It's on Turner Classic Movies right now. Tarzan's not only a wild man ... but he was also the original swinger.
Ah, Africa was simpler back then ... so much more like stock footage, indoor Hollywood sets, Silver Springs and matte paintings than the real thing is today.
Tarzan rocks. He even gets a Tchaikovsky score for the credits crawl.
Not even Elvis had hair as cool as Tarzan's, which makes me think chimpanzees must have some special scissor skills. Tarzan was the ultimate guy ... so what if he couldn't read or use a cell phone?
Tarzan calls elephants with a hillbilly yell, fights hippos, crocodiles, gorillas, man-eating plants, lions and cannibals with only a knife, plus he goes swimming with a prim total babe British aristocrat ... and is still severely environmentally-friendly by commuting to work on swinging vines.
Tarzan's knows how to moisturize his situation.
Cheetah can't touch this. Un-ga-wa, ya'll.
Kinda ironic nobody noticed The King of the Jungle was a white guy wearing a leather diaper.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Kickin'
How was your weekend? Mine was excellent.
Five quick reasons we're gonna kick back tonight, and do nothing but enjoy a one-song playlist til bedtime.
1) Jason had his game on for the 9:30.
2) Lunch with Orp [7/31 Update: I got some questions ...]
3) After watching Ferrari morph into German Grand Prix Dominator, did you stick around for the Porsche 250 Race?
Sure you did ... 'cause you wanted to see 17-year old driving sensation Colin Braun and co-driver Jorg Bergmeister win their second consecutive Rolex Sports Car Series win in the Porsche 250 at Barber Motorsports Park in Alabama.
4) Meg and Ken met Rainey Elizabeth for the very first time. Now Gardner's a big brother, for sure.
5) I learned how to play Bear-In-The-Cave (my cousin's coming tomorrow and she's got dreds, so don't let on. It's gonna be great on YouTube).
Loop The Playlist; repeat as necessary:
I'm Your Captain/Closer to Home - Grand Funk Railroad
Five quick reasons we're gonna kick back tonight, and do nothing but enjoy a one-song playlist til bedtime.
1) Jason had his game on for the 9:30.
2) Lunch with Orp [7/31 Update: I got some questions ...]
3) After watching Ferrari morph into German Grand Prix Dominator, did you stick around for the Porsche 250 Race?
Sure you did ... 'cause you wanted to see 17-year old driving sensation Colin Braun and co-driver Jorg Bergmeister win their second consecutive Rolex Sports Car Series win in the Porsche 250 at Barber Motorsports Park in Alabama.
4) Meg and Ken met Rainey Elizabeth for the very first time. Now Gardner's a big brother, for sure.
5) I learned how to play Bear-In-The-Cave (my cousin's coming tomorrow and she's got dreds, so don't let on. It's gonna be great on YouTube).
Loop The Playlist; repeat as necessary:
I'm Your Captain/Closer to Home - Grand Funk Railroad
Just A German Guess
If you're reading this "live" as it's being posted, chances are you've forgotten that the German Grand Prix is being telecast live from the Hockenheim race course on SpeedTV [speedtv.com] at 8 AM.
Sure, it's not the 1965 version of the Hockenheimring with its long 200mph+ straightaways that claimed the life of racing legend Jim Clark in 1968, much less the classic 14-mile long Nuerburgring with its notorious Nordschleife ("Northern Loop") winding around the Nürburg Castle; the course nicknamed "The Green Hell" by Jackie Stewart is still widely considered the toughest and most demanding race track in the world.
Nürburg Castle
Today's race is likely to be the last Formula 1 event held at the Hockenheimring, as Germany's been reduced to a single Grand Prix on the arduous 18-venue F1 schedule. But rumors are that race organizers are considering combining the two courses sometime in the near future.
Who's gonna win?
Well, it's a German race.
Michael Schumacher's from Germany.
And he's driving a Ferrari.
Your turn to take a wild guess.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
A Personal Note from The Blue Book
What would you rather do ... spend 5 minutes laughing, or 5 minutes getting screamed at for something you've done wrong?
Right. That's why humor is a tool. 99.9% of breathing human beings would rather laugh than get scolded. So I hope you'll keep reading, and be entertained.
What's next are two of the weirdest things in The Blue Book files. Science can't explain either one, but at the end we're gonna venture a guess. So don't skim or skip to the end ... you'll only miss out on some spooky stuff.
That's a promise from The Blue Book.
Weird Thing #1
Psychologists take a group of rats, and randomly divide them into two smaller, identically-sized sub-groups. Then volunteer observers (human beings, duh) are brought into a lab room containing a maze.
The observers are told they'll be observing a group of "dim witted" rats trying to complete the maze. The volunteers are asked to make notes describing how the rats learn to escape the maze.
Then the rats are released, and the observers start scribbling their notes. The first half of the experiment ends when the last rat finishes the maze.
For the second half of the experiment, the scientists bring in the other group of rats.
But this time the observers are told these rats are extremely intelligent, and expected to complete the maze very quickly. Then the rats are released, and the observers start scribbling their notes.
What psychologists learned from the experiment was that the "dim witted" rats completed the maze more slowly than average, and the "intelligent" rats completed the maze more quickly than average.
Yet all the rats came from the same original group.
Weird Thing #2
In the late 1990s scientists at Princeton began assembling data from a group of 41 random number generators [in this case, a random number generator, or RNG, is just a little gadget that does the digital equivalent of tossing a coin, creating a random series of "heads" and "tails" 200 times per second, day in and day out, as long as it's left on] from around the world ... and started keeping track of the results.
(Don't roll your eyes. You're already past the hard part and charging to the finish line.)
As you'd expect, the total number of heads and tails comes out pretty much the same ... an almost identical number of heads and tails.
But then on September 6, 1997, something strange happened. The number generators began throwing billion to one odds of heads sequences. No one could figure out why. It happened again on September 11, 2001. And again on December 26, 2004.
On September 6 1997 Princess Di's funeral was broadcast worldwide on live TV.
On September 11 2001 terrorists attacked the World Trade Center.
On December 26 2004 a psunami in the Indian Ocean killed over 230,000 people.
And the number generators had gone off the scale on those very same days.
Skeptics claim the results are pseudo science and inconclusive, the idea being that the combined mental processes of every human being on the planet somehow forms a "global consciousness" that might be predict, or at least acknowledge in some way, the future.
Gentle Reader, what do you think's going on?
Why did the "dumb" rats finish the maze so much more slowly than the "intelligent" rats ... when all the rats came from the same group?
Why do random number generators start throwing "all heads" during cataclysmic events?
The Blue Book guesses that both perception and expectation actually do affect a given outcome [we'll get into particle/wave issues another time, over coffee]. How or why this happens doesn't matter.
What's important is this: Bad Things will happen to your life when it's carelessly shared with people who only plan, know and do bad things.
You can expect it.
Right. That's why humor is a tool. 99.9% of breathing human beings would rather laugh than get scolded. So I hope you'll keep reading, and be entertained.
What's next are two of the weirdest things in The Blue Book files. Science can't explain either one, but at the end we're gonna venture a guess. So don't skim or skip to the end ... you'll only miss out on some spooky stuff.
That's a promise from The Blue Book.
Weird Thing #1
Psychologists take a group of rats, and randomly divide them into two smaller, identically-sized sub-groups. Then volunteer observers (human beings, duh) are brought into a lab room containing a maze.
The observers are told they'll be observing a group of "dim witted" rats trying to complete the maze. The volunteers are asked to make notes describing how the rats learn to escape the maze.
Then the rats are released, and the observers start scribbling their notes. The first half of the experiment ends when the last rat finishes the maze.
For the second half of the experiment, the scientists bring in the other group of rats.
But this time the observers are told these rats are extremely intelligent, and expected to complete the maze very quickly. Then the rats are released, and the observers start scribbling their notes.
What psychologists learned from the experiment was that the "dim witted" rats completed the maze more slowly than average, and the "intelligent" rats completed the maze more quickly than average.
Yet all the rats came from the same original group.
Weird Thing #2
In the late 1990s scientists at Princeton began assembling data from a group of 41 random number generators [in this case, a random number generator, or RNG, is just a little gadget that does the digital equivalent of tossing a coin, creating a random series of "heads" and "tails" 200 times per second, day in and day out, as long as it's left on] from around the world ... and started keeping track of the results.
(Don't roll your eyes. You're already past the hard part and charging to the finish line.)
As you'd expect, the total number of heads and tails comes out pretty much the same ... an almost identical number of heads and tails.
But then on September 6, 1997, something strange happened. The number generators began throwing billion to one odds of heads sequences. No one could figure out why. It happened again on September 11, 2001. And again on December 26, 2004.
On September 6 1997 Princess Di's funeral was broadcast worldwide on live TV.
On September 11 2001 terrorists attacked the World Trade Center.
On December 26 2004 a psunami in the Indian Ocean killed over 230,000 people.
And the number generators had gone off the scale on those very same days.
Skeptics claim the results are pseudo science and inconclusive, the idea being that the combined mental processes of every human being on the planet somehow forms a "global consciousness" that might be predict, or at least acknowledge in some way, the future.
Gentle Reader, what do you think's going on?
Why did the "dumb" rats finish the maze so much more slowly than the "intelligent" rats ... when all the rats came from the same group?
Why do random number generators start throwing "all heads" during cataclysmic events?
The Blue Book guesses that both perception and expectation actually do affect a given outcome [we'll get into particle/wave issues another time, over coffee]. How or why this happens doesn't matter.
What's important is this: Bad Things will happen to your life when it's carelessly shared with people who only plan, know and do bad things.
You can expect it.
I'm Grateful for Being Pitiful
I'm glad I wasn't called to be a preacher. No, that's not true ... I'm eternally grateful for my lack of gifts.
In fact, I figure not being called to preach is such a huge blessing it'd be selfish if I asked God for any other blessings to make my path easier.
Some people may look at preachers and envy the attention, the authority, and the adulation some receive. But I don't look at it quite that way. I sorta see things the opposite.
I see being a preacher, especially one with a large congregation that's gotten lots of attention within its community, as someone who's answered a calling to carry a super-human burden of responsibility and accountability according to a standard that would find me pitifully inadequate and deficient.
I'd be a weenie preacher, Pastor Pitiful, and I know it.
I realized a long time ago that my gifts are better suited to warming the bench and filling water bottles than they are to calling plays or scoring touchdowns. I'm cool with that, and so long as God is too, then it's a non-issue ... and if the closest I have to get to a pulpit is staring at one then nobody's more thrilled than I am.
Because I couldn't handle the some of the stuff preachers deal with every day. Couldn't do it for an hour, I'm serious.
Stuff like being expected to say the blessing any time more than four people sit down to eat.
Or being called at home in the middle of the night because somebody's kid is in the hospital after playing basketball with a beehive.
I couldn't handle having folks in restaurants watch me eat to find out if preachers chew food the same way ordinary people do. I'd want to growl and start barking at people who kept staring as though they're expecting Moses to suddenly show up and join me for dessert.
And I'd worry about getting my feelings hurt if visitors from other churches didn't like the statue my congregration had erected in my honor.
I'm afraid I'd be hoarse from screaming at gossips Why Don't You People Get A Life?
I'd also have a hard time keeping quiet if I got criticized by older preachers ... especially narrow-minded preachers who'd spent a lifetime in the pulpit, and yet who have no trouble at all sleeping knowing they'll be retiring with a smaller congregation than the one they started off with 50 years ago.
I'd be bald from pulling my hair out every time I heard "You don't preach from The Bible!" from people who'd never once visited my church, but who were somehow experts on my relationship with Christ and what He's done, and is still doing, in my life.
I'm weak in lots of other ways, too.
I'd get headaches from banging my head against the wall, frustrated why members of my congregation didn't stay On Fire 24x7 ... and whether they were "getting it" when it comes to realizing that Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship with the living God.
If I was a preacher I'd start doubting my vision and start getting ulcers after hearing that a need existed that was going unanswered because "it's not in our church budget" to do anything about it.
It'd make me want to spend twenty minutes every Sunday reminding people "You're not going to need a big bank account in Heaven, because all your debts have already been paid. So loosen up those purse strings, brothers and sisters. It's not your money, after all."
But if there was one thing that might make me want to tell God I couldn't keep going, that there's no choice except to throw off my burden and sit down in the dirt to wait for the Rapture, it might be reading Acts and sensing the excitement and conviction that kept Paul going ... and then come across something like this in another book:
"Once a man makes the conversion of sinners his prime design and all-consuming end, he is exceedingly apt to adopt a wrong course. Instead of striving to preach the Truth in all its purity, he will tone it down so as to make it more palatable to the unregenerate. Impelled by a single force, moving in one fixed direction, his object is to make conversion easy, and therefore favorite passages (like John 3:16) are dwelt upon incessantly, while others are ignored or pared away."
--Arthur Pink (1886-1952), Present Day Evangelism
It's gotta make you wonder what battles the enemy's planning and winning while some churches are launching attacks against their own front lines instead.
In fact, I figure not being called to preach is such a huge blessing it'd be selfish if I asked God for any other blessings to make my path easier.
Some people may look at preachers and envy the attention, the authority, and the adulation some receive. But I don't look at it quite that way. I sorta see things the opposite.
I see being a preacher, especially one with a large congregation that's gotten lots of attention within its community, as someone who's answered a calling to carry a super-human burden of responsibility and accountability according to a standard that would find me pitifully inadequate and deficient.
I'd be a weenie preacher, Pastor Pitiful, and I know it.
I realized a long time ago that my gifts are better suited to warming the bench and filling water bottles than they are to calling plays or scoring touchdowns. I'm cool with that, and so long as God is too, then it's a non-issue ... and if the closest I have to get to a pulpit is staring at one then nobody's more thrilled than I am.
Because I couldn't handle the some of the stuff preachers deal with every day. Couldn't do it for an hour, I'm serious.
Stuff like being expected to say the blessing any time more than four people sit down to eat.
Or being called at home in the middle of the night because somebody's kid is in the hospital after playing basketball with a beehive.
I couldn't handle having folks in restaurants watch me eat to find out if preachers chew food the same way ordinary people do. I'd want to growl and start barking at people who kept staring as though they're expecting Moses to suddenly show up and join me for dessert.
