This Is Entirely My Own Issue

I got sidetracked this morning, and it's my fault.

I only have the best of intentions when I "seek" out blogs criticizing my pastor and my church. I started reading these blogs last year out of curioisity, but their criticisms quickly turned into something else.

Now I check in on these blogs anytime I feel the craving for another Please Make It Stop, I Think I'm Choking Now rib-busting laugh.

I found a new blog this morning that takes aim at my pastor by name. The author, who must be much more clever than his writing lets on, even includes a Seeker-Pastor Starter Kit, which amounts to a list of satirical gripes he's harboring about ministries he either finds threatening, or misunderstands completely.

I know better than to engage in foolish debates and quarrels; that's why the list I made is Just For Fun.

Maintenance Kit
for Stagnant Legalistic Traditionalists (rough draft)

Dress in the most fashionable and most expensive suits, with stylized hair and lots of jewelry, to reflect how much God has blessed and rewarded your piety and faithfulness.

Do not hesitate to fight about small stuff; always struggle to make sure every idea is talked to death before it's rejected.

One of the best ways to avoid growth and the unpleasant consequences of adding new members is by creating an unspoken atmosphere of censorship. Strict dress codes help here also.

Ostracize potential new members who don't dress or think like you do, encourage their doubts and help them realize they belong somewhere else.

Accept that factionalism within your congregation is inevitable if you allow your membership to grow without limits.

If one faction within your congregation gets mad and leaves to start its own church, let everyone in your city know the "real reason" has something to do with sins so heinous they can't be described in a Biblical context, even using Old Testament terms and definitions.

Keep your services separate from the world by adhering to secret cliches and idioms peculiar to your denomination. Include only four hundred year old music and archaic inflections of speech in your worship services.

Make no secret of the fact that only your church knows the right way about everything.

Ignore the word Pharisee.

Encourage your congregation to share suspicions, allegations and any private information they may have about someone else within your church, so that the latest rumors can be compared and improved, and then repeated as often as possible to others as the honest truth.

Keep in close contact with the elderly invalids and the hospitalized members from your congregation; they are more likely to make huge financial contributions to your ministry sooner than anyone else.

Maintain devotion and reverence within your congregation by constantly fine-tuning salvation's minimum requirements, and hinting additional legalism might be involved that you're not quite ready to share and reveal.

Form as many church committees as possible, to make sure nothing in your church ever changes or gets accomplished.

Include as many traditional symbols of your devoutness as possible on the exterior of your sanctuary, as a public announcement of your piety. Some suggestions include self-illuminated giant crosses, huge sculptures of doves in flight, and particularly stained glass windows with plaques clearly memorializing the donors' names and the amount of their contribution.

(Although your church's Number One Priority should be the construction of a steeple tall enough to interfere with and pose a navigation hazard to low-flying aircraft, do not overlook the ministry potential of renting portable lighted signs with sermon teasers like How Hot is Hell? Come this Sunday and See For Yourself!)

Require all visitors to stand during the Welcome, so that your congregation can get a good long look at what real sinners look like.

Leave excellence out of your worship service's equation and announce publicly that we're all equal in God's eyes, while privately acknowledging that some of us are more equal than others, in ways known only to ourselves.

Refuse to consider adding anything to the worship service that's never been tried before.

Rely on tradition and ritual to avoid examining Biblical doctrines you don't understand or agree with.

Always remember that the word "Hypocrite" only applies to the other guy.

Stick with organ music during your services. That's what the apostles used, and the only appropriate instrument to use today.

Each sermon must always suggest that salvation is never a "sure thing," and imply that several secret sins exist which are probably unforgiveable.

Organize highly-visible public demonstrations and protests against movie theaters, book stores, and retailers who don't share your specific beliefs.

Pastors should gain as much weight as possible, as physical proof of their blessings and rewards.

Pastors' wives must set set fashion standards within the congregation. Extend this to include home cosmetic parties and Ladies Afternoon Gossip Socials.

Encourage deacons to scowl, grimmace at and ignore visitors. This helps keep "Seekers" out, and guarantees your congregation will remain cowering, wholesome and pure.

Mistrust the methodology of any pastor with a larger or faster-growing congregation than yours. Do not hesitate to ridicule or be publicly condescending to any pastor younger than you.

Your church's Teen and Childrens Ministry should remain your lowest priority, and receive the least possible funding. They're not tithers after all, and are most likely to cause disruption within your congregation as they get older.

Disclaimer: The above opinions are entirely my own, and are presented here solely as parody and satire for entertainment purposes.