Let's go church-shopping for Insurance. Just in case.

[parody]

Eternity lasts for an awfully long time: you'll sleep better knowing your investment there is secure.

Let's face facts: lots can go wrong in life between today and the hereafter.   Maybe you've been wondering whether Grace Is Enough ... or do you need a little "Extry" insurance to feel secure and at peace?

Why not play life safe?  Let's go church-shopping and see what kinds of insurance are available, and determine which policy offers the most value and protection: 

Backrow Hell-Fire and Casualty

"Because who knows?  You might've missed something."

This is a traditional policy designed for believers who suspect they're saved, without ever being sure.  They're afraid they might sin (or read from the wrong translation), worry about overlooking some small legalism, and face the fiery furnace for falling short.  Note: each policy renewal requires rededication

Premium: Fluctuates with guilt    Deductible: Basic    Maximum Benefit: Minimum

Hole Life

"Do what Scripture says when you want to, but cover your assets when you have to."

A church-offered policy for today's successful, upscale customer who's interested in protecting their wealth and possesions, yet whose life constantly seems to keep leaking ... from the holes in their faith.  

Premium: Very High    Deductible: N/A    Maximum Benefit: lifetime asset protection

Term Life

"For the part-time believer who wants God there, just in case."

Who's always righteous, and never trips or stumbles?  If you're one of the millions of believers who like having their faith and denying it too, this policy is guaranteed to put a fat happy smile on your face --- and isn't 'Making Me Happy' what life's all about?

Premium: pay when coverage needed   Deductible: always   Maximum Benefit: pays per incident

Good Works and Righteousness Compensation

"Design your own deeds: finally a policy that allows you to save yourself!"

A customized church policy for the believer who wants others knowing he's more saved, worked harder and is more righteous than anyone else.   Insist on having the best: You're in good hands with your own hands.

Premium: custom      Deductible: Custom      Maximum Benefit: Allowed by Law

True Cross, True Shield

The total policy that answers every emergency and fits every need.  Only plan offering Eternal Salvation and Assurance.

Premium: Paid in Full    Deductible: infinite Grace period     Maximum Benefit: YES