And I'd worry about getting my feelings hurt if visitors from other churches didn't like the statue my congregration had erected in my honor.
I'm afraid I'd be hoarse from screaming at gossips Why Don't You People Get A Life?
I'd also have a hard time keeping quiet if I got criticized by older preachers ... especially narrow-minded preachers who'd spent a lifetime in the pulpit, and yet who have no trouble at all sleeping knowing they'll be retiring with a smaller congregation than the one they started off with 50 years ago.
I'd be bald from pulling my hair out every time I heard "You don't preach from The Bible!" from people who'd never once visited my church, but who were somehow experts on my relationship with Christ and what He's done, and is still doing, in my life.
I'm weak in lots of other ways, too.
I'd get headaches from banging my head against the wall, frustrated why members of my congregation didn't stay On Fire 24x7 ... and whether they were "getting it" when it comes to realizing that Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship with the living God.
If I was a preacher I'd start doubting my vision and start getting ulcers after hearing that a need existed that was going unanswered because "it's not in our church budget" to do anything about it.
It'd make me want to spend twenty minutes every Sunday reminding people "You're not going to need a big bank account in Heaven, because all your debts have already been paid. So loosen up those purse strings, brothers and sisters. It's not your money, after all."
But if there was one thing that might make me want to tell God I couldn't keep going, that there's no choice except to throw off my burden and sit down in the dirt to wait for the Rapture, it might be reading Acts and sensing the excitement and conviction that kept Paul going ... and then come across something like this in another book:
"Once a man makes the conversion of sinners his prime design and all-consuming end, he is exceedingly apt to adopt a wrong course. Instead of striving to preach the Truth in all its purity, he will tone it down so as to make it more palatable to the unregenerate. Impelled by a single force, moving in one fixed direction, his object is to make conversion easy, and therefore favorite passages (like John 3:16) are dwelt upon incessantly, while others are ignored or pared away."
--Arthur Pink (1886-1952), Present Day Evangelism
It's gotta make you wonder what battles the enemy's planning and winning while some churches are launching attacks against their own front lines instead.
What good is English? [Russian translation]
Здесь на голубой книге, мы стремимся управлять ясно политических аргумента и аргумент.
Голубая книга знает разницу между неправильны и право, и принимает вы делает, слишком. Вы приходите к голубой книге когда будет временем пнуть назад, извлекайте ваши ботинки, сидеть пожаром и ослабить, удобной знающ вас уже делали отдельно мир с внешним миром.
Голубая книга будет нашей кабиной каникула в стержн-drevesinax.
[ОДОБРЕНО, ровно я получаю снесенным прочь иногда]
В лубом случае, как-то устанавливать английскую язык как "официальныйа язык США" состязательн. Некоторые говорят будет здравыйа смысл, другие говорят он расистск.
Английская язык вероятно не будет обнята как официальныйа язык США в любое время скоро. Вероятно всегда. Тем временем, здесь немного стран которые делают:
Belize
Ботсвана
Южная
Африка
Танзания
Тринидад и Тобаго
Зимбабве
Hong Kong
Индии
Кении
Намибии
Нигерии
Philippines
Singapore
Южная Африка
Английская язык не может быть очень хороша здесь в США, но вокруг мира 402 миллиона говорят их, и только китайско и Hindi имейте больше говорящия на родном языке.
Потому что книга сини любит свой отдел читателей для всех вы фонологические вентиляторы истории, здесь будет заклепывать обзором разделения Поглощать-vanny.
Голубая книга знает разницу между неправильны и право, и принимает вы делает, слишком. Вы приходите к голубой книге когда будет временем пнуть назад, извлекайте ваши ботинки, сидеть пожаром и ослабить, удобной знающ вас уже делали отдельно мир с внешним миром.
Голубая книга будет нашей кабиной каникула в стержн-drevesinax.
[ОДОБРЕНО, ровно я получаю снесенным прочь иногда]
В лубом случае, как-то устанавливать английскую язык как "официальныйа язык США" состязательн. Некоторые говорят будет здравыйа смысл, другие говорят он расистск.
Английская язык вероятно не будет обнята как официальныйа язык США в любое время скоро. Вероятно всегда. Тем временем, здесь немного стран которые делают:
Belize
Ботсвана
Южная
Африка
Танзания
Тринидад и Тобаго
Зимбабве
Hong Kong
Индии
Кении
Намибии
Нигерии
Philippines
Singapore
Южная Африка
Английская язык не может быть очень хороша здесь в США, но вокруг мира 402 миллиона говорят их, и только китайско и Hindi имейте больше говорящия на родном языке.
Потому что книга сини любит свой отдел читателей для всех вы фонологические вентиляторы истории, здесь будет заклепывать обзором разделения Поглощать-vanny.
Friday, July 28, 2006
What good is English?
Here at The Blue Book, we strive to steer clear of political argument and debate.
The Blue Book knows the difference between what's wrong and what's right, and assumes you do, too. You come to The Blue Book whenever it's time to kick back, take off your shoes, sit by the fire and relax, comfortable knowing you've already made a separate peace with the outside world.
The Blue Book is our getaway cabin in the web-woods.
[OK, even I get carried away sometimes]
Anyway, somehow establishing English as the "official language of the USA" is controversial. Some say it's common sense, others say it's racist.
English probably won't be embraced as the official language of the USA any time soon. Probably not ever. In the meantime, here's a few countries that do:
Belize
Botswana
Hong Kong
India
Kenya
Namibia
Nigeria
Philippines
Singapore
South Africa
Tanzania
Trinidad and Tobago
Zimbabwe
English may not be much good here in the USA, but around the world 402 million speak it, and only Chinese and Hindi have more native speakers.
Because The Blue Book Loves Its Readers Department
For all you phonological history fans, here's a riveting overview of The Trap-bath Split.
The Blue Book knows the difference between what's wrong and what's right, and assumes you do, too. You come to The Blue Book whenever it's time to kick back, take off your shoes, sit by the fire and relax, comfortable knowing you've already made a separate peace with the outside world.
The Blue Book is our getaway cabin in the web-woods.
[OK, even I get carried away sometimes]
Anyway, somehow establishing English as the "official language of the USA" is controversial. Some say it's common sense, others say it's racist.
English probably won't be embraced as the official language of the USA any time soon. Probably not ever. In the meantime, here's a few countries that do:
Belize
Botswana
Hong Kong
India
Kenya
Namibia
Nigeria
Philippines
Singapore
South Africa
Tanzania
Trinidad and Tobago
Zimbabwe
English may not be much good here in the USA, but around the world 402 million speak it, and only Chinese and Hindi have more native speakers.
Because The Blue Book Loves Its Readers Department
For all you phonological history fans, here's a riveting overview of The Trap-bath Split.
If Dogs Could Talk
People who've grown especially close to their dogs report having frequent dreams about their pets, including life-like episodes in which their faithful companion suddenly has the ability to talk and express its feelings.
Here's a few things Luke's said in mine:
How come we gotta watch what you wanna watch all the time?
No, why? Do you need to go outside?
Walking around naked all the time is highly over-rated.
Hey! What're you doing in my water bowl?
Not Slamming the Geek
I always look forward to finding the latest X-treme geek catalog waiting in the mailbox.
X-treme geek has a catalog of innovative gadgets and cool tools for those of us who live with one hand glued to a mouse and the other to a hot key.
Most of their products are really awesome ... like a turntable with a USB cable so you can dub your old LPs directly to your hard drive
Here's a Wi-Fi radio that plays web music without requiring any connection to a PC (I'm not sure if Macs can log-on to the web, connect to a network, play music ... or boot-up without crashing).
But a few others left me laughing with the visuals ...
Ipod Illuminated Earbud Cords
Yeah, so you're wearing your illuminated earbud cables next time you're out dancing ... and suddenly Homeland Security shows up, locks the door and quarantines the building ... reacting to "grave concerns" that a toxic radioactive substance somehow found its way into the club's tap water, and turned patrons into phosphorescent human anatomy models.
Uncle John's Inspiring Bathroom Reading
Oh boy. I don't even need to say anything, do I? So I'll pass [Sorry] on this one instead.
Portable Agitating Washing Machine
"Here's an agitator washing machine that is truly portable. You can just pick it up! Long haul truckers and RV enthusiasts will love it and it's ideal for cramped dorm rooms, guest houses or cabins."
Dude! It's called a sheetrock bucket! Go grab the laundry soap, find a broomstick, and get those clothes clean!
Matrix Adapter Adds Multi-Display Capability To Your Laptop
"The Matrox DualHead2Go. It doubles your laptop's existing video out capabilities, providing independent output to two adjacent monitors simultaneously."
That's what I've been waiting for ... now when I'm working wirelessly from the couch I can drop my laptop, spill my coffee, scare Luke senseless, ruin my shirt, run from the room screaming with 3rd degree burns and drop two expensive flat-panel monitors on the floor just by leaning over to scratch my foot.
Technology is amazing, sure.
Friday's Blue Book Fun Trivia Quiz Playlist
When a lei-wearing Elvis impersonator groomsman shows up at your wedding, should you expect Jelly Donuts and Peanut Butter n' Banana sandwiches at a Blue Hawaii-themed reception?
Does the bride do The Twist to "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love" coming down the aisle?
While we're swimming with the visual dolphins, The Blue Book recommends these two Robert Johnson classics:
"Preaching Blues (Up Jumped the Devil)"
"Terraplane Blues"
X-treme geek has a catalog of innovative gadgets and cool tools for those of us who live with one hand glued to a mouse and the other to a hot key.
Most of their products are really awesome ... like a turntable with a USB cable so you can dub your old LPs directly to your hard drive
Here's a Wi-Fi radio that plays web music without requiring any connection to a PC (I'm not sure if Macs can log-on to the web, connect to a network, play music ... or boot-up without crashing).
But a few others left me laughing with the visuals ...
Ipod Illuminated Earbud Cords
Yeah, so you're wearing your illuminated earbud cables next time you're out dancing ... and suddenly Homeland Security shows up, locks the door and quarantines the building ... reacting to "grave concerns" that a toxic radioactive substance somehow found its way into the club's tap water, and turned patrons into phosphorescent human anatomy models.
Uncle John's Inspiring Bathroom Reading
Oh boy. I don't even need to say anything, do I? So I'll pass [Sorry] on this one instead.
Portable Agitating Washing Machine
"Here's an agitator washing machine that is truly portable. You can just pick it up! Long haul truckers and RV enthusiasts will love it and it's ideal for cramped dorm rooms, guest houses or cabins."
Dude! It's called a sheetrock bucket! Go grab the laundry soap, find a broomstick, and get those clothes clean!
Matrix Adapter Adds Multi-Display Capability To Your Laptop
"The Matrox DualHead2Go. It doubles your laptop's existing video out capabilities, providing independent output to two adjacent monitors simultaneously."
That's what I've been waiting for ... now when I'm working wirelessly from the couch I can drop my laptop, spill my coffee, scare Luke senseless, ruin my shirt, run from the room screaming with 3rd degree burns and drop two expensive flat-panel monitors on the floor just by leaning over to scratch my foot.
Technology is amazing, sure.
Friday's Blue Book Fun Trivia Quiz Playlist
When a lei-wearing Elvis impersonator groomsman shows up at your wedding, should you expect Jelly Donuts and Peanut Butter n' Banana sandwiches at a Blue Hawaii-themed reception?
Does the bride do The Twist to "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love" coming down the aisle?
While we're swimming with the visual dolphins, The Blue Book recommends these two Robert Johnson classics:
"Preaching Blues (Up Jumped the Devil)"
"Terraplane Blues"
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Notes on Being A Manager
A few quotes to fall asleep with, from baseball manager Casey Stengel.
"The trick is to keep the guys who hate you away from the ones who haven't made up their minds yet."
"Managing is getting paid for home runs someone else hits."
"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them."
"Most ball games are lost, not won."
"I could'nt done it without my players."
"Good pitching will always stop good hitting, and vice-versa."
Don't cut my throat, I may want to do that later myself."
"The trick is to keep the guys who hate you away from the ones who haven't made up their minds yet."
"Managing is getting paid for home runs someone else hits."
"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them."
"Most ball games are lost, not won."
"I could'nt done it without my players."
"Good pitching will always stop good hitting, and vice-versa."
Don't cut my throat, I may want to do that later myself."
What To Say To Someone Who Realizes They Made A Bad Mistake
Never say "I told you so" to anyone who's at the end of a relationship. Besides sounding insensitive, anybody can quote cliches ...which makes cliches worthless.
Try these instead:
1. A vampire can't come into your house unless you first invite him.
2. You knew it was a snake when you picked it up.
3. Maybe it really is you every time.
4. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.
5. Looking at the big picture, it's all small stuff.
Life is good here inside The Blue Book.
Try these instead:
1. A vampire can't come into your house unless you first invite him.
2. You knew it was a snake when you picked it up.
3. Maybe it really is you every time.
4. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.
5. Looking at the big picture, it's all small stuff.
Life is good here inside The Blue Book.
Where's Tack?
I been thinking about having some work done at the house, routine painting and repairs ... and I try to stick with folks I've already used, especially if they've been in business for a while.
I always used Sharply Builders, but they're not in the phone book anymore. Seems like Mr. Sharply retired 4 or 5 years back but he had a son, "Tack," who was about my age. Not much like his father, but Tack was funny in his own way.
Wish I had some way of getting in touch if they're still in business.
I always used Sharply Builders, but they're not in the phone book anymore. Seems like Mr. Sharply retired 4 or 5 years back but he had a son, "Tack," who was about my age. Not much like his father, but Tack was funny in his own way.
Wish I had some way of getting in touch if they're still in business.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Kiss My Foot, But No Go On Toes?
Let's go ahead and get this outta the way:
On July 11, a 27-year old Boardman Township woman told police she was in a study room at the Boardman branch of the Public Library of Youngstown and Mahoning County about 6 p.m. Tuesday when a man came in and asked if she wanted to participate in his sociology project. Boardman is a suburb of Youngstown, Ohio.
The man, whom she described as 20 to 25 years old with a thin build and black curly hair, told her that he had to kiss people's feet and record their reactions as part of a sociology research experiment.
