The "Little Lie" Lie

Earlier this year I wrote a post mentioning that in our 16-year friendship, B and I have never once had a fight, argument, falling-out or anything even like it. I asked her about that the next time we talked, and after thinking a moment she confirmed Yes, after knowing each other for half of her entire life there's not been a single time either of us snapped back or recoiled in anger, slammed down the phone, administered the silent treatment ... or even raised a voice in the other person's direction.

B and I have been friends through both of our (separate) romantic episodes. Before she got engaged we met for lunch often, had dinner and were alone together occasionally. But even when we were both "unattached and available" there still wasn't one inappropriate word or innuendo to pass between us, not one "little slip-up" or a "Except for that one time" moment in our 16-year history. Nothing ever happened that even comes close.

Since meeting her, knowing and having B as a friend has been too important to risk losing, but there had to be something else that explained how two adults of opposite genders could remain friends for 16 years, without fighting (or disrepecting each other) a single time.

Just took me a long time to figure out what it might be.
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The other day a friend was telling me about some issues he's facing in a romantic relationship with a girl he's been seeing off-and-on for several years. The problem comes down to trust because, from what he told me, she's gotten into the habit of "fudging" the truth a little bit ... especially in situations when lying doesn't even seem worth the trouble.

Little stuff, like where she's going, which girlfriends she's hanging out with, and what time she got home from visiting her folks. Then when confronted with "the evidence," her explanation is usually,"I didn't think it mattered." Which then leads him to ask, "Then why lie instead of just telling the truth ... unless there's something you're hiding?"

Which often leads to a fight, because she just doesn't see the situation the same way.
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Who are you most likely to tell a lie ... your best friend, or your worst enemy? Are you more likely to lie to someone you cherish, respect and hold close, or to someone you despise, disrepect and don't mind pushing away? Which lie hurts you the most ... the one you're told by a friend, or the one you're told by an enemy? But isn't a Lie always a Lie? Every lie carries the same deceptive intention, along with a willingness to disregard and hurt the person standing in its direction.

Not even your worst enemy appreciates being told a lie; they already hate you and expect you to lie. So why lie to a friend in the first place, and merely confirm the worst things your enemies (and former friends) already know?

Telling lies is another way of saying, "You're too stupid to see nothing's more important in my world than me." Telling a lie is the same as shouting into someone's face, "YOU SUCK!"

Why is is that liars can't see that every lie starts with the two lies they tell to themselves: "He/she's too stupid to catch on, so I can get away with it" and "There's a good reason to lie." But it's the liar who never catches on, because a habitual liar is so deceived that they actually believe their own lies ... starting with those first two lies inside their head, the ones they're convinced no one else can possibly know or hear or see being acted out every day in their lives and relationships.
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But the girl in my friend's situation doesn't interpret what she's saying as Lying, or see that what she's doing is dishonest, because she "only does it to keep him from getting mad." She keeps missing the point that Lying is what "makes him mad," and Lying has the side effect of creating suspicion and commitment-killing mistrust as well.

Because if he can't trust her to tell the truth about little insignificant stuff, then how can he possibly trust her to tell the truth when it comes to the big important stuff in a relationship? Sounds like she also hasn't noticed that by the time telling "little white lies" starts to seem so easy, Lying has gone way past being a habit and is showing other people Lying and deception is your way of life.

So take a wild guess what the most-likely person willing to become romantically involved with a Liar is gonna be?

Hmm, that one wasn't as hard figuring out as it seemed.
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After describing several of his previous relationships through the years, my friend turned and asked, "Has there been one woman in your life, a woman who, so far as it's possible for you to know, has never once bent the truth or told you a lie?

"Outside of a casual acquaintance, name one woman who's never lied, and then tried to explain it was because she either changed her mind, or lied and argued it's no big deal or it just wasn't important, or lied to keep from hurting your feelings, or lied because she found something else she wanted to do that night, or made plans with you and then didn't follow through, or told you she'd call you and didn't, or been dating someone behind your back and explained "Oh, he's just a friend"?

Gosh, I'm so used to hearing those things so often by now that I'd forgotten they really are outright deceptions and Lies after all. I felt an uneasy hollowness reach out from my heart as I skimmed through the ragged chapters of former liaisons, girlfriends, relationship fiascoes, bad breakups and disastrous friendships.

It started looking like my friend was right, because they all shared the same recurring theme: Why does telling the truth seem so hard and too much to expect, when there's no reason to lie in the first place? Don't I deserve to be treated better than that?
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Finally I glanced back up and told him my answer. "B's never lied to me."

My friend's mouth literally fell open. He looked shocked, really stunned, and he was firm about demanding to know if I'd stand by that statement ... even if someone held a gun to my head.

"Yeah, I would" ... and that's telling the truth, too.

See, I knew there had to be something that explained how B and I could be friends for 16 years without fighting, screaming, arguing or falling-out a single time: She's never once lied to me ... and I feel pretty sure her unwavering honesty during all that time goes a long way toward explaining the bond and total trust at the core of our friendship.