Tack Ain't So Sharp

Today's Playlist:
December Radio [thanks McD!]

Ran into my old friend Timmy "Tack" Sharply yesterday afternoon.

About five years ago Tack's dad, who'd started his own home construction business, retired and turned the reins of Sharply Builders over to Hack. But when I'd called to schedule having some work done here at the house, the Sharply Builders number was disconnected.

I ended up calling another firm instead.

That's why I was surprised to see Tack himself pull up in the driveway ... in a sparkling-new pickup with a "MishMash Builders" magnetic sign on the side.

"Yeah," Tack explained. "Things is slow everywhere, and I ended up closing the office. A man can't make easy money the way my daddy used to. Times have changed, and daddy don't understand that. That's why I'm doing sub-contractor work when I can get it."

I thought I'd heard Tack wrong.

Five years ago with Tack's dad in charge, Sharply Builders had been one of busiest construction companies in the upstate. I looked inside the leather interior of Tack's shiney new 2006 dualie and saw four cell phones, a DVD player, a GPS navigation system ... and fast-food bags piled high on the floorboards.

"Things can't be that bad. That truck must've cost you a bundle," I said.

"Well, my old truck was almost three years old, so last month I traded it in before it started giving me trouble. It had such low mileage the fiance company just rolled my payments and interest over into a single weekly payment.

"And besides, it's a lease so it's not costing me anything ... except property taxes, insurance and repairs and every three years I turn it back in and they'll give me a new one. It was such a good deal I leased new cars for Lucille and the two kids, which they'll need soon as they get their licenses and start driving. In this business the most important thing is to look successful, you know."

I shrugged and asked Tack, "So things have started turning back around?"

Tack shook his head and spat on the ground beside the truck's mag wheel. "I don't see how I keep getting deeper in the hole," Tack added glumly. He sighed, leaned back against the truck and began telling me a little bit more about his life over the past four years.

A month after taking over the family business from his father, Tack had thought it was a good idea to take out a 120% home equity loan on the house his parents had given him, and used half the money to finance the no-money-down real estate empire he intended to build ... after seeing the idea discussed during an infomercial on late-night TV.

"It's made lots of millionaires who didn't know nothing about real estate," Tack explained. "And I figured I could get rich overnight, just like them people they showed on TV."

Tack used the other half of his home's equity to open a combination tanning salon, coffee shop and internet-cafe franchise ... because his wife wanted the prestige of owning her own business.

"Tanning coffee cafes is the latest thing in California," the sales brochure had promised, adding investors can expect to "Make easy money without working or knowing anything."

But a year later, real estate speculators seemed more interested in selling foreclosed houses than they did in buying them, and Tack ended up facing foreclosure on his own foreclosed properties.

Soon after that Tack had to shut down Sharply Builders and lay off all 35 employees, after earning a reputation for disappearing soon as his customers had handed over a 30% deposit "for materials."

But what surprised Tack the most was how few people were interested in sipping cafe au lait while tanning and surfing the web. "People around here is backwards," Tack patiently explained. "In another 10 years I coulda been bigger than MicroSoft."

Without any construction work coming in Tack had lots of free time on his hands, so he decided to buy a new 60" plasma home theater system with giant 12-channel surround speakers. And since money was tight he took advantage of Entertainment n' Stuff's no-money-down financing ... at only 22% interest.

Tack was so thrilled with his purchase that he went back to the dealer and bought new entertainment centers for all three bedrooms.

But watching 10 hours of TV every day got boring ... so Tack upgraded his high-definition satellite TV service and added all the premium channels.

"I saved a fortune by not going out to movies three nights a week," he explained. "And we don't eat out at restaurants no more. Lucille's so tired by the time she gets off work, she just calls in our take-out order and picks supper up on her way home. So we don't spend nothing on tips, either."

Then summer rolled around and Tack got cabin-fever from sitting around the house. So he and Lucille went boat-shopping. He wanted a new cabin cruiser that was bigger and faster than anything their neighbors had, but Lucille wanted something roomy comfortable for holiday weekends ... when they either weren't at their time-share in the mountains or didn't feel like driving to their time-share at the beach.

So they decided to buy both. And the kids wanted a swimming pool because they got sea sick on the boats, so Tack fiananced one of those, too.

I asked how he could afford such expensive purchases if money was so tight. Tack stared back at me and grinned.

"Shoot, I practically get a new credit card in the mail every month, so cash flow ain't no problem. We got one yesterday we already used to pay for a three-week riverboat casino cruise next month. Sometimes I'll even put my church tithe on credit cards."

I asked Tack how he planned to eventually pay off all his bills.

"I got that one licked too, my man. Tonight's Power Ball's up to 30 million dollars. I'm gonna use every penny of the cash advance on the credit cards I took out in the kids' names to buy lottery tickets. I always had good luck with the poker machines, and don't see how I can lose, do you?"

I started wandering back toward the house.

"And if that don't work," Tack went on, scribbling on his clipboard, "we'll move back in the house with mama and them. But only till more jobs start coming in."

Tack showed me the clipboard and tried handing me a pen. "Now soon as you give me a deposit I'll put you on my list to get started."

I shook Tack's hand and told him I'd changed my mind about having the work done. Tack looked insulted, shook his fist at me and muttered something under his breath as he peeled away in a blur of smoking tires.

I hope Tack, Lucille and the kids aren't too picky about his mama's cooking.