She relented and he briefly kissed the bottom of her foot, and then without warning he began sucking her toe, according to a police report. She then pulled her foot away and the man asked her reaction to which she replied she was freaked out.
The victim then went to her car and applied hand sanitizer to her foot.
Joseph Colella, 28, of Olde Winter Trail, Poland Township was indicted for gross sexual imposition.
If convicted, he could be sentenced for between six and 18 months incarceration and ordered to pay a fine of up to $5,000.
On July 11, a 27-year old Boardman Township woman told police she was in a study room at the Boardman branch of the Public Library of Youngstown and Mahoning County about 6 p.m. Tuesday when a man came in and asked if she wanted to participate in his sociology project. Boardman is a suburb of Youngstown, Ohio.
The man, whom she described as 20 to 25 years old with a thin build and black curly hair, told her that he had to kiss people's feet and record their reactions as part of a sociology research experiment.
She relented and he briefly kissed the bottom of her foot, and then without warning he began sucking her toe, according to a police report. She then pulled her foot away and the man asked her reaction to which she replied she was freaked out.
The victim then went to her car and applied hand sanitizer to her foot.
Joseph Colella, 28, of Olde Winter Trail, Poland Township was indicted for gross sexual imposition.
If convicted, he could be sentenced for between six and 18 months incarceration and ordered to pay a fine of up to $5,000.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Never In My Life ...
When I started doing The Blue Book last year I wasn't expecting much to come from it.
But a minute ago when I checked the latest web stats from Netcraft, well, you can imagine how shocked I was to see The Blue Book ranked among the top 1000 most popular web sites in the world ... alongside names like Downloadaccelerator.com, Freevideogallery.com and Sony.com!
I can't tell you what it feels like every time I look down at the rankings and see ... wait, hold on a second.
Uh, looks like I missed a couple of zeros in there somewhere. Sorry.
Never mind.
But a minute ago when I checked the latest web stats from Netcraft, well, you can imagine how shocked I was to see The Blue Book ranked among the top 1000 most popular web sites in the world ... alongside names like Downloadaccelerator.com, Freevideogallery.com and Sony.com!
I can't tell you what it feels like every time I look down at the rankings and see ... wait, hold on a second.
Uh, looks like I missed a couple of zeros in there somewhere. Sorry.
Never mind.
SpeedStacker
Sports stacking, wouldn't ya know, started in California as a game to help children improve their coordination.
Sports Stacking involves stacking and unstacking cups.
From its humble origins, Sports Stacking's grown into a competitive sport with divisions including the 3-3-3, the 3-6-3, team relay, Time to Shoot For and the Cycle Stack.
ESPN's airing coverage of the World Sports Stacking Championships on August 21. You can buy Sports Stacking essentials here.
"Stack early. Stack often. Stack fast."
Sports Stacking involves stacking and unstacking cups.
From its humble origins, Sports Stacking's grown into a competitive sport with divisions including the 3-3-3, the 3-6-3, team relay, Time to Shoot For and the Cycle Stack.
ESPN's airing coverage of the World Sports Stacking Championships on August 21. You can buy Sports Stacking essentials here."Stack early. Stack often. Stack fast."
Monday, July 24, 2006
Props to Ken!
I'm crunk about my homie Ken tweakin' his font. Man, that is clean.
Until this morning, my tiny screen meant I looked like this every time I dropped by the AVCLUB. But it's all good now.
ps. Just realized I'm glad I made it through the 90's without ever hearing, Yo, yo, homie Joe!
Until this morning, my tiny screen meant I looked like this every time I dropped by the AVCLUB. But it's all good now.
ps. Just realized I'm glad I made it through the 90's without ever hearing, Yo, yo, homie Joe!
Lady Big Shots
Might be hard to believe that in the days while the US was still waiting for TV and the NBA to be invented, Exhibition Shooting was a wildly popular national sport. What's been almost completely forgotten from those days is the amazing skills of the women.
Next to Annie Oakley, Elizabeth "Plinky" Servantry Topperwein, who performed shooting exhibitions with her husband, Ad, is probably the most famous.
In 1904 the Topperweins performed at the St. Louis World Fair, and later that year she became the first woman to break 100 straight at trap. Plinky went on to shoot 14 consecutive 200 straight in Alabama, and in 1916 she broke 1952 out of 2000 targets in 5 hours and 20 minutes.
That's some kinda shootin'.
Annie Oakley described Plinky as "the greatest shooter of all time."
Plinky retired in the 1920s after giving birth to her only child, and died in San Antonio, Texas in 1945.
Lillian Smith [above] joined Buffalo Bill Cody's Wild West Show at age 15, and was known not only for her shooting skills but also for her flashy outfits ... and for being a "flirt."
Guess ya had to be there.
Next to Annie Oakley, Elizabeth "Plinky" Servantry Topperwein, who performed shooting exhibitions with her husband, Ad, is probably the most famous.
In 1904 the Topperweins performed at the St. Louis World Fair, and later that year she became the first woman to break 100 straight at trap. Plinky went on to shoot 14 consecutive 200 straight in Alabama, and in 1916 she broke 1952 out of 2000 targets in 5 hours and 20 minutes.That's some kinda shootin'.
Annie Oakley described Plinky as "the greatest shooter of all time."
Plinky retired in the 1920s after giving birth to her only child, and died in San Antonio, Texas in 1945.
Lillian Smith [above] joined Buffalo Bill Cody's Wild West Show at age 15, and was known not only for her shooting skills but also for her flashy outfits ... and for being a "flirt."Guess ya had to be there.
Betting on the Future
People love trying to guess and make predictions about what's gonna happen in the future. Here's a web site that lets you Put Up, or Shut Up.
Longbets.org is the web site of the Long Bets Foundation, which "is a public arena for enjoyably competitive predictions, of interest to society, with philanthropic money at stake."
Let's say you believe that in 2007, "a Google search of five keywords or phrases representing the top five news stories of 2007, weblogs will rank higher than the New York Times' Web site."
What you'd do is log on at longbets.org and place a $1000 bet that that prediction will come true. Whether you win or lose, your wager is donated to charity.
I feel pretty confident myself about making two predictions:
1. I predict it's a bad idea to make bets
2. I predict not many people will be placing $1000 bets on Prediction #1
Longbets.org is the web site of the Long Bets Foundation, which "is a public arena for enjoyably competitive predictions, of interest to society, with philanthropic money at stake."
Let's say you believe that in 2007, "a Google search of five keywords or phrases representing the top five news stories of 2007, weblogs will rank higher than the New York Times' Web site."
What you'd do is log on at longbets.org and place a $1000 bet that that prediction will come true. Whether you win or lose, your wager is donated to charity.
I feel pretty confident myself about making two predictions:
1. I predict it's a bad idea to make bets
2. I predict not many people will be placing $1000 bets on Prediction #1
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Petition Power
Wish there was some way of putting a petition together with 10,000 names on it- and ask Ken to use a bigger font. When I squint to read it the letters suddenly turn 3D. Now that I think about it, that's pretty cool.
Never mind ...
Never mind ...
You Can't Teach An Old Dog ...
The only TV I watch any more these days is the news.
(Before I say anything else, rather than risk leaving you with the wrong impression about things, I'll avoid mentioning any names and use a pseudonym for the specific network instead).
Seems like every time I'm watching "The Foxy News Channel" they play that 10-second "Play In" with the barking dog sound bite [sorry] at the end.
Problem is, their dog barks through my rear speakers and doggone it, every time that happens I immediately Run to the Window to find out what's got Luke so upset.
Every time. I still do it. Even if Luke's in the room with me waiting for The Dog Whisperer to come on.
Luke doesn't even lift up his head, he just rolls his eyes and snickers till I settle back down. Man, you'd think I woulda learned by now.
Sometimes I look at Luke, and gotta wonder who's training who.
(Before I say anything else, rather than risk leaving you with the wrong impression about things, I'll avoid mentioning any names and use a pseudonym for the specific network instead).
Seems like every time I'm watching "The Foxy News Channel" they play that 10-second "Play In" with the barking dog sound bite [sorry] at the end.
Problem is, their dog barks through my rear speakers and doggone it, every time that happens I immediately Run to the Window to find out what's got Luke so upset.
Every time. I still do it. Even if Luke's in the room with me waiting for The Dog Whisperer to come on.
Luke doesn't even lift up his head, he just rolls his eyes and snickers till I settle back down. Man, you'd think I woulda learned by now.
Sometimes I look at Luke, and gotta wonder who's training who.
The Amazing Weekly Money Puzzle
Ever noticed when you're worried about going broke and decide to "Fine Tune" your finances by holding off on tithing "to make sure everything else gets caught up with first" ... that somehow everything else only ends up getting even farther behind?
Wonder what's up with that?
Wonder what's up with that?
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Today Belongs to Brookers
Folks, making videos is hard. Just ask Ken or DJ how many days, or even weeks, it can take to complete a 4-minute piece.
When showtime comes around it's literally a matter of "Ready or not, let's see what you got." And when it's your work on the screen it's easy to feel like you're watching a newly-born foal trying to stand on its own feet for the first time.
Other times you gotta take a deep breath ... and hope viewers don't start throwing seat cushions.
Posting videos at YouTube.com can earn a would-be filmmaker either almost instant acclaim or thousands of blisteringly negative reviews. That's why Brookers deserves mention.
Love her or hate her, Brookers is a 20-year old auteur from Worcester, Massachusetts who's created her own phenomena with nothing more than a web cam, a silly grin and a small galaxy of imagination.
Here's the first video that got the YouTube world buzzing about Brookers.
When showtime comes around it's literally a matter of "Ready or not, let's see what you got." And when it's your work on the screen it's easy to feel like you're watching a newly-born foal trying to stand on its own feet for the first time.
Other times you gotta take a deep breath ... and hope viewers don't start throwing seat cushions.
Posting videos at YouTube.com can earn a would-be filmmaker either almost instant acclaim or thousands of blisteringly negative reviews. That's why Brookers deserves mention.
Love her or hate her, Brookers is a 20-year old auteur from Worcester, Massachusetts who's created her own phenomena with nothing more than a web cam, a silly grin and a small galaxy of imagination.
Here's the first video that got the YouTube world buzzing about Brookers.
Elephant Kills TN Sanctuary Worker
From USA Today 7/21/2006
Elephant kills handler in Tennessee sanctuary
It is unclear what will happen to the elephant now."
Let's hope nothing "happens" to Winkie. According to a spokesman for the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency, Winkie has an eye injury on the same side of her head where the the woman was standing when the attack began.
This is Winkie, from The Elephant Sanctuary web site.
This from Monday July 17, 2006 at The Blue Book.
Elephant kills handler in Tennessee sanctuary
"A 36-year-old woman whose love for pachyderms led her from her native Maine to rural Lewis County, Tenn., was attacked and killed Friday morning at a preserve for aging elephants, authorities said.
Also, a man who handles the 22 Asian and African elephants at The Elephant Sanctuary was injured and hospitalized late Friday at Maury Regional Medical Center in Columbia, Tenn.
The aggressor was Winkie, a 40-year-old female Asian elephant who has been at the sanctuary for six years and who has a history of attacking humans who worked with her.
Also, a man who handles the 22 Asian and African elephants at The Elephant Sanctuary was injured and hospitalized late Friday at Maury Regional Medical Center in Columbia, Tenn.
The aggressor was Winkie, a 40-year-old female Asian elephant who has been at the sanctuary for six years and who has a history of attacking humans who worked with her.
It is unclear what will happen to the elephant now."
Let's hope nothing "happens" to Winkie. According to a spokesman for the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency, Winkie has an eye injury on the same side of her head where the the woman was standing when the attack began.
This is Winkie, from The Elephant Sanctuary web site.
This from Monday July 17, 2006 at The Blue Book.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Cheap Share A Ton Endorsement
Here at The Blue Book, we never want to cow-tow to parasitic corporate interests. And we're not gonna do it now. The Blue Book doesn't sell itself out to The Man for cheap profit.
BUT!
The oh-so-yes-say-so Sheraton "We Belong" TV Commercial!
Have you seen it? (Vote Yes [ ] No [ ] )
It's a commercial straight from the daydreams of The Blue Book, which means Luke and I fall on the floor simultaneously and start scratching (fleas) everytime it comes on.
25?
Because (A) It's got a Ridgeback near the opening (b) The "We Belong" version's better than Benatar (c) Long hair works, Long Hair works good (d) unrelated: But dreds are better
BUT!
The oh-so-yes-say-so Sheraton "We Belong" TV Commercial!
Have you seen it? (Vote Yes [ ] No [ ] )
It's a commercial straight from the daydreams of The Blue Book, which means Luke and I fall on the floor simultaneously and start scratching (fleas) everytime it comes on.
25?
Because (A) It's got a Ridgeback near the opening (b) The "We Belong" version's better than Benatar (c) Long hair works, Long Hair works good (d) unrelated: But dreds are better
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Less than 7% of communication is verbal
"I've been to the Egyptian Theater in Los Angeles and the Ziegfeld in New York. Both theaters combined would not be nearly as beautiful as the shimmering Tampa Theatre." -Born Jaded
For your approval ...
Here's the NPR show about the Wurlitzer organ at The Tampa Theater. Actually includes what it sounds like, so see whatcha think.
Yes, yes ... YES!!!
Yes, yes ... YES!!!
Behold the Mighty Wurlitzer
Saturday morning on NPR I got a chance to hear this Wurlitzer in action. Supposedly it's only one of three of its kind in the world.The magnificent 3 manual, 14 rank instrument organ at The Tampa Theater sits atop a wood platform that originally rose from beneath the stage floor once the organist started playing.
The Wurlitzer's still used today. Check out the pipes.
Oh Mama, now that's a keyboard!
I spent more than a few Saturday mornings entranced by double-features at The Tampa Theater when I was a kid, but the Wurlitzer wasn't fired up for childrens' matinees, and I've never heard it played in person.
That's the thing about memories and magical places. Once they stick, they stay with ya a long long time. One day I'll go back, and hear the Wurlitzer live.
Some photos of The Tampa Theater.
Web's Funniest Site?
Check out TheOnion.com if you haven't already.
Monday night's edition had me crying, gagging, holding my sides and choking from laughing so hard. I had to force myself to stop reading it and look away from the screen ... before anything happened I couldn't control.
