schoolgirls. What about chainsaws? Gas hedge-trimmers are certainly OK, but only a guy who looked forward to wearing lederhosen to his family reunion would fool with chainsawing his weeds.

Here's the combat essentials for your yaRd wArz Arsenal:

Machete
Forget about rushing down to Big Box and grabbing the first machete you see off the shelf. They're worse than useless, because most imported machetes are constructed from scrap bobby pins and recycled tuna cans. The mere vibration from driving home will likely cause that shiny new blade to corrode and lose what little edge it may have.

What you want is a Collins & Co. Legitimus machete. Collins made the world's best machetes and they're easily identified by the distinctive "witch on a broom" logo either pressed or attached to the blade.

Snakes of all sizes scatter at the mere sight of a genuine Collins & Co. Legitimus.

Fashion Tip: machetes also make a powerful statement when stowed in your pickup's gun rack.




Ghurka Knife
Does that curved blade look scary? Stubborn little trees and pesky vines will think so, too and practically wither and die soon as they sense your footsteps.

What's particularly useful is that the sheath keeps your ghurka conveniently accessible on a belt loop ... just remember to take it off before leaving the house to start running errands, else you'll get strange stares down at the post office.

Buy two if you possibly can; you'll probably wear the blades out pretty quckly using your ghurkas to pry chewing gum and roofing nails from the bottoms of your shoes.

Japanese Gardening Trowel
This little gem speaks for itself and might even become your new best yard buddy. I like wearing my gardening trowel, ghurka knife and machete all at the same time while sweeping the driveway, walking to the mail box, etc.

Miscellaneous yaRd wArz Essentials

Blade Sharpener: Spyderco 204MF Tri-Angle Sharpmaker System. Accept no substitute, only settle for the best. Warning: may be habit-forming.


Clothes: Light colors attract mosquitos. Always wear dark long pants, a long-sleeved shirt and a hat while battling your yard, and wear a sunscreen with at least a 15 SPF rating.

(Don't ever let me drive by your house and find out you've been wearing shorts and a t-shirt or tank top outside in the yard. Besides the likelihood that I'll snap your picture, make the necessary alterations in PhotoShop and post the results here, please remember that there is no such thing as a suntan. Your skin darkens and "tans" only because it's been irreversibly damaged by exposure to ultraviolet (UV) rays, DNA-altering gamma waves and space radiation arriving from who-knows-where.)

And don't argue "I'd rather look good now than worry about getting old" because you're actually right: Melanoma is the most common form of cancer among people 25-29 years old and is responsible for 75% of all skin cancer deaths. So you might not have to worry about your face looking like a catcher's mitt when you get old, because you won't.

FORBIDDEN ITEMS
1) Gas-powered Leaf Blowers: the most offensive, obnoxious gadget ever invented by man.
2) Lawn mowers with Leaf Bags: use a mulching mower to recycle your grass clippings instead
3) Lawn-n-Leaf Bags: is anything sillier than seeing plastic bags filled with leaves piled up at the curb? Folks who feel compelled to hide their leaves and yard clippings in black bags need an intense anti-OCD intervention, I'm just saying.

Trouble-Free Tuesday Playlist
If I Were A Carpenter - June & Johnny Cash (even I can't act like a meanie all the time :-)