Monday night's edition had me crying, gagging, holding my sides and choking from laughing so hard. I had to force myself to stop reading it and look away from the screen ... before anything happened I couldn't control.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Gonna Want One?
-- Part 7 (conclusion) --
Welcome to The Happy Helmet
Movie theaters will become obsolete much sooner than we think. So will CDs, DVDs, MP3 players, big screen TVs and home theater systems.
Books will vanish before that, and nutty, unsafe behavior like space exploration, automobile racing, sky diving, bungi jumping and mountain climbing will also have disappeared ... due to lack of interest.
The internet will have vanished, and Ipods and portable DVD players will seem like leftovers from the Stone Age compared to what's coming next.
Technology will have created something that's better than anything you can imagine, an experience more new, improved and exciting than the original.
And every one of us will be convinced we can't live without one.
What the heck am I talking about?
The Totally Awesome Entertaining and Simulated Life Happy Helmet!
You might start seeing ads like this:
Imagine watching hallucination-quality movies packed full of stunning 3D action and special effects thrills ... as though reality's happening right before your eyes! Imagine uncompressed skull-rattling surround sound so real you can feel it!
Imagine having all of life's experiences at your disposal- just waiting for your indulgence!
Only slightly larger than a conventional motorcycle helmet, once you've tried on The Happy Helmet you won't even notice it's there. You'll almost start wondering how you lived without one- But no you won't ... because your Happy Helmet experience will already be underway!
But The Happy Helmet doesn't just do movies, music and video games!
The Happy Helmet offers a comprehensive library of experiences, emotions and relationship simulations... ready whenever you need one!
Forget About Imagination! With the touch of a button you can:
-Conquer New Challenges ... from your couch!
-Feel what it's like to climb Mount Everest in total comfort and safety!
-Drive and win exciting NASCAR races! Crash all you want without risking hospitalization or injury!
-Be the winning quarterback in the Super Bowl ... and score all you want!
-Put yourself in life-like real combat with the latest new action games like World War III: Mid-East Meltdown!, Korean Nuclear Exchange! and Borderline: Terror Time in Texas!
Optional Happy Helmet Romance Package Firmware Upgrade Offer:
-If your current marriage is dull and boring, why not try spending a new honeymoon in Paris with Angelina? Inside The Happy Helmet is better than being there!
-Need Even More? If Angelina starts getting on your nerves, just change channels and do Las Vegas Jessica Biel-style any time you're ready!
-(Happy Helmet for Women includes Nick Lachey, Matthew McConaughey and Patrick Dempsey ... with no additional service charges or late fees!)
Thousands of testimonials from satisfied owners all say identically the same thing word for word: Life inside The Happy Helmet is indistinguishable from actually being alive! ... (and not just because we've wired them to think so, we promise!)
Real Life Will Never Be The Same! Order Yours Now!
Notice: Routine hygiene maintenance care by a trained professional strongly recommended.
If The Happy Helmet has a catch, it's gonna be that once you've put it on, The Happy Helmet can't come off.
Not ever, because the interface requires surgical attachment to the brain stem. But wearing the helmet 24x7 won't be a problem, because a heavy duty feed bag (included) will guarantee you'll stay nourished, full and happy ... without ever having to interrupt your entertainment experience.
Let's hope the first run of Happy Helmets don't get shipped with defective backup batteries. Just in case the electricity ever goes out, or somebody forgets to pay the power bill.
Welcome to The Happy Helmet
Movie theaters will become obsolete much sooner than we think. So will CDs, DVDs, MP3 players, big screen TVs and home theater systems.
Books will vanish before that, and nutty, unsafe behavior like space exploration, automobile racing, sky diving, bungi jumping and mountain climbing will also have disappeared ... due to lack of interest.
The internet will have vanished, and Ipods and portable DVD players will seem like leftovers from the Stone Age compared to what's coming next.
Technology will have created something that's better than anything you can imagine, an experience more new, improved and exciting than the original.
And every one of us will be convinced we can't live without one.
What the heck am I talking about?
The Totally Awesome Entertaining and Simulated Life Happy Helmet!
You might start seeing ads like this:
Imagine watching hallucination-quality movies packed full of stunning 3D action and special effects thrills ... as though reality's happening right before your eyes! Imagine uncompressed skull-rattling surround sound so real you can feel it!
Imagine having all of life's experiences at your disposal- just waiting for your indulgence!
Only slightly larger than a conventional motorcycle helmet, once you've tried on The Happy Helmet you won't even notice it's there. You'll almost start wondering how you lived without one- But no you won't ... because your Happy Helmet experience will already be underway!
But The Happy Helmet doesn't just do movies, music and video games!
The Happy Helmet offers a comprehensive library of experiences, emotions and relationship simulations... ready whenever you need one!
Forget About Imagination! With the touch of a button you can:
-Conquer New Challenges ... from your couch!
-Feel what it's like to climb Mount Everest in total comfort and safety!
-Drive and win exciting NASCAR races! Crash all you want without risking hospitalization or injury!
-Be the winning quarterback in the Super Bowl ... and score all you want!
-Put yourself in life-like real combat with the latest new action games like World War III: Mid-East Meltdown!, Korean Nuclear Exchange! and Borderline: Terror Time in Texas!
Optional Happy Helmet Romance Package Firmware Upgrade Offer:
-If your current marriage is dull and boring, why not try spending a new honeymoon in Paris with Angelina? Inside The Happy Helmet is better than being there!
-Need Even More? If Angelina starts getting on your nerves, just change channels and do Las Vegas Jessica Biel-style any time you're ready!
-(Happy Helmet for Women includes Nick Lachey, Matthew McConaughey and Patrick Dempsey ... with no additional service charges or late fees!)
Thousands of testimonials from satisfied owners all say identically the same thing word for word: Life inside The Happy Helmet is indistinguishable from actually being alive! ... (and not just because we've wired them to think so, we promise!)
Real Life Will Never Be The Same! Order Yours Now!
Notice: Routine hygiene maintenance care by a trained professional strongly recommended.
If The Happy Helmet has a catch, it's gonna be that once you've put it on, The Happy Helmet can't come off.
Not ever, because the interface requires surgical attachment to the brain stem. But wearing the helmet 24x7 won't be a problem, because a heavy duty feed bag (included) will guarantee you'll stay nourished, full and happy ... without ever having to interrupt your entertainment experience.
Let's hope the first run of Happy Helmets don't get shipped with defective backup batteries. Just in case the electricity ever goes out, or somebody forgets to pay the power bill.
Know Your Toads!
This is a Cane Toad.
A Cane Toad responds to threats by oozing venom from its glands toward potential attackers. Cane Toads can also squirt a fine spray for a short distances. Cane Toad venom is strong enough to kill crocodiles.
While there are no recorded human deaths resulting from contact with oozing Cane Toad venom glands, don't eat Cane Toads or use their eggs in your favorite Toad Egg Soup recipe. People have died after eating toads , and also from eating soup made from toad eggs.
Now they tell us.
A Cane Toad responds to threats by oozing venom from its glands toward potential attackers. Cane Toads can also squirt a fine spray for a short distances. Cane Toad venom is strong enough to kill crocodiles.
While there are no recorded human deaths resulting from contact with oozing Cane Toad venom glands, don't eat Cane Toads or use their eggs in your favorite Toad Egg Soup recipe. People have died after eating toads , and also from eating soup made from toad eggs.
Now they tell us.
Tech How To: Install links on a Mac
This simple solution solves all the annoying problems most owners encounter after powering-up their Macs. Try this quick fix ... it works!
1. Buy two (2) 3/8" quick-links at the local hardware store.
2. While you're there, pick up 150 feet of galvanized chain. And a 2" drill bit.
3. Use the bit to drill one 2" hole in each component, beginning with your keyboard. Continue by drilling one hole each in your Mac's chassis, monitor stand and whatever peripherals were included. Now ease the chain through the holes you just drilled.
4. Use one quick-link to form a closed loop securing your Mac on one end of the chain. Use the remaining quick-link to attach the free end of the chain to a suitable cleat on the boat.
5. Upon arriving at a depth suitable for anchoring, simply slip your Mac over the side.
This is one task that Macs perform perfectly every time!
:-) Please don't get mad at me for always cracking on Macs. I tried hiking the Apple Trail, really I did ... but a $6000 total loss that left only a medley of deep-fried apple parts means I'm just having a hard time getting accustomed to being a Macasualty. Have pity instead ...:-)
1. Buy two (2) 3/8" quick-links at the local hardware store.
2. While you're there, pick up 150 feet of galvanized chain. And a 2" drill bit.
3. Use the bit to drill one 2" hole in each component, beginning with your keyboard. Continue by drilling one hole each in your Mac's chassis, monitor stand and whatever peripherals were included. Now ease the chain through the holes you just drilled.
4. Use one quick-link to form a closed loop securing your Mac on one end of the chain. Use the remaining quick-link to attach the free end of the chain to a suitable cleat on the boat.
5. Upon arriving at a depth suitable for anchoring, simply slip your Mac over the side.
This is one task that Macs perform perfectly every time!
:-) Please don't get mad at me for always cracking on Macs. I tried hiking the Apple Trail, really I did ... but a $6000 total loss that left only a medley of deep-fried apple parts means I'm just having a hard time getting accustomed to being a Macasualty. Have pity instead ...:-)
Time Flies
Some recent purchases that stick in my mind:
The Last Time I Went To A Movie: 4 years ago
Walked out of 2002's Insomnia. Dreadfully dreadful, even without comparing it to the excellent original. Being directed by the guy who did Memento didn't help.
Prior to that, I'd worked 2 years for Lucas Films doing exhibitor evaluations (they're the guys who check movie prints for stuff like scratches, bad splices, uniform color and print quality, THX sound presentation, and projector focus, brightness & clarity) and ended up being spoiled by seeing movies for free.
I'd been walking out of 3 of every 4 movies I'd paid for, and got tired of volunteering to be ripped off. Also I hated paying four bucks for popcorn, two bucks for a Diet Coke and feeling uggy after eating 3 refills.
Now I do Netflix, and never looked back.
The Last CD I Bought: 3 years ago
The Allman Brothers Live at the Atlanta International Pop Festival
I fretted and frowned for almost two weeks before finally bucking up and handing over the change for this two-disc set at Circuit City.
Then I got home and the CD case was empty. That's right no discs, thanks I guess to a crafty shoplifter who got the case open before I did. Financial bummer, and I never did get over it. In any case I never bought another CD.
The Last Shirt I Bought: 3 years ago
A Willis & Geiger single eagle (black label) bush cotton long sleeved shirt on Ebay. Probably already 20 years old when I got it, still my very favorite. Still proves nobody makes 'em like they used to.
The Last Pair of Pants I Bought: almost 4 years go
A pair of Willis & Geiger single eagle (black label) bush cotton shorts, also from Ebay. Kinda baggy, but then never meant to be fashionable. Built to last. They're older than Johnny Depp so I guess they have.
The Last Time I Went Out to Dinner: more than 2 years ago
At Nami's out at the marina. Excellent as always, but once you get outta the habit of going out to dinner you realize it was a habit after all.
The Last Time An Elephant Was Born In A US Zoo
Yesterday, July 18, at the Dickerson Zoo in Springfield, Missouri.
Shouldn't make any difference she's not African, but it does. Even though Asian elephants remind me of dairy cows with tusks, I still feel awful about saying it. A great African elephant wav file by clicking here.
Turn your speaks up, close your eyes and imagine he's glaring down at ya from 20 feet away. No point even trying to run, not really.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Notes On Critical Question #3
--Part 5--
Denying Imagination
Everytime I meet a commercial airline pilot I gotta ask, "Have you ever seen a UFO?"
Nope , I've never seen one and don't believe they exist. But I always look forward to hearing an interesting or unusual answer.
I used to regularly ask people I'd recently met a question after describing the following scenario:
A friend asks you to drive him in his car to the airport and drop him off. Which you then do, and return back to his house to pick up your car.
But after arriving at his house you notice one of the rear tires is almost flat. Being a conscientious friend, you decide to change the tire as a favor, and unlock the trunk to take out the spare tire.
Inside the trunk you find bundles of used, unmarked $1000 bills. It's impossible to guess how much cash is staring you in the face ... but it's definitely more than you could easily carry off with four trips in a wheelbarrow.
So here's the question: How much cash would you have to find in the trunk that would cause you to pack the entire amount into suitcases, drive straight to the airport and start buying plane tickets, and turn your back forever on every facet of your present life?
That unconditionally means NO more contact ever with your husband, wife, girlfriend, children, family and friends. Absolutely none ... because any traceable connection between you and them might cause harm to come to you both. And there are NO exceptions to this condition!
And no, you can't change the rules either by donating all the money to charity, or sharing it with your sister, because it's not your money to begin with. This is an all-or-nothing proposition.
I got a wide range of answers over the years. One of the ones I remember best came from the husband (of a woman who heard the question at the same time) who, without hesitating a moment, simply shouted, "Forty-five thousand dollars!" Thing is, he was serious.
And no, they aren't married any more.
Folks who tended to answer "No amount of money! None!" even before they'd had time to think about the question simply revealed that they were obviously trapped, and that a protective switch inside their brain had clicked that protected them from punishing themselves by entertaining any possibility of flight and freedom.
The more realistic answers ranged from several hundred thousand to several hundred million dollars. The haggling point, in most peoples' minds, was establishing a price for trading family and relationships for cash.
Several folks said it was a stupid question and wouldn't answer, afraid somehow of being tricked.
No, there's no trick or mysterious point hiding behind the question. Not so far as I know. I only mention it here because some people have a difficult time imagining how they'd deal with situations they haven't already experienced that might require them to make extremely difficult decisions.
And they can't imagine that ever happening.
PS. In case you're wondering "What was Critical Question #2?" this is it:
If you could transport yourself back in time to any specific historical day, what date would you chose?
PSS. If you don't already know Critical Question #1 please e-mail me, and let's talk.
--next Part 6 (Conclusion) --
Puttin' On the Helmet Feedbag
Denying Imagination
Everytime I meet a commercial airline pilot I gotta ask, "Have you ever seen a UFO?"
Nope , I've never seen one and don't believe they exist. But I always look forward to hearing an interesting or unusual answer.
I used to regularly ask people I'd recently met a question after describing the following scenario:
A friend asks you to drive him in his car to the airport and drop him off. Which you then do, and return back to his house to pick up your car.
But after arriving at his house you notice one of the rear tires is almost flat. Being a conscientious friend, you decide to change the tire as a favor, and unlock the trunk to take out the spare tire.
Inside the trunk you find bundles of used, unmarked $1000 bills. It's impossible to guess how much cash is staring you in the face ... but it's definitely more than you could easily carry off with four trips in a wheelbarrow.
So here's the question: How much cash would you have to find in the trunk that would cause you to pack the entire amount into suitcases, drive straight to the airport and start buying plane tickets, and turn your back forever on every facet of your present life?
That unconditionally means NO more contact ever with your husband, wife, girlfriend, children, family and friends. Absolutely none ... because any traceable connection between you and them might cause harm to come to you both. And there are NO exceptions to this condition!
And no, you can't change the rules either by donating all the money to charity, or sharing it with your sister, because it's not your money to begin with. This is an all-or-nothing proposition.
I got a wide range of answers over the years. One of the ones I remember best came from the husband (of a woman who heard the question at the same time) who, without hesitating a moment, simply shouted, "Forty-five thousand dollars!" Thing is, he was serious.
And no, they aren't married any more.
Folks who tended to answer "No amount of money! None!" even before they'd had time to think about the question simply revealed that they were obviously trapped, and that a protective switch inside their brain had clicked that protected them from punishing themselves by entertaining any possibility of flight and freedom.
The more realistic answers ranged from several hundred thousand to several hundred million dollars. The haggling point, in most peoples' minds, was establishing a price for trading family and relationships for cash.
Several folks said it was a stupid question and wouldn't answer, afraid somehow of being tricked.
No, there's no trick or mysterious point hiding behind the question. Not so far as I know. I only mention it here because some people have a difficult time imagining how they'd deal with situations they haven't already experienced that might require them to make extremely difficult decisions.
And they can't imagine that ever happening.
PS. In case you're wondering "What was Critical Question #2?" this is it:
If you could transport yourself back in time to any specific historical day, what date would you chose?
PSS. If you don't already know Critical Question #1 please e-mail me, and let's talk.
--next Part 6 (Conclusion) --
Puttin' On the Helmet Feedbag
Time Alone with the Single Ladies
A heart is not a play thing
a heart is not a toy,
but if you want it broken
just give it to a boy.
Boys never give their hearts away
They play the girls for fools.
They wait until girls give their hearts
and then they play it cool.
So when you think that you're in love
be careful if you can.
Before you give your heart away
make sure that he's a man.
--Yeah baby!!
Wish I could take credit for that, but the truth is I lifted it (and slightly changed lines) from Pink Cosmopolitan on the Right
a heart is not a toy,
but if you want it broken
just give it to a boy.
Boys never give their hearts away
They play the girls for fools.
They wait until girls give their hearts
and then they play it cool.
So when you think that you're in love
be careful if you can.
Before you give your heart away
make sure that he's a man.
--Yeah baby!!
Wish I could take credit for that, but the truth is I lifted it (and slightly changed lines) from Pink Cosmopolitan on the Right
Notes On Dissin' Experience
--Part 4--
I Only Like What I Already Know
What stunned me most during film school was learning that your local theater makes no money, I mean Zero, zilch, nada, sifuri ... from selling you $9 admission tickets.
What?! How is that possible?
Because your local theater pays 100% of your ticket back to the distributor in movie rental fees.
Then how do theaters stay in business?
By selling you popcorn, soft drinks and frozen Milky Ways.
But you already knew that. Didn't ya?
Hollywood studios only make movies according to how much popcorn they're expected to sell. So I don't have to keep on explaining why so many movies today ARE SO STUPID and aren't worth watching.
So what? Look, I only go to movies to be entertained and have a good time.
I have no problem with that. But would you consider watching a silent or foreign movie sometime, to see what they're like?
No! That's stupid.
Whaaa? You're reading a blog, but ya won't try reading a movie? Not even once?
-- next Part 5 --
Critical Question #3
(By the way, the popcorn stand's in the lobby ...)
I Only Like What I Already Know
What stunned me most during film school was learning that your local theater makes no money, I mean Zero, zilch, nada, sifuri ... from selling you $9 admission tickets.
What?! How is that possible?
Because your local theater pays 100% of your ticket back to the distributor in movie rental fees.
Then how do theaters stay in business?
By selling you popcorn, soft drinks and frozen Milky Ways.
But you already knew that. Didn't ya?
Hollywood studios only make movies according to how much popcorn they're expected to sell. So I don't have to keep on explaining why so many movies today ARE SO STUPID and aren't worth watching.
So what? Look, I only go to movies to be entertained and have a good time.
I have no problem with that. But would you consider watching a silent or foreign movie sometime, to see what they're like?
No! That's stupid.
Whaaa? You're reading a blog, but ya won't try reading a movie? Not even once?
-- next Part 5 --
Critical Question #3
(By the way, the popcorn stand's in the lobby ...)
Notes on Living in Wonderland
Part 3:
Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
... or would somebody please change the channel.
If US military theorists learned one lesson from the Viet Nam War, it surely was that the US must fight strategically to achieve a convincing military victory quickly and avoid becoming engaged in a prolonged and indeterminate ground war. Otherwise, the domestic situation starts getting kinda hinky back home.
Thus a new strategy emerged: Hit hard, hit fast and win convincingly with an overwhelming show of force.
Rapid technological advances in sophisticated weapon systems like satellite and GPS-guided smart bombs, armed drones and cruise missiles seemed tailor made to complement this new form of sanitized warfare.
This was the concept behind "Shock and Awe" in Iraq. No matter where you stand politically, it's simply a fact that the US military's stunning defeat of the Iraqi Army was nearly textbook perfect in its effectiveness.
But during the years while the Pentagon was learning from its Viet Nam mistakes and re-writing our strategies, insurgent groups around the world were also evaluating what the US did wrong in Viet Nam ... with one difference: insurgents were scribbling notes in the margins detailing what the Viet Cong did right, and learned to avoid engaging superior forces; that the way to wage war was in the streets, and at times and places of their own choosing.
That's why it wasn't long after declaring Total Victory that the Pentagon experienced an Uh-Oh moment.
If we'd won the war so spectacularly, then why hadn't all the fighting stopped?
The problem is that in our hurry to win quickly and cleanly, we forgot all about winning completely: although we targeted and destroyed "high value" strategic military targets (like airfields, government offices, and military bases) we did little to engage and destroy the enemy's will to fight.
If "Shock and Awe" fell a bit short of its mark the reason had little to do with the US military: the American people simply will not stand for seeing Iraqi cities like Baghdad, Falluja and Karbala bombed and machine-gunned to dung heaps the same way German and Japanese cities were carpet- and fire-bombed to gravel and ash during World War II.
Our military leaders know we don't have the stomach for it. And maybe that means we don't have the nerve to do what it takes to win a war.
Yet there's another, even more revealing explanation behind the Pentagon's love affair with smart bombs, surgical air strikes and "contained warfare": They believed that by achieving a series of quick tactical victories we would achieve a comprehensive strategic victory and avoid the possibility that massive troop deployments might be necessary to occupy and oversee Iraq's reconstruction.
In other words, our leaders went to war handicapped by the reality that political suicide was inevitable if our armed forces became involved in a prolonged conflict in Iraq that would require reinstating the Draft.
The Draft? Are you serious?
The truth is that we've become so seduced and in love with the romance of fighting bloodless, gallant wars of principle with sophisticated weapon systems that we actually believe real combat must be exactly like combat in video games. And we don't understand why the war in Iraq can't be fought and won the same way.
We want to fight all our wars with technology, because people like you and me don't get shot at or die in video games.
But terrorists fight with real bullets, blow up real car bombs and cut off real people's heads.
That's why it's easy now to blame Bush for "starting" an unnecessary war and causing trouble, and why some politicians have demanded an immediate timetable for withdrawl. They wanna see the Game Over! screen start flashing right now.
But aren't Iraq and Iran so far away that their antics should hardly concern us? Wouldn't the world be a safer place if we just pulled out and brought our troops home?
I'll bet 98% of Americans couldn't find Afghanistan, Azerbaijan, Bahrain, Brunei, Somalia, Malaysia or Indonesia on a map if that's all they had to do to win a billion dollars. Yet each of these countries face daily terror threats from Islamic insurgents, and they're only a handful of the countries you should already be familiar with to be aware of the potential danger to our way of life they represent
We're talking billions of Muslims worldwide, and the Qur'an and Muslim Hadith are the only sacred writings in existence that encourage followers to make war on unbelievers.
We don't wanna dwell too much on tough issues like that because we've never had to deal with unpleasant stuff (including the possibility of being drafted) before. Our idea of a grueling, nightmarish day means spending 40 minutes on the phone waiting for tech support. Or having to wait too long at the drive-through.
We want to forget that fundamentalist Islam teaches young men that slaughtering infidels like Christians is their only guarantee of entering Paradise. Compared to American Idol that kind of mind-set seems too strange, too 8th Century and too totally weird to be taken seriously.
In the meantime, while American men are focused on financing new cars, dating and downloadable porn, Islamic terrorists are focused on the 72 virgins they're expecting to receive in Paradise.
So long as we're living in denial mode, let's also deny that last week North Korea launched a 3-stage rocket capable of delivering Kim Jong il's nuclear warheads to almost anywhere within the continental United States, and that Iran has publicly declared its intentions of acquiring nuclear weapons and using them to incinerate Israel ... wouldn't ya know ... to fulfill an Islamic prophecy.
Earlier this week Former Speaker of the US House Newt Gingrich wrote that with Hezbollah's unprovoked rocket attacks on Israel, we're witnessing the start of World War III.
Nah, that can't possibly be true. The only thing I want to know is How Much Longer Before the Stock Market Goes Up and Gas Prices Come Down. I'll deal with the rest of the world when it gets here, but in the meantime all I wanna see is Lil Kim bustin' out! GOOD TIMES!
Life's too good here in Wonderland to pay much attention to anything else.
-- next Part 4: The Irrelevance of Experience
Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
... or would somebody please change the channel.
If US military theorists learned one lesson from the Viet Nam War, it surely was that the US must fight strategically to achieve a convincing military victory quickly and avoid becoming engaged in a prolonged and indeterminate ground war. Otherwise, the domestic situation starts getting kinda hinky back home.
Thus a new strategy emerged: Hit hard, hit fast and win convincingly with an overwhelming show of force.
Rapid technological advances in sophisticated weapon systems like satellite and GPS-guided smart bombs, armed drones and cruise missiles seemed tailor made to complement this new form of sanitized warfare.
This was the concept behind "Shock and Awe" in Iraq. No matter where you stand politically, it's simply a fact that the US military's stunning defeat of the Iraqi Army was nearly textbook perfect in its effectiveness.
But during the years while the Pentagon was learning from its Viet Nam mistakes and re-writing our strategies, insurgent groups around the world were also evaluating what the US did wrong in Viet Nam ... with one difference: insurgents were scribbling notes in the margins detailing what the Viet Cong did right, and learned to avoid engaging superior forces; that the way to wage war was in the streets, and at times and places of their own choosing.
That's why it wasn't long after declaring Total Victory that the Pentagon experienced an Uh-Oh moment.
If we'd won the war so spectacularly, then why hadn't all the fighting stopped?
The problem is that in our hurry to win quickly and cleanly, we forgot all about winning completely: although we targeted and destroyed "high value" strategic military targets (like airfields, government offices, and military bases) we did little to engage and destroy the enemy's will to fight.
If "Shock and Awe" fell a bit short of its mark the reason had little to do with the US military: the American people simply will not stand for seeing Iraqi cities like Baghdad, Falluja and Karbala bombed and machine-gunned to dung heaps the same way German and Japanese cities were carpet- and fire-bombed to gravel and ash during World War II.
Our military leaders know we don't have the stomach for it. And maybe that means we don't have the nerve to do what it takes to win a war.
Yet there's another, even more revealing explanation behind the Pentagon's love affair with smart bombs, surgical air strikes and "contained warfare": They believed that by achieving a series of quick tactical victories we would achieve a comprehensive strategic victory and avoid the possibility that massive troop deployments might be necessary to occupy and oversee Iraq's reconstruction.
In other words, our leaders went to war handicapped by the reality that political suicide was inevitable if our armed forces became involved in a prolonged conflict in Iraq that would require reinstating the Draft.
The Draft? Are you serious?
The truth is that we've become so seduced and in love with the romance of fighting bloodless, gallant wars of principle with sophisticated weapon systems that we actually believe real combat must be exactly like combat in video games. And we don't understand why the war in Iraq can't be fought and won the same way.
We want to fight all our wars with technology, because people like you and me don't get shot at or die in video games.
But terrorists fight with real bullets, blow up real car bombs and cut off real people's heads.
That's why it's easy now to blame Bush for "starting" an unnecessary war and causing trouble, and why some politicians have demanded an immediate timetable for withdrawl. They wanna see the Game Over! screen start flashing right now.
But aren't Iraq and Iran so far away that their antics should hardly concern us? Wouldn't the world be a safer place if we just pulled out and brought our troops home?
I'll bet 98% of Americans couldn't find Afghanistan, Azerbaijan, Bahrain, Brunei, Somalia, Malaysia or Indonesia on a map if that's all they had to do to win a billion dollars. Yet each of these countries face daily terror threats from Islamic insurgents, and they're only a handful of the countries you should already be familiar with to be aware of the potential danger to our way of life they represent
We're talking billions of Muslims worldwide, and the Qur'an and Muslim Hadith are the only sacred writings in existence that encourage followers to make war on unbelievers.
We don't wanna dwell too much on tough issues like that because we've never had to deal with unpleasant stuff (including the possibility of being drafted) before. Our idea of a grueling, nightmarish day means spending 40 minutes on the phone waiting for tech support. Or having to wait too long at the drive-through.
We want to forget that fundamentalist Islam teaches young men that slaughtering infidels like Christians is their only guarantee of entering Paradise. Compared to American Idol that kind of mind-set seems too strange, too 8th Century and too totally weird to be taken seriously.
In the meantime, while American men are focused on financing new cars, dating and downloadable porn, Islamic terrorists are focused on the 72 virgins they're expecting to receive in Paradise.
So long as we're living in denial mode, let's also deny that last week North Korea launched a 3-stage rocket capable of delivering Kim Jong il's nuclear warheads to almost anywhere within the continental United States, and that Iran has publicly declared its intentions of acquiring nuclear weapons and using them to incinerate Israel ... wouldn't ya know ... to fulfill an Islamic prophecy.
Earlier this week Former Speaker of the US House Newt Gingrich wrote that with Hezbollah's unprovoked rocket attacks on Israel, we're witnessing the start of World War III.
Nah, that can't possibly be true. The only thing I want to know is How Much Longer Before the Stock Market Goes Up and Gas Prices Come Down. I'll deal with the rest of the world when it gets here, but in the meantime all I wanna see is Lil Kim bustin' out! GOOD TIMES!
Life's too good here in Wonderland to pay much attention to anything else.
-- next Part 4: The Irrelevance of Experience
This Is Entirely My Own Issue
I got sidetracked this morning, and it's my fault.
I only have the best of intentions when I "seek" out blogs criticizing my pastor and my church. I started reading these blogs last year out of curioisity, but their criticisms quickly turned into something else.
Now I check in on these blogs anytime I feel the craving for another Please Make It Stop, I Think I'm Choking Now rib-busting laugh.
I found a new blog this morning that takes aim at my pastor by name. The author, who must be much more clever than his writing lets on, even includes a Seeker-Pastor Starter Kit, which amounts to a list of satirical gripes he's harboring about ministries he either finds threatening, or misunderstands completely.
I know better than to engage in foolish debates and quarrels; that's why the list I made is Just For Fun.
Maintenance Kit
for Stagnant Legalistic Traditionalists (rough draft)
Dress in the most fashionable and most expensive suits, with stylized hair and lots of jewelry, to reflect how much God has blessed and rewarded your piety and faithfulness.
Do not hesitate to fight about small stuff; always struggle to make sure every idea is talked to death before it's rejected.
One of the best ways to avoid growth and the unpleasant consequences of adding new members is by creating an unspoken atmosphere of censorship. Strict dress codes help here also.
Ostracize potential new members who don't dress or think like you do, encourage their doubts and help them realize they belong somewhere else.
Accept that factionalism within your congregation is inevitable if you allow your membership to grow without limits.
If one faction within your congregation gets mad and leaves to start its own church, let everyone in your city know the "real reason" has something to do with sins so heinous they can't be described in a Biblical context, even using Old Testament terms and definitions.
Keep your services separate from the world by adhering to secret cliches and idioms peculiar to your denomination. Include only four hundred year old music and archaic inflections of speech in your worship services.
Make no secret of the fact that only your church knows the right way about everything.
Ignore the word Pharisee.
Encourage your congregation to share suspicions, allegations and any private information they may have about someone else within your church, so that the latest rumors can be compared and improved, and then repeated as often as possible to others as the honest truth.
Keep in close contact with the elderly invalids and the hospitalized members from your congregation; they are more likely to make huge financial contributions to your ministry sooner than anyone else.
Maintain devotion and reverence within your congregation by constantly fine-tuning salvation's minimum requirements, and hinting additional legalism might be involved that you're not quite ready to share and reveal.
Form as many church committees as possible, to make sure nothing in your church ever changes or gets accomplished.
Include as many traditional symbols of your devoutness as possible on the exterior of your sanctuary, as a public announcement of your piety. Some suggestions include self-illuminated giant crosses, huge sculptures of doves in flight, and particularly stained glass windows with plaques clearly memorializing the donors' names and the amount of their contribution.
(Although your church's Number One Priority should be the construction of a steeple tall enough to interfere with and pose a navigation hazard to low-flying aircraft, do not overlook the ministry potential of renting portable lighted signs with sermon teasers like How Hot is Hell? Come this Sunday and See For Yourself!)
Require all visitors to stand during the Welcome, so that your congregation can get a good long look at what real sinners look like.
Leave excellence out of your worship service's equation and announce publicly that we're all equal in God's eyes, while privately acknowledging that some of us are more equal than others, in ways known only to ourselves.
Refuse to consider adding anything to the worship service that's never been tried before.
Rely on tradition and ritual to avoid examining Biblical doctrines you don't understand or agree with.
Always remember that the word "Hypocrite" only applies to the other guy.
Stick with organ music during your services. That's what the apostles used, and the only appropriate instrument to use today.
Each sermon must always suggest that salvation is never a "sure thing," and imply that several secret sins exist which are probably unforgiveable.
Organize highly-visible public demonstrations and protests against movie theaters, book stores, and retailers who don't share your specific beliefs.
Pastors should gain as much weight as possible, as physical proof of their blessings and rewards.
Pastors' wives must set set fashion standards within the congregation. Extend this to include home cosmetic parties and Ladies Afternoon Gossip Socials.
Encourage deacons to scowl, grimmace at and ignore visitors. This helps keep "Seekers" out, and guarantees your congregation will remain cowering, wholesome and pure.
Mistrust the methodology of any pastor with a larger or faster-growing congregation than yours. Do not hesitate to ridicule or be publicly condescending to any pastor younger than you.
Your church's Teen and Childrens Ministry should remain your lowest priority, and receive the least possible funding. They're not tithers after all, and are most likely to cause disruption within your congregation as they get older.
Disclaimer: The above opinions are entirely my own, and are presented here solely as parody and satire for entertainment purposes.
I only have the best of intentions when I "seek" out blogs criticizing my pastor and my church. I started reading these blogs last year out of curioisity, but their criticisms quickly turned into something else.
Now I check in on these blogs anytime I feel the craving for another Please Make It Stop, I Think I'm Choking Now rib-busting laugh.
I found a new blog this morning that takes aim at my pastor by name. The author, who must be much more clever than his writing lets on, even includes a Seeker-Pastor Starter Kit, which amounts to a list of satirical gripes he's harboring about ministries he either finds threatening, or misunderstands completely.
I know better than to engage in foolish debates and quarrels; that's why the list I made is Just For Fun.
Maintenance Kit
for Stagnant Legalistic Traditionalists (rough draft)
Dress in the most fashionable and most expensive suits, with stylized hair and lots of jewelry, to reflect how much God has blessed and rewarded your piety and faithfulness.
Do not hesitate to fight about small stuff; always struggle to make sure every idea is talked to death before it's rejected.
One of the best ways to avoid growth and the unpleasant consequences of adding new members is by creating an unspoken atmosphere of censorship. Strict dress codes help here also.
Ostracize potential new members who don't dress or think like you do, encourage their doubts and help them realize they belong somewhere else.
Accept that factionalism within your congregation is inevitable if you allow your membership to grow without limits.
If one faction within your congregation gets mad and leaves to start its own church, let everyone in your city know the "real reason" has something to do with sins so heinous they can't be described in a Biblical context, even using Old Testament terms and definitions.
Keep your services separate from the world by adhering to secret cliches and idioms peculiar to your denomination. Include only four hundred year old music and archaic inflections of speech in your worship services.
Make no secret of the fact that only your church knows the right way about everything.
Ignore the word Pharisee.
Encourage your congregation to share suspicions, allegations and any private information they may have about someone else within your church, so that the latest rumors can be compared and improved, and then repeated as often as possible to others as the honest truth.
Keep in close contact with the elderly invalids and the hospitalized members from your congregation; they are more likely to make huge financial contributions to your ministry sooner than anyone else.
Maintain devotion and reverence within your congregation by constantly fine-tuning salvation's minimum requirements, and hinting additional legalism might be involved that you're not quite ready to share and reveal.
Form as many church committees as possible, to make sure nothing in your church ever changes or gets accomplished.
Include as many traditional symbols of your devoutness as possible on the exterior of your sanctuary, as a public announcement of your piety. Some suggestions include self-illuminated giant crosses, huge sculptures of doves in flight, and particularly stained glass windows with plaques clearly memorializing the donors' names and the amount of their contribution.
(Although your church's Number One Priority should be the construction of a steeple tall enough to interfere with and pose a navigation hazard to low-flying aircraft, do not overlook the ministry potential of renting portable lighted signs with sermon teasers like How Hot is Hell? Come this Sunday and See For Yourself!)
Require all visitors to stand during the Welcome, so that your congregation can get a good long look at what real sinners look like.
Leave excellence out of your worship service's equation and announce publicly that we're all equal in God's eyes, while privately acknowledging that some of us are more equal than others, in ways known only to ourselves.
Refuse to consider adding anything to the worship service that's never been tried before.
Rely on tradition and ritual to avoid examining Biblical doctrines you don't understand or agree with.
Always remember that the word "Hypocrite" only applies to the other guy.
Stick with organ music during your services. That's what the apostles used, and the only appropriate instrument to use today.
Each sermon must always suggest that salvation is never a "sure thing," and imply that several secret sins exist which are probably unforgiveable.
Organize highly-visible public demonstrations and protests against movie theaters, book stores, and retailers who don't share your specific beliefs.
Pastors should gain as much weight as possible, as physical proof of their blessings and rewards.
Pastors' wives must set set fashion standards within the congregation. Extend this to include home cosmetic parties and Ladies Afternoon Gossip Socials.
Encourage deacons to scowl, grimmace at and ignore visitors. This helps keep "Seekers" out, and guarantees your congregation will remain cowering, wholesome and pure.
Mistrust the methodology of any pastor with a larger or faster-growing congregation than yours. Do not hesitate to ridicule or be publicly condescending to any pastor younger than you.
Your church's Teen and Childrens Ministry should remain your lowest priority, and receive the least possible funding. They're not tithers after all, and are most likely to cause disruption within your congregation as they get older.
Disclaimer: The above opinions are entirely my own, and are presented here solely as parody and satire for entertainment purposes.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Blue Book Confidential
Whew, you know what I mean. I gotta take some time off and de-blog for a minute.
In case you've been pulling your hair wondering What happened to The Playlist? well, here's your answer:
It's summer. That means it's hot. Even more so upstairs, which is much closer to the sun. The big speakers live upstairs and I won't go near them. That's why I've been wirelessly blue-booking downstairs from the Averatec ... which has worse speakers than my cell phone.
Only I don't have a cell phone.
So tonight's playlist comes strictly from memory. Promise me you'll only apply according to instructions. Consult a physician immediately if you develop the usual symptoms. May cause excitability, fainting and deafness. Repeat as necessary. No re-fills.
The Breeders
Last Splash
Pod
In case you've been pulling your hair wondering What happened to The Playlist? well, here's your answer:
It's summer. That means it's hot. Even more so upstairs, which is much closer to the sun. The big speakers live upstairs and I won't go near them. That's why I've been wirelessly blue-booking downstairs from the Averatec ... which has worse speakers than my cell phone.
Only I don't have a cell phone.
So tonight's playlist comes strictly from memory. Promise me you'll only apply according to instructions. Consult a physician immediately if you develop the usual symptoms. May cause excitability, fainting and deafness. Repeat as necessary. No re-fills.
The Breeders
Last Splash
Pod
Notes On Wild UH-OH Moments
-- Part 2 --
Uh-Oh Happens.
Sometimes unexpected stuff happens that contradicts everything we've previously experienced, something so entirely different from what we expected that we're forced to re-examine our thinking and consider whether our previous beliefs and impressions were shortsighted and dangerously mistaken.
That's what I call having an Uh-Oh moment. Last year in Africa I had a handful.
On my first afternoon in Tanzania's Selous Game Reserve a young bull elephant standing a few dozen yards away suddenly turned, glanced back in our direction, raised his trunk and began staring at us as though trying to decide if it'd be worth his time to start bouncing our frail little bodies on the ground like rubber balls.
It was like watching a life-sized movie as the elephant threw back his ears, trumpeted a blast that shook the grass at my feet, and started pawing angrily at the ground ... like a gargantuan nitro-fueled dragster spinning its tires before leaving the starting line.
That's a good signal it might be time to say Uh-Oh.
(Here's two important way to tell elephants and dragsters apart: Elephants exit the starting line in a way that makes fuel dragsters look like they're standing still, and elephants reach the finish line carrying a trunk-full of nauseatingly effective and creative methods of finishing you off.)
I love elephants; along with dolphins they're probably the most magnificient and intelligent creatures God created. It's great fun standing behind a tank-proof iron fence at the zoo and tossing peanuts in their direction.
But replace that fence with a few clumps of dry grass as the only thing separating you from 10 tons of angry elephant zeroed in your direction, and you might start wishing the only elephant you'd ever seen was on display in a museum.
You might even momentarily hate elephants while you're wondering what that left tusk is gonna feel like as it twists out the other side of your shirt ... but after Jumbo Junior charged within 20 feet his trunk must've got a good whiff of my perspiration, which caused him to swerve off and disappear down the trail.
A few days later we were walking back to the truck when both our guide and game scout suddenly froze and held themselves in mid-stride, stiff as statues for what seemed like two minutes without indicating why (this kind of behavior from a Professional Game Scout in itself is a minor Uh-Oh moment).
I hadn't seen or heard anything unusual (it doesn't help that I'm practically deaf in one ear) but the vibe was distinctly scary and Bad. I mean, could something out there really be so close that it was already watching us ... and we didn't know it?
Things got more intense in another second when the guide hissed No move. I didn't bother with correcting his grammar; instead I scanned over the thornbrush only a few yards away and tried to figure out what was happening.
Then our guide whispered what sounded like Simba and motioned one finger for us to start moving slowly to the truck.
Simba, in case you missed The Lion King, is Swahili for Lion (I don't know what the Swahili word is for Uh-Oh).
As we climbed aboard the truck even us Americans heard what turned out to be the growling of three lionesses. We just needed the height of the truck bed to finally see them.
I've read several newpapers accounts of what Park Rangers found the morning after tourists on photo safaris got unintentionally left in the bush overnight by distracted drivers and tour guides. Let's say that lions do very thorough work when they want to, because the medical reports were colorfully descriptive in every detail.
I imagine that suddenly finding yourself alone and on foot with night approaching and having no weapon available more dangerous than a water bottle in the same place where you'd been merrily burning film on spectacular lion action-shots only a few minutes ago would create a severely gut-wrenching Uh-Oh moment.
I'm also pretty sure any noble impression you previously entertained about Lions being warm, cuddly and misunderstood big kitty cats would vaporize pretty quickly: without bars, cages and enclosed trucks to protect us, human beings fall straight to the bottom of the food chain ... in pieces.
But still some people will argue and deny what should be obvious: large predators see us as protein, and couldn't care less about friendship or posing for photos. They're yawning and relaxing for the cameras only long enough to see if anyone onboard's stupid enough to climb down and become a human filet.
Most of us have a tendency to consider animals as friends and attribute personalities to them consistent with what we already feel about ourselves. House cats are adorably amusing and cute while they're playing with yarn, but we overlook that Tabby's only practicing with thread till he can get his claws around something squishy and warm that might taste good.
As human beings we assume intelligence and technology assure our domination, and as individuals each of us feels pretty sure we've got a grip on perceiving the world around us ... that we'll never have a terminally unpleasant Uh-Oh moment ... so long as our guide makes sure we're on the truck when it's time to be carried off in safety and comfort to the hot meal waiting back at the lodge.
Start moving slowly to the truck ...
--next Part 3: Life's So Perfect Here In Wonderland! --
Uh-Oh Happens.
Sometimes unexpected stuff happens that contradicts everything we've previously experienced, something so entirely different from what we expected that we're forced to re-examine our thinking and consider whether our previous beliefs and impressions were shortsighted and dangerously mistaken.
That's what I call having an Uh-Oh moment. Last year in Africa I had a handful.
On my first afternoon in Tanzania's Selous Game Reserve a young bull elephant standing a few dozen yards away suddenly turned, glanced back in our direction, raised his trunk and began staring at us as though trying to decide if it'd be worth his time to start bouncing our frail little bodies on the ground like rubber balls.
It was like watching a life-sized movie as the elephant threw back his ears, trumpeted a blast that shook the grass at my feet, and started pawing angrily at the ground ... like a gargantuan nitro-fueled dragster spinning its tires before leaving the starting line.
That's a good signal it might be time to say Uh-Oh.
(Here's two important way to tell elephants and dragsters apart: Elephants exit the starting line in a way that makes fuel dragsters look like they're standing still, and elephants reach the finish line carrying a trunk-full of nauseatingly effective and creative methods of finishing you off.)
I love elephants; along with dolphins they're probably the most magnificient and intelligent creatures God created. It's great fun standing behind a tank-proof iron fence at the zoo and tossing peanuts in their direction.
But replace that fence with a few clumps of dry grass as the only thing separating you from 10 tons of angry elephant zeroed in your direction, and you might start wishing the only elephant you'd ever seen was on display in a museum.
You might even momentarily hate elephants while you're wondering what that left tusk is gonna feel like as it twists out the other side of your shirt ... but after Jumbo Junior charged within 20 feet his trunk must've got a good whiff of my perspiration, which caused him to swerve off and disappear down the trail.
A few days later we were walking back to the truck when both our guide and game scout suddenly froze and held themselves in mid-stride, stiff as statues for what seemed like two minutes without indicating why (this kind of behavior from a Professional Game Scout in itself is a minor Uh-Oh moment).
I hadn't seen or heard anything unusual (it doesn't help that I'm practically deaf in one ear) but the vibe was distinctly scary and Bad. I mean, could something out there really be so close that it was already watching us ... and we didn't know it?
Things got more intense in another second when the guide hissed No move. I didn't bother with correcting his grammar; instead I scanned over the thornbrush only a few yards away and tried to figure out what was happening.
Then our guide whispered what sounded like Simba and motioned one finger for us to start moving slowly to the truck.
Simba, in case you missed The Lion King, is Swahili for Lion (I don't know what the Swahili word is for Uh-Oh).
As we climbed aboard the truck even us Americans heard what turned out to be the growling of three lionesses. We just needed the height of the truck bed to finally see them.
I've read several newpapers accounts of what Park Rangers found the morning after tourists on photo safaris got unintentionally left in the bush overnight by distracted drivers and tour guides. Let's say that lions do very thorough work when they want to, because the medical reports were colorfully descriptive in every detail.
I imagine that suddenly finding yourself alone and on foot with night approaching and having no weapon available more dangerous than a water bottle in the same place where you'd been merrily burning film on spectacular lion action-shots only a few minutes ago would create a severely gut-wrenching Uh-Oh moment.
I'm also pretty sure any noble impression you previously entertained about Lions being warm, cuddly and misunderstood big kitty cats would vaporize pretty quickly: without bars, cages and enclosed trucks to protect us, human beings fall straight to the bottom of the food chain ... in pieces.
But still some people will argue and deny what should be obvious: large predators see us as protein, and couldn't care less about friendship or posing for photos. They're yawning and relaxing for the cameras only long enough to see if anyone onboard's stupid enough to climb down and become a human filet.
Most of us have a tendency to consider animals as friends and attribute personalities to them consistent with what we already feel about ourselves. House cats are adorably amusing and cute while they're playing with yarn, but we overlook that Tabby's only practicing with thread till he can get his claws around something squishy and warm that might taste good.
As human beings we assume intelligence and technology assure our domination, and as individuals each of us feels pretty sure we've got a grip on perceiving the world around us ... that we'll never have a terminally unpleasant Uh-Oh moment ... so long as our guide makes sure we're on the truck when it's time to be carried off in safety and comfort to the hot meal waiting back at the lodge.
Start moving slowly to the truck ...
--next Part 3: Life's So Perfect Here In Wonderland! --
Notes on Intolerance and Perception
--Part 1--
A Fire Just Destroyed Everything You Own.
Look Into The Camera And Tell Us How That Feels ...
On a Sunday afternoon in October about 12 years ago I drove over to Wendy's to pick up lunch, came back home and found my house on fire. A real fire with ladder trucks already on the scene, with policemen closing off streets and reporters hissing "Who lives there? Is anybody inside?" ... and lots of strangers with their personal cameras watching from the sidewalks hoping to witness and record something tragic for their scrapbooks.
An awful lot can happen in 10 minutes when you're not expecting it.
A female reporter asked me what feeling helpless felt like, made sure she had all her shots, and rushed off with her photographer to file her story. It was almost dark by the time the fire was out (in my eyes, the Anderson Fire Department are Heroes). Then the firemen re-coiled their hoses, climbed on their trucks and drove back to the station. The spectators had dwindled away long before then, probably disappointed because the excitement was over and no one had visibly suffered too much.
I remember the quiet that flooded into the spaces where police and fire department radios had been squawking only seconds before. I remember walking to the front door in the dark once the on-lookers were gone and what it felt like peering inside the smokey, now unfamiliar hallway.
I'd been slapped with the reality that I was homeless and pretty much like the blank faces of disaster victims you see on the news. I was now one of those people who had no possessions, no place to live and nowhere to go. And I remember thinking "What do I do?"
When we see survivors of tornadoes, floods, famine and earthquakes on TV poking through the rubble of their former homes looking for traces of family members or for any scraps from their former lives, the images fade from the screen and vanish soon as the news story ends.
We feel instant relief once a commercial cuts in and replaces tragedy with a blonde in a blouse promising Easy Credit Terms! ... as though the pain we witnessed magically ended as soon as we stopped watching.
If our private realities remain secure, familiar and predictable we might feel entitled to be indifferent spectators to whatever wholesale suffering we see on TV, so long as it's happening somewhere else and to people we've never met ... particularly if those people don't look, talk or dress like us.
It's too emotionally complicated and disturbing to remember that reality sticks around much longer than a video clip, and any difference we'd like to imagine existing between "me" and "the other guy" only depends on who's doing the looking.
--Part 2: The Big Uh-Oh
A Fire Just Destroyed Everything You Own.
Look Into The Camera And Tell Us How That Feels ...
On a Sunday afternoon in October about 12 years ago I drove over to Wendy's to pick up lunch, came back home and found my house on fire. A real fire with ladder trucks already on the scene, with policemen closing off streets and reporters hissing "Who lives there? Is anybody inside?" ... and lots of strangers with their personal cameras watching from the sidewalks hoping to witness and record something tragic for their scrapbooks.
An awful lot can happen in 10 minutes when you're not expecting it.
A female reporter asked me what feeling helpless felt like, made sure she had all her shots, and rushed off with her photographer to file her story. It was almost dark by the time the fire was out (in my eyes, the Anderson Fire Department are Heroes). Then the firemen re-coiled their hoses, climbed on their trucks and drove back to the station. The spectators had dwindled away long before then, probably disappointed because the excitement was over and no one had visibly suffered too much.
I remember the quiet that flooded into the spaces where police and fire department radios had been squawking only seconds before. I remember walking to the front door in the dark once the on-lookers were gone and what it felt like peering inside the smokey, now unfamiliar hallway.
I'd been slapped with the reality that I was homeless and pretty much like the blank faces of disaster victims you see on the news. I was now one of those people who had no possessions, no place to live and nowhere to go. And I remember thinking "What do I do?"
When we see survivors of tornadoes, floods, famine and earthquakes on TV poking through the rubble of their former homes looking for traces of family members or for any scraps from their former lives, the images fade from the screen and vanish soon as the news story ends.
We feel instant relief once a commercial cuts in and replaces tragedy with a blonde in a blouse promising Easy Credit Terms! ... as though the pain we witnessed magically ended as soon as we stopped watching.
If our private realities remain secure, familiar and predictable we might feel entitled to be indifferent spectators to whatever wholesale suffering we see on TV, so long as it's happening somewhere else and to people we've never met ... particularly if those people don't look, talk or dress like us.
It's too emotionally complicated and disturbing to remember that reality sticks around much longer than a video clip, and any difference we'd like to imagine existing between "me" and "the other guy" only depends on who's doing the looking.
--Part 2: The Big Uh-Oh
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Stuff I Think About: Minivans
I HATE minivans. There. I said and mean it.
Have you ever been stuck in traffic, found yourself surrounded by minivans and started wondering (a) Why anyone would buy a minivan on purpose (b) Why anyone who'd intentionally buy a minivan is allowed to drive on public streets (c) Is there something creepy about me or my car that makes me a moving minivan magnet? (d) Do minivans have gas pedals?
I'm saying I've seen minivans parked on dealer display floors moving faster than some of the minivan drivers that herd around me in traffic like cows at the feed trough.
And I'm only calling them "drivers" because I don't know the word they call the guys who ride along on garbage scows heading out to sea.
Maybe every minivan ever manufactured came straight from the factory with a defective speedometer that reads 3x faster than the van's actually moving. Which explains why doing 15 in a 45 mph zone seems to press most minivan drivers' nerves (and skills) to extreme limits.
Do minivans come with brakes, or just a big SLOW/SLOWER handle on the dash? I've read that minivans, with their higher center of gravity, are more likely to roll over and take longer to stop than a passenger sedan. So maybe minivan drivers think they're being careful by avoiding sudden manuevers like lane changes.
But the way minivan drivers slow down to snail-speed to make turns makes me think a fully-loaded garbage truck could take the turn faster, and not lose a single fly.
I also loathe getting behind minivans at fast food drive-throughs, because there must be a law somewhere that says minivans are only permitted to enter drive-throughs when carrying at least 12 passengers. The second part of the law says that no passenger in a minivan is allowed to know what they want to order before the minivan pulls up and stops at the the ordering window.
The third part of the law says that each passenger must then ask for their meal to be individually cooked to order; the fourth part of the law requires that each passenger in a minivan must pay for their order separately, and only with the correct change, which must be kept securely stowed in console boxes, between seat cushions, and under floor mats.
I also wonder if minivan owners get factory rebates for plastering silly bumperstickers all over their tailgates. Or maybe it's a secret club among minivan owners, to see who can come up with the silliest-sounding slogans to annoy drivers behind them.
Cutsie minivan bumperstickers are especially distracting because when I'm stuck in a passing zone behind a minivan rocketing along at 40 miles an hour under the speed limit, it pays to watch closely and avoid guessing whether the guy behind the wheel already knows he's fallen asleep.
Some of the bumperstickers I especially despise include:
Honk If You Love Fruit Cake!
Hand Puppets Are People, Too!
My Kid Only Looks Like A Geek!
My Church Is Glad All Sinners Are Going To Hell!
My idea of a nightmare is being stuck behind the same minivan on I-85 all the way from Atlanta to Anderson, then see its turn signal flicker on at my exit, tag along behind till it crawls to the nearest drive-through, and then notice a bumpersticker that reads
My Other Car Is Also A Minivan
Have you ever been stuck in traffic, found yourself surrounded by minivans and started wondering (a) Why anyone would buy a minivan on purpose (b) Why anyone who'd intentionally buy a minivan is allowed to drive on public streets (c) Is there something creepy about me or my car that makes me a moving minivan magnet? (d) Do minivans have gas pedals?
I'm saying I've seen minivans parked on dealer display floors moving faster than some of the minivan drivers that herd around me in traffic like cows at the feed trough.
And I'm only calling them "drivers" because I don't know the word they call the guys who ride along on garbage scows heading out to sea.
Maybe every minivan ever manufactured came straight from the factory with a defective speedometer that reads 3x faster than the van's actually moving. Which explains why doing 15 in a 45 mph zone seems to press most minivan drivers' nerves (and skills) to extreme limits.
Do minivans come with brakes, or just a big SLOW/SLOWER handle on the dash? I've read that minivans, with their higher center of gravity, are more likely to roll over and take longer to stop than a passenger sedan. So maybe minivan drivers think they're being careful by avoiding sudden manuevers like lane changes.
But the way minivan drivers slow down to snail-speed to make turns makes me think a fully-loaded garbage truck could take the turn faster, and not lose a single fly.
I also loathe getting behind minivans at fast food drive-throughs, because there must be a law somewhere that says minivans are only permitted to enter drive-throughs when carrying at least 12 passengers. The second part of the law says that no passenger in a minivan is allowed to know what they want to order before the minivan pulls up and stops at the the ordering window.
The third part of the law says that each passenger must then ask for their meal to be individually cooked to order; the fourth part of the law requires that each passenger in a minivan must pay for their order separately, and only with the correct change, which must be kept securely stowed in console boxes, between seat cushions, and under floor mats.
I also wonder if minivan owners get factory rebates for plastering silly bumperstickers all over their tailgates. Or maybe it's a secret club among minivan owners, to see who can come up with the silliest-sounding slogans to annoy drivers behind them.
Cutsie minivan bumperstickers are especially distracting because when I'm stuck in a passing zone behind a minivan rocketing along at 40 miles an hour under the speed limit, it pays to watch closely and avoid guessing whether the guy behind the wheel already knows he's fallen asleep.
Some of the bumperstickers I especially despise include:
Honk If You Love Fruit Cake!
Hand Puppets Are People, Too!
My Kid Only Looks Like A Geek!
My Church Is Glad All Sinners Are Going To Hell!
My idea of a nightmare is being stuck behind the same minivan on I-85 all the way from Atlanta to Anderson, then see its turn signal flicker on at my exit, tag along behind till it crawls to the nearest drive-through, and then notice a bumpersticker that reads
My Other Car Is Also A Minivan
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Heads Up
French Grand Prix
LIVE 7:30AM Sunday Morning on Speed TV (Eastern Daylight Savings Time)
Replay: 1:30 PM EDST
Papa's Pitside Preview:
-Seven-time world champion Michael Schumacher sits on the pole
Schumacher posted a blistering time of one minute 15.493 seconds, 0.017 seconds faster than Ferrari team-mate Felipe Massa to earn his 68th career pole and fourth in 11 races
People smarter than I still think he drives dirty.
How Do I Feel About Ferrari?
If I drove competitive Formula 1, I'd rather work a concession stand and try to convince tourists that chili corndogs were creme brulee than drive for any manufacturer than Ferrari.
Ferrari is The Man. Always was, always will be.
LIVE 7:30AM Sunday Morning on Speed TV (Eastern Daylight Savings Time)
Replay: 1:30 PM EDST
Papa's Pitside Preview:
-Seven-time world champion Michael Schumacher sits on the pole
Schumacher posted a blistering time of one minute 15.493 seconds, 0.017 seconds faster than Ferrari team-mate Felipe Massa to earn his 68th career pole and fourth in 11 races
People smarter than I still think he drives dirty.
How Do I Feel About Ferrari?
If I drove competitive Formula 1, I'd rather work a concession stand and try to convince tourists that chili corndogs were creme brulee than drive for any manufacturer than Ferrari.
Ferrari is The Man. Always was, always will be.
Wish You Were Here
If you like sci-fi B-movies from the mid-1960s and had your own popcorn, that is.
I've got Planet of the Vampires playing on the DVD with all the lights turned off . Luke's asleep somewhere upstairs, so we could sit back and get real scared (and act like we're not). I had to force myself to hit Pause so I could write this and can't wait to hit POST so I can find out what happens next.
What a great, remarkable overlooked little gem. Alien borrowed heavily from this 1965 Mario Brava effort.
Doesn't even matter that the sets and costumes look silly or that some actors seem to be reciting lines lifted from a thesaurus of English cliches while others stammer through in unknown tongues made worse with bad dubbing.
It's great. It's campy. It's B-movie fun at its best.
From the Friday Bottom of the Blog Bag ...
Sometimes I might be a little slow to catch on, but I'm no dummy. At least not a great big dummy walking sideways in diapers. I hope not anyway. Or maybe it doesn't matter what I think. And besides, you're probably right.
Here's some loose stuff that wouldn't fit in anywhere else:
"Now I Know Why Ken Gave Up the Rooster" Department
The doggone thing won't settle down unless I let him sit with me on the couch! Otherwise he won't give me a moment's peace.
He scratches and pecks at the bedroom door, snuffling like a puppy because he wants in. Leaves feathers everywhere, rips up the trash in the kitchen with his beak and cock-a-doodle-doos his head off at all hours day and night. And every time I try to catch him being a bad rooster he suddenly freezes and glares back, like "What? You mean me?"
The rooster's name is Cornflake, btw.
You Know You're In Kentucky When ... Department
At the end of the NASCAR 2006 Craftsman Truck Series Built Ford Tough 225 race on TV right now, I saw a guy standing in the crowd with a t-shirt that said Snitches Are A Dying Breed.
Hmmm ... wonder if he picked that up at the prison gift shop? Or maybe his mom slipped it out past a trustee during visitation ... just to remind junior what's comin' soon as mama busts outta the slam.
Impressive Performance Department
Tonight I decided to find out what would happen if I turned my new King Butch-Aire AC window unit down all the way. Right now the thermometer beside my desk says its -10 degrees Fahrenheit and I'm stuck to my chair.
That's impressive ... glad I put on a second sweater under my parka.
"And I'm Not Paying For Roaming Charges Either!" Department
Cells phones might be the biggest nuisance in my life. From the time I get up till the time I go to bed, no matter what I start doing, I can't go more than 5 minutes without getting interrupted with Ring A Ding Ding Ding. Whether I'm trying to read, eat lunch or watch TV it's no use cause there goes the cell phone.
Problem is, I don't have a cell phone.
"The Tennis Shoes Have Eyes" Department
I've got an old pair of sneaks I still keep around because I paid way too much 12 years ago when they were new. They smell twice as bad as you'd think and came in real handy whenever the time came to spend an hour or two down at the bank discussing their newest fee structure.
But now something's moved in. Like, something's living inside my right shoe. I know this because every time I put my foot inside something bites. And it's big. I've empirically determined it's BIG based on how hard it bites.
I'm guessing it's one of those spiders that have gangsta colors on their backs, you know the ones I mean.
Maybe I could trick Cornflakes into pecking on over and taking a look inside ...
"Do You Like Cats?" Department
... cause I got a new recipe that uses a quick n' easy honey mustard sauce for double-dippin'.
Here's some loose stuff that wouldn't fit in anywhere else:
"Now I Know Why Ken Gave Up the Rooster" Department
The doggone thing won't settle down unless I let him sit with me on the couch! Otherwise he won't give me a moment's peace.
He scratches and pecks at the bedroom door, snuffling like a puppy because he wants in. Leaves feathers everywhere, rips up the trash in the kitchen with his beak and cock-a-doodle-doos his head off at all hours day and night. And every time I try to catch him being a bad rooster he suddenly freezes and glares back, like "What? You mean me?"
The rooster's name is Cornflake, btw.
You Know You're In Kentucky When ... Department
At the end of the NASCAR 2006 Craftsman Truck Series Built Ford Tough 225 race on TV right now, I saw a guy standing in the crowd with a t-shirt that said Snitches Are A Dying Breed.
Hmmm ... wonder if he picked that up at the prison gift shop? Or maybe his mom slipped it out past a trustee during visitation ... just to remind junior what's comin' soon as mama busts outta the slam.
Impressive Performance Department
Tonight I decided to find out what would happen if I turned my new King Butch-Aire AC window unit down all the way. Right now the thermometer beside my desk says its -10 degrees Fahrenheit and I'm stuck to my chair.
That's impressive ... glad I put on a second sweater under my parka.
"And I'm Not Paying For Roaming Charges Either!" Department
Cells phones might be the biggest nuisance in my life. From the time I get up till the time I go to bed, no matter what I start doing, I can't go more than 5 minutes without getting interrupted with Ring A Ding Ding Ding. Whether I'm trying to read, eat lunch or watch TV it's no use cause there goes the cell phone.
Problem is, I don't have a cell phone.
"The Tennis Shoes Have Eyes" Department
I've got an old pair of sneaks I still keep around because I paid way too much 12 years ago when they were new. They smell twice as bad as you'd think and came in real handy whenever the time came to spend an hour or two down at the bank discussing their newest fee structure.
But now something's moved in. Like, something's living inside my right shoe. I know this because every time I put my foot inside something bites. And it's big. I've empirically determined it's BIG based on how hard it bites.
I'm guessing it's one of those spiders that have gangsta colors on their backs, you know the ones I mean.
Maybe I could trick Cornflakes into pecking on over and taking a look inside ...
"Do You Like Cats?" Department
... cause I got a new recipe that uses a quick n' easy honey mustard sauce for double-dippin'.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Notes on Israel's Crisis
"Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight."
Psalms 144:1
Psalms 144:1
I'm Gone On Vacation
Man, I need some time off and doggone it, this time I'm gonna take it!
I'm not talking about spending the rest of the summer cruising the Med, or frolicking (can you imagine a 3-legged turtle frolicking?) on a glassy black sand beach in the Caribbean.
Driving up to Highlands for a long weekend and being car sick for an afternoon would be enough. The problem was I couldn't figure out how to afford it.
Then today I saw a commercial on TV that said I can get the cash I need for my vacation by taking out a title loan on my car. They're actually gonna give me cash so I can sit back and stop worrying about paying off my bills! It looks so easy it's amazing.
And I'm so pumped I can't stand it, because now I've got extra cash to blow on anything I want! Shoot, folks who think you shouldn't take a vacation just because you can't afford to must have all their numbers wrong.
Maybe my brain's what's actually gone on vacation. Geepers.
I'm not talking about spending the rest of the summer cruising the Med, or frolicking (can you imagine a 3-legged turtle frolicking?) on a glassy black sand beach in the Caribbean.
Driving up to Highlands for a long weekend and being car sick for an afternoon would be enough. The problem was I couldn't figure out how to afford it.
Then today I saw a commercial on TV that said I can get the cash I need for my vacation by taking out a title loan on my car. They're actually gonna give me cash so I can sit back and stop worrying about paying off my bills! It looks so easy it's amazing.
And I'm so pumped I can't stand it, because now I've got extra cash to blow on anything I want! Shoot, folks who think you shouldn't take a vacation just because you can't afford to must have all their numbers wrong.
Maybe my brain's what's actually gone on vacation. Geepers.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Stuff You Didn't Know About Diet & Exercise
I hope a few simple facts will clear up several popular misconceptions about both diet and exercise:
1. Don't Confuse Muscle with Fat. Sometime around age 20 our metabolism changes significantly and almost overnight, begins converting excess calories, fat and sugars directly into muscle mass. This helps explain why I "looked thinner" in photos taken when I was 20. Actually I just had less muscle mass.
2. Never Eat Just One Dessert. Nibbling at desserts is guaranteed to make you gain weight. Your digestive system can only handle a limited amount of sugars and fat at one sitting and after reaching that amount, any excess goes "straight through the pipes" because it's too much to be absorbed all at once. That's why when I'm in the mood for doughnuts or peanutbutter pie, I eat the whole box (or three pieces) at one time ... without worrying for a moment about where it's gonna end up.
3. Weight Training Does NOT Increase Muscle Mass. Any "muscle gain" from weight training is deceptive, because anabolic muscle "gains" are nothing more than fluid retention. You start sweating when lifting weights, ... and what you haven't sweated out by the time you finish your workout is trapped there under the skin, making your muscles look big and unnaturally swollen.
This is easily proven: Do you feel stronger, or actually weaker, after you've finished working out with weights? All you are is extra thirsty. Nuff said.
4. Diet Coke Dissolves Calories. Everybody with an e-mail account knows Diet Coke dissolves stubborn toilet stains, so just imagine what Diet Coke can do to food waiting to be digested inside your tummy. Calories are instantly destroyed and reduced to harmless gas ... and every burp actually burns off 5000 calories and eliminates up to 65 fat grams.
5. Increase Your Energy By Eating Fewer Leafy Greens and Vegetables. The African Cheetah is the world's fastest land mammal ... and when's the last time you saw a cheetah chowing down on a salad or a bowl of green beans?
Deep-fried sugar is aggressive, and actually attacks wimpy trans-fatty acids, converting harmful cholesterols into pure oxygen on contact while we’re chewing. It’s the additional oxygen released by foods like french fries, pizza and peanutbutter pie that gives us the happy "rush" we feel when we eat them.
On the other hand, stuff with excessive green color (salads, spinach and green beans) actually raises our chlorofill levels to dangerous proportions, which causes our bodies to start photosynthesis the next time we're exposed to sunlight. Our skin starts releasing oxygen like trees and shrubs, which leaves (get it?) us feeling drained and tired.
And that's all I know.
1. Don't Confuse Muscle with Fat. Sometime around age 20 our metabolism changes significantly and almost overnight, begins converting excess calories, fat and sugars directly into muscle mass. This helps explain why I "looked thinner" in photos taken when I was 20. Actually I just had less muscle mass.
2. Never Eat Just One Dessert. Nibbling at desserts is guaranteed to make you gain weight. Your digestive system can only handle a limited amount of sugars and fat at one sitting and after reaching that amount, any excess goes "straight through the pipes" because it's too much to be absorbed all at once. That's why when I'm in the mood for doughnuts or peanutbutter pie, I eat the whole box (or three pieces) at one time ... without worrying for a moment about where it's gonna end up.
3. Weight Training Does NOT Increase Muscle Mass. Any "muscle gain" from weight training is deceptive, because anabolic muscle "gains" are nothing more than fluid retention. You start sweating when lifting weights, ... and what you haven't sweated out by the time you finish your workout is trapped there under the skin, making your muscles look big and unnaturally swollen.
This is easily proven: Do you feel stronger, or actually weaker, after you've finished working out with weights? All you are is extra thirsty. Nuff said.
4. Diet Coke Dissolves Calories. Everybody with an e-mail account knows Diet Coke dissolves stubborn toilet stains, so just imagine what Diet Coke can do to food waiting to be digested inside your tummy. Calories are instantly destroyed and reduced to harmless gas ... and every burp actually burns off 5000 calories and eliminates up to 65 fat grams.
5. Increase Your Energy By Eating Fewer Leafy Greens and Vegetables. The African Cheetah is the world's fastest land mammal ... and when's the last time you saw a cheetah chowing down on a salad or a bowl of green beans?
Deep-fried sugar is aggressive, and actually attacks wimpy trans-fatty acids, converting harmful cholesterols into pure oxygen on contact while we’re chewing. It’s the additional oxygen released by foods like french fries, pizza and peanutbutter pie that gives us the happy "rush" we feel when we eat them.
On the other hand, stuff with excessive green color (salads, spinach and green beans) actually raises our chlorofill levels to dangerous proportions, which causes our bodies to start photosynthesis the next time we're exposed to sunlight. Our skin starts releasing oxygen like trees and shrubs, which leaves (get it?) us feeling drained and tired.
And that's all I know